Unnumbered Entity - "My Mom"

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Images containing real blood.

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Close

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.
.

to: 張秀英

i've walked around aimlessly, the dimmed streetlights are constantly shining through my messy hair onto my damp face, slick with a mixture of sweat and tears. i've lost myself as time has passed, no doubt. i don't know what to do anymore. i miss the comfort of my bed, and i miss you. i miss you more than anything.

mom i grieved you for a long time. it took me way too fucking long to let go of all the sadness (it held me back, did you know that?) and actually start being the person i wanted to be.
i think this is me finally letting go of you, even if in these final moments all i want is you here with me one last time. thank you for everything you did for me, but i'm tired of living in your shadow. i'm not the girl you raised. is this enough for you to leave me alone?
then please, let me go too.

+ is that you?

This is my mom.

I love my mom lots.
Her ruffled dress is always wrinkled, like the fabric gave up trying to stay neat a long time ago. The diagonal pattern sways around when she walks, left to right, left to right, like how she used to rock me. Sometimes I match my steps to hers without thinking. If I stop, she stops. I went up the steps of the chapel, and my right foot mirrored hers. Then I picked up my left foot and kept walking.

We’re so alike. Her smiles always brighten me up. I don’t remember the last time I felt down. I have my mom now. She says that nothing will ever hurt me again when she’s around, and that she’ll always be here for me. Not like last time. She used to take her calloused hands and hold my hands to my chest; she told me how blessed she was to have a daughter like me. The creases on her palms and the wrinkles on her face told whoever met her eyes that she had been through a lot, more than any mother should have to endure. That’s who my mom was, the kind of mother who would’ve done anything for her precious child.

She told me I looked just like her. She wasn't lying; when we used to travel to 广州¹, all my estranged relatives, the ones who still reached for my cheeks before my name, said I had a striking resemblance to her. As I grew into the person you knew I would be, I took it as one of the biggest compliments I could receive. Even as days passed and time started to change my appearance, in my heart I knew I would never be the kind of person you had to become. Three jobs—that’s how much responsibility you shouldered to feed me, clothe me, and raise me in a foreign land when all odds were against you. I don’t care; I still don't understand why you chose to leave me here, alone.

It was my birthday, remember?
I hugged you tight. I could tell something was wrong.
I savored your embrace; this moment was fleeting.
The floral perfume you wore filled my nose. It reminded me of home.
I don't know what happened. I forced myself not to.
You aren't really here, are you?²

• • _
  對唔住呀，媽咪.I'm sorry.
  

  The door thrashed against its hinges; the sound reverberated across the living room walls. It’d swung open—the glistening of metal was the first thing I saw, and the stranger carrying it. We bolted upstairs. My heart was pounding out of my chest, my breathing sped up; adrenaline crowded my system, I was at a complete loss. As my bare feet touched the cold carpet, you snapped me back to reality: we had to hide. We scurried to the cramped closet behind your bed, but you never went in it. The last thing you told me was to stay quiet, holding your finger to your lips. I didn’t know that that was the last time I’d ever see you.
  The day I lost my mommy was a day I lost a part of myself.

  Who will I tell about my day?
  Who will listen when I talk about my crushes at school?
  Who will blow on my food when I complain it's too hot to eat?
  Who will wait by the door when I come home?
  Who will comfort me when I do badly on a test?
  Who will wait at my bedside for me to fall asleep before they leave the room?
  One day, you stopped coming in at all.
  No more blanket fixing.
  No more forehead kisses.
  No more “sleep well.”

  Now, all that remains of you is my reminiscing.
  I would've done anything to be in your embrace once more, 媽咪.

  Then, go away.

  What?

  I said, go away.
  You're not here.

  I only wanted you to stop hurting.

  You left me a long time ago.

  I never left you.

  You did.
  You aren't her. Stop playing these twisted tricks on me.

  Oh, baby…

  Leave me alone.

  你叫我走，但我嘅心點捨得？我只知道要喺你身邊。

  You know nothing.
  I'm not entertaining this any longer.

  
  

Footnotes

1. Guangzhou, a Cantonese-speaking city in the Guangdong Province of China.

2. I had a feeling. It was silly of me to think I'd ever see you again. I'm sorry.

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‡ Licensing / Citation

Cite this page as:

"Unnumbered Entity - "My Mom"" by vange, from the Backrooms Wiki. Source: https://backrooms-wiki.wikidot.com/my-mom. Licensed under CC-BY-SA-3.0.

• • _
  + Embed citation as HTML- Embed citation as HTML

  "<a href="https://backrooms-wiki.wikidot.com/my-mom">Unnumbered Entity - "My Mom"</a>" by vange, from the <a href="http://backrooms-wiki.wikidot.com/">Backrooms Wiki</a>. Source: <a href="https://backrooms-wiki.wikidot.com/my-mom">https://backrooms-wiki.wikidot.com/my-mom</a>. Licensed under <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/">CC-BY-SA-3.0</a>.

---

Name: Birthday mom
Author: Lance Shields
License: CC by 2.0
Source Link: https://openverse.org/image/83356dfe-744d-41c4-abbd-ce103df77d35?q=mom&p=130
Derivative of:
Additional Notes: im so sorry to this random lady i have an entity to write

Name: blood running down wood
Author: Jo Naylor
License: CC by 2.0
Source Link: https://live.staticflickr.com/2702/4023697593_175c511904_b.jpg
Derivative of:
Additional Notes: mwehehehe

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