Info
I will always love you, Philia.
TRIGGER WARNING FOR IMPLIED ASSAULT AND MURDER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Darkness, a cold and enveloping feeling of nothingness… When I opened my eyes, I couldn't see, I could only feel my body, my existence coming through. And yet… there was something wrong about me.
What was I?
Why was I alive?
No voice guided me. I felt no direction… There was nothing for me, nothing in my soul. I was a god, but a god of what? What was I made to be?
I didn't understand anything at all. Only that I felt so lost in a darkness that drowned me whole like a sense of suffocation. When I reached out with my hands, I felt the ground, and I made my way forward, alone.
Nameless, that's what I was. A god with no identity, "slower' than most. The divine ones were many, War, Chaos, Thought… They stood above and I was crushed underneath the bottom of the barrel. Scum, an ant. I grew used to it, that feeling of powerlessness. My body concealed in robes from head to toe, all to hide my shame.
I wondered if I should have just disappeared and eased the burden on my comrades' shoulders. I considered it and pondered further, there was a point where I even acted upon it. Thought about vanishing in the cosmos…
But then I saw light.
A pink, warm light.
Her.
Agape, she who incarnated Love.
When she first saw me, she gave me a name. Argos, the bright one. I was confused. Why name me? Why acknowledge me? She simply answered.
"Because you are a living being like me. We think, we speak, we feel. Why should I ignore you just because you haven't found yourself yet?"
I didn't understand her words. She was so different from the others, so… out of the box. She thought many things that I couldn't possibly know about. A singular apple paired with oranges. But she was the most shining apple, the only apple in the world, talking to rotten fruit.
I listened to her meticulously, she taught me many things. Life, growth, the beauty of fragile living beings. I learned to embrace such things as part of my bubble of existence. She was my guide.
"Isn't it beautiful? Every flower, every plant and entity… They grow, they expand. They have such wonderful lives! Every single thing is deserving of this appreciation, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Life is wonderful, Argos… You must protect it. Every life form… Can you promise me that?"
I made an oath to her, that every single living being on this world would be under my protection. Even if I was a nameless god to all, to her… I was Argos the bright one, and Argos… mattered in the grand scheme of things. That was enough. That was my purpose, and it made her smile so bright that my chest felt like a heated furnace at the sight. Devotion as electrifying as a thousand thunders…
For a while, there was peace. Just me and her in this bubble of safety we created. I wished foolishly for this to be my eternity, but things could not stay still as such forever. Just like she said, the world changes… time passes. Only we divine ones remain stuck, as if we were not truly part of this dimension, but merely observers. Change came—we were no longer alone.
Human beings, the day they first broke through the barrier separating our world from theirs… The Backrooms changed with their arrival, mutating landscapes and creatures, as if it assimilated what human beings carried with them. She was amazed at the way those creatures changed it all. The others were curious, weary, but not her.
"Have you seen them, Argos? They grow! They start out so small… so precious… The way they feel and think… It's amazing! I wish we could be closer to them… Even just for a while… That we could… coexist, learn what they know. It's my greatest wish… Do you think one day it could ever come true?"
I wish I had told her no. That I didn't believe in said dream as well for even a moment. There is no peace for creatures like us, not in a world that ever changes. Those would just be crushed dreams in a sea of vanished hopes. Her hopes, which I could not fulfill. Because I was too weak.
If it wasn't for my helplessness, my desire to see her happy… Then…
None of it would have happened.
It was just a normal day.
She'd gone off on her own for the first time. To meet the humans, she said. To share flowers and stories. I let her go because she begged me to. The others wouldn't have let her, I was the only one she trusted with it… She smiled at me, reassured me…
"I'll be back soon, my dear."
She did not return. Never.
How did I let this happen? How?
My Agape, my burning light, crumbling to dust in my arms. She did not move, her body broken, a withered flower, thousands of withered flowers that died. The extermination of all innocence came with this singular putrid moment, 5 men plucking her petals until nothing remained. I felt my body being torn apart, the more I felt her slip away in my arms, until she vanished like dust in the morning wind.
That is when I finally understood.
The other gods were left gutted out from the inside, unable to handle the idea that they were mortal, that the light holding us all together was gone, just like that. None of us ever died, we were endless… or so we thought. But they didn't matter—nothing mattered…
I saw for the first time the truth of my existence.
A thousand eyes of mine opened.
I became Justice.
Every living being has sin, every living being is rotten. I was going to purge that sin, cleanse every rotten soul. It was that unforgivable act that allowed me to be reborn, guilt and the tremendous agony of loss.
Did she cry for me when they were tearing her part? Did she feel pain in her last moments?
Her form would not leave the sight of my thousand eyes. Crumpled flesh and mutilated skin. Her smile, an accusatory thing. It was my fault, she knew it was my fault. That is why I still saw her, even if she was gone. Thousands of her infecting my brain until madness was the closest thing to my situation. Despair, ever so clear, it's suffocating me. I could not be cleansed.
The peeling flesh of her body was a noose around my neck.
Forget? Impossible, unforgivable. It was impossible to forget the sight of something engraved in my mind, the sight that was the only thing moving my husk of a body forward. If I forgot, I'd cease to exist. She'd cease to exist… I could not allow it to happen, not when she died because of my weakness. I carried that burden for far longer than any living being could. The memory was poison, I drank it like acid until it corroded my mind.
My goal became my sole purpose. I stood by her resting place every day, tainted blood on my hands, begging for her forgiveness. It never cleansed me, nothing could. It was a hopeless penance, grief that tasted like ash, observing the blooming flower that grew through her essence…
I tore through humanity, my name became something they feared. Revenge led me to drown in my darkness, to the point I committed atrocious sins just to make humanity feel a quarter of my pain. Yet it wasn't enough, it never felt enough. Anytime I felt compassion, her mangled body haunting my mind made me forget it all.
They feared our power, the almighty gods they angered with their sins. They began worshipping us, but that only disgusted me. Mortals only feared what was unkind and stronger than them, putrid vermin… that is what I would think. I became a monster, something she would have truly despised. I deserved no saving, she deserved to rest.
And yet, despite the violation and horrible pain, she returned. Smaller, weaker, her flesh, her memories, but not truly "her". Rebirth, from her own ashes, bathed in light and newfound innocence. I bowed to her, to my Philia, no longer Agape. I had no more tears left to shed, only blind worship for what was left of her. She returned because she had hope, because she could never be a broken, tainted thing like I am. Because despite the horrifying pain, she could only forgive, even by shedding her godly strength. She could only return to save the sinful souls of her loved ones because Agape will always be the wisest out of all of us, a precious soul nobody deserves.
"I will never let them hurt you ever again. If I fail, I will die for my sins. I will bury myself with you once more."
I promised paradise to her with those words. An oath that only served to give me purpose, a selfish thing. She knew what I had done, she knew what humankind was capable of now that she was reduced to a broken, wingless goddess. Yet she forgave them—she still loved them. That was perhaps the most painful thing, knowing the death of humankind caused her suffering. Even after everything, I only caused her pain… I only took out my anger on the wrong thing.
"There are no good or bad people in our reality, just people who commit actions that can be hurtful or not. Argos, I don't want human beings to die for the sins of only 5 men. It's not right, no matter what. There is innocence in humanity, there is beauty and kindness alongside the evil. The pain lingers, but I have forgiven… and I will forgive again. I am no longer Agape, but I continue to exist… And time continues to march forward. There is no purpose in vengeance any longer, my dear. If you must punish humanity—then punish me too, so I may absolve their sins…"
My entire reason for still going even after losing her was fractured by those gentle words. Alien concepts, an understanding of things that we divine beings simply didn't have. I did not understand, and that only caused me more pain. Yet, she held my face, just like she used to. A gentle press of her palms against my skin. My suffering melted, just like the emptiness in my heart. Just for that moment, I felt pure again, like a newly born fawn.
"Argos, let me show you through my eyes. I need you to understand me."
I felt it. The cry of an infant, the embrace of a mother. A family, sharing what meager food they had together. Lovers, holding hands under the pale moon. Human beings taking care of lesser entities. Love, compassion, innocence devoid of sin. Some sins were so pathetic they hardly made any sense to punish. How could I have been so blind? So… full of wrath? Even after those vile men were gone, I continued this massacre… A senseless grief-striken thing… I'd been blinded. But how could I forgive? How? When they took everything from me? My light… my reason for living?
"Promise me… Promise me you will protect both gods and humans from evil. You must, I beg of you… Don't destroy everything because of the rot that surrounds it. Be the hero humanity needs you to be. By the hero I need you to be. Leave the wrath behind and follow what your heart tells you. Your feelings and your mind put together. That is all I ask… The wishes of a weakened goddess, who has no power in the grand scheme of things. Let me keep this one thing…"
I could not refuse her, never. She returned to me, even if no longer truly her. Despite having opened my eyes long ago, I realized only then I began to truly see and pinpoint my weakness. The same mortal feelings I loathed were the cause of so much suffering. Revenge was not Justice. I failed her tenfold, yet she forgave me, always. She came back to guide me again, to save me from myself. It heightened my guilt, but I would pay her back—I would rebuild this world to be just, for her.
I expanded my influence, and soon enough, those who dreamed of a just world joined me. The Eyes of Argos became the fingers to my hand and the marble making up a temple. They desired to fight evil and protect the innocent as much as I did, with the only objective to find peace, her peace…
I am not a nameless god, I am not Justice the tyrant…
I am Argos, the all-seeing eye.
And until this world comes to dust, I will fight… for the wishes of the innocents and hers, so that my sins will be absolved and the past can be laid to rest, forevermore.
