⚠️ Content Warnings ⤴
Info
Content warning:
this article contains tobacco use and minor cannibalism. (it's wholesome, I promise)
Article by PrismaticMoose
Additional characters by DrAkimoto,
Solomon Sam, and
Wondrous Expanse
Critique by matthewschaos,
Wondrous Expanse, and
DrAkimoto
Help with June characterisation by SnomWriting
>logon user agents/months/09
>password: **************
-Welcome, Mr. September.
>module editpages
-editpages requires additional permissions
>edit permissions
-Enter verification code
>**********
-Confirmed.
-Enter user to adjust
>agents/months/09
-Enter permission to add
>permission editpages
-Confirmed, permissions adjusted.
>module editpages
-Enter filepath.
>A-E-A/advice/guides/phenomena/social-economic/
-Enter page to edit, or create new
>create
-Enter file name of new page
>yuletide.odf
-Opening new page...
-New Page opened
Christmas, also known as Yule, Crimbo, Noel, and Xmas, is a hybrid secular/religious winter festival celebrating the birth of the religious figure Jesus of Nazareth. It incorporates many different customs from many traditions, effectively combining most winter celebrations into one contiguous holiday. Due to the major upheavals in routine and major events that happen during this holiday, it presents both opportunities and challenges for espionage.
Gatherings
During the Christmas season, people enjoy coming together for various reasons, from culinary delights to family traditions.
(Add more of this later)
Christmas Tree
A Christmas Tree is a (usually evergreen) tree or artificial substitute that has been decorated with festive decorations such as Christmas baubles, tinsel, or string lights. Due to the variety and number of such decorations, it is easy to bug such trees with listening devices (See file bugs.odf for more information). It is also possible to trap Christmas trees with explosives, though the often central location of these trees may cause unnecessary collateral deaths if not used with caution.
IMPORTANT: Ensure you check a tree is actually a tree and not an instance of Entity 56 before adding any devices.
Christmas Food and Drink
Several types of food and drink are almost exclusive to the Christmas season, such as mince pies, Christmas cake, and Christmas pudding. Several of these special foods can cause difficulties for an agent, but can also be used to their advantage. Mulled Wine (a cooked wine or grape juice with added spices) can be served both hot and cold, so if an agent is planning to poison it, they must bring either poisons that work in both hot and cold drinks, or bring two different types. Brandy is used to set alight a Christmas pudding when it is served, bringing about a good opportunity to replace it with something more flammable for a good accidental explosion.
September's notes (remove when publishing)
-Add section on Christmas Markets
-Do I really need a section on gatherings?
-Possibly add images
-Add more text on how to trap trees
-Talk to January about religious traditions
-Add a bit about rides, maybe?
Must you hide in the dark all the time, September?
Hm? Oh, it's you, April. Aren't you supposed to be seeing to the, uh, meetup?
So are you.
Well, I actually have to keep this place running while everyone else is celebrating.
What, by writing articles on Christmas pretty much at the end of it? Not exactly the most useful thing to do.
That is a good point. I had put it off for a while, thought it might still be useful for a few hours.
Except that we don't have any assignments issued today, special orders from the Benefactor.
I don't recall that.
You were the one who took the call.
Oh.
You are definitely overworking yourself; you don't have to do half of the stuff you do.
Yeah, well, you know how it is, when you have a list of jobs as long as your arm, you start to forget which ones are important.
Just come down and join the rest of us, you'll enjoy it. You've spent too long cooped up in here.
Which ones turned up?
'Bout half of them. February, March, June, and July. The rest couldn't make it for various reasons.
What kinds of reasons?
Well, January is at that evangelical place in New Times Square for their 3-day service rota, he's took watchnight and boxing day, but insists on staying for all of them. Actually that's the only excuse; the rest just didn't give one.
Sucks. Oh well, we'll make do.
You coming down then?
Why not? I haven't got anything better to do.
March, what the fuck is this?
Clootie dumpling. Traditional recipe.
Is it some kind of ornament? Looks like a diseased brain, and I've seen a few.
You're supposed to eat it.
You what?
It's a sort of suet pudding.
Doesn't look like it from where I'm standing.
It's delicious, trust me.
Scottish thing, delicious?
February, I've tried your cooking. At least this actually contains spices.
Fuck you.
I brought a roast.
July, turkey is for Thanksgiving, not Christmas.
So then what are we supposed to eat, chicken?
Codfish.
Huh… is that a Portugal thing? Or is it from your particular area of the US?
Portugal. We like the fish.
Cool, June, I guess. You still want a slice?
Yes, thanks.
…
mhm… This is pretty good. how'd you cook it?
It's deep-fried.
Southern thing, I assume?
Yes ma'am.
I would still prefer codfish to this.
…
*BRIIIIING*
September speaking, who is calling?
How are you enjoying your holiday?
Oh, greetings, Benefactor. I'm enjoying it, can't speak for the others, however.
Do try to stop them from killing each other.
I will endeavor to do so.
I was calling to mention I have decided to extend your… time off.
Really, sir? When to?
You now have "Boxing Day" as a holiday and will officially go back to work on the first hour of the twenty-seventh.
Thank you, sir. I will relay this to the agents presently.
Remember to take a break yourself,;you don't have to work during the holidays. The agency won't collapse without you, I will make sure of that.
…Yes, sir.
*clink*
What was that about?
Ah. April. Were you listening in?
You know it's impossible to overhear the Benefactor, right? Even if I wanted to.
Well, we get more time off. We get tomorrow too.
Lovely. You think we should try and call the others to tell them?
I think the boss will get there first.
I reckon they were called at the same time as us, the Benefactor is like that sometimes.
Do you think there's just multiple people under one name or-?
Multiple people with clairvoyance? Fuck no.
Best not to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Exactly.
Now that I mention it, should we give out the gifts to the Months now?
To Mr. September…
*rustling*
Cigars?
…
Wow. Haven't had a proper cigar in yonks, how did you find these?
There's some experimental tobacco growing initiatives in Level 48. This is one of the new products. I was down there on some business and got chattin', I spotted these and thought they were just finer than frog fur. I assumed if I liked 'em, you would too.
Well, thanks, July, I gotta say. They even come with a case…
*click*
Hm. Smooth smoke. I think-
I would rather need to remind you at this point that tobacco products damage your health, causing cancer and premature death.
Shut up, let me enjoy my cig in peace.
Huh. There's none for me. February, April, June, July… but no March…
Oh, yeah, I left it in the fridge.
…
Here.
Why would you leave a present in-
*aggressive rustling*
-Oh. Blood bags.
I thought it would be a good gift.
Is it healthy human blood?
Why wouldn't it be?
You've experimented on your colleagues before, February.
Yes, of course they are, I got them from one of the hospitals around here that I had lent lab equipment to before.
Good show, I suppose…
*sluuuuuurp*
Hm. B Minus.
…
What? Why are you all staring? Look, you lot have been eating black pudding for the last half hour, stop judging me!!!
This one is for me. Huh, it's not wrapped…
No point wasting paper. Limited resource.
You can't exactly reuse the tag for anything else, unless you know more than one Ms. June.
…
Let's see here… a new dagger?
*swish*
Good balance, comfy handle too.
It occurred to me recently that you've never had a proper blade to practice with. So I had this ordered.
Well, thanks very much, April. Uh, how do I store it?
Huh?
Like, how do I put it safely away without the risk of it perforating a cat?
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-
You don't know.
We don't usually have to deal with pet safety here. I guess just put it in a box or similar?
Wouldn't that dull the blade or something?
I don't know, I usually put them on a rack.
You torture your tools‽‽‽‽
April, this one is for you.
Thanks, March.
Just, be careful opening it.
Some kind of… earrings? I'm really not sure.
Yeah. There's no need to only wear a suit with zero accessories.
I hardly think earrings are the best place to start for that.
You do have pierced ears, though.
I was young once. A long time ago.
Just because you've grown up doesn't give you cause to dress like a fucking accountant.
That is true.
Anyway, these little things were custom issue.
The agency's logo…
What else would I put on them?
Maybe something that doesn't compromise our company.
What, like these branded briefcases you have us lug around haven't done that already?
This is a big package, September.
It's got a lot in it.
*slice*
Wow. A whole new set of operating tools.
Did you just open a present with a scalpel, February?? I've heard of using letter openers, but surely that's excessive?
I could damage the interior! You have to be careful with this stuff!
Do you do everything with medical tools?
You do not wanna see my cutlery drawer.
Very… round isn't it?
Well, it is a hatbox July, do they not have those in the south?
We mostly wear hats on our heads, to tell you the truth.
…
Another Stetson?
It's not felt, though, is it?
No… then what is it?
Bushman's hat. Australian thing. I thought it might be more practical in rainy levels.
Maybe…
…
It does seem to fit pretty well, how'd you get my size, June?
I broke into your house and measured your forehead while you slept.
Very funny.
Nah, I just looked at the tag when you put your hat down once.
Pretty good quality leather, this. Good ventilation, too.
Knew you'd like it.
Now that I think about it…
Everything okay, September?
Just thinking, which time zone do you think the boss meant for our time off?
Not sure. They sometimes seem to set time zones at random.
Best not to test it.
So… Level 1 timezone?
Probably, that would make us go back at about 6 pm tomorrow.
I'm sure it's fine to work slightly earlier than required.
There's still one package left…
That's… when did that turn up?
I don't know, I certainly didn't put it there.
Do you think it might be for one of the other Months?
No, it just says "To the Agency."
Very small, isn't it?
I'm sure I still would have noticed it…
May as well open it.
*riiiip*
Oh, that is good.
From the Benefactor?
Who else would be bold enough to emboss steel for a temporary item?
Yeah, how much did they spend on this??
Best not to question it, just like everything else.
Want me to deal with it or shall you?
I'll get it, just a moment.
Mr. September briskly strolled out of the lounge, leaving the dull tones of kitschy Christmas music behind.
He proceeded out the front door of the Agency's headquarters.
Now, the general theme in the background was caroling.
He slowly hung a sign on top of the one usually nailed to the door, taking care to put it on straight.
He then sauntered back inside to rejoin the party.
The new sign read:
The A.E.A.
Closed for Christmas