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*sigh* I took too long and my desired level number was taken so here we are making a new thread
http://backrooms-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/gen-isis-3
I’m still in need of a couple more critiques, any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
Hey fellas watch me do this awesome backflip
…
I got nervous :(
So firstly, I'd like to state that I'm not an official critter or anything. Now that that's out of the way, the first issue I noticed throughout the article was punctuation. Many of the sentences end with commas when they should end with periods, or vice versa. Other than that, any other changes/recommendations can be seen below.
Level 425 consists of two rooms connected by a narrow tunnel,* both rooms can only fit an average sized human with just centimetres of space.
Despite this, the walls have been confirmed to be a dark grey colour,* the material of these walls is unknown however it has been described to be akin (I recommend replacing akin with similar) to concrete in it’s texture.
Gravity within here works strangely,* if one were to place an object inside here instead of falling directly to the ground it would instead gravitate towards the left wall, from there on it cannot be moved,* gravity anywhere outside of the tunnel is not effected by this anomaly.
The level itself holds a strange law where no wanderer is alone in this level. All lone wanderers entering this level (by themselves) ~ have reported that they are always paired with another wanderer (inside of the level). The tunnel between the two rooms cannot fit any human (I thought it was just barely large enough to fit a person in it, did you mean the tunnel?) but (and) it serves as the only way to communicate within the level. Gravity within here works strangely,* if one were to place an object inside (of) here(,) instead of falling directly to the ground it would instead gravitate towards the left wall, from there on it cannot be moved,* gravity anywhere outside of the tunnel is not e (a)ffected by this anomaly.
"… oh it’s rolling (I would separate the thoughts from the dialogue. A good way to go about would be by putting them on different lines and removing the quotations.) I’m in a tiny box, I can't see shit in here. There’s barely any room to br—"
"Uh… Jesus Christ why is he screaming so damn loud I don’t know I’m in some box" (same as previous)
It should be noted that the sole reason this section is here besides obvious reasons serves (is to serve)~ as a warning for the unknown nature of the level.
After an alarmingly brief spike in reports the M.E.G decided a group should be formed (regarding level 425)~. Surprisingly, ~ shortly after the necessary precautions and procedures of the group forming (comma) word got around there had been a report of a noclip to the level in a larger part of level 3. Once the group arrived at the scene(,) a lone wanderer (was found) seemed to be highly (in a state of) distress ed.
Of course, immediate action had to be taken. The group mainly focused on some of the most common areas people were reporting to have noclipped at. Around the 4th expedition the group ventured out beyond their usual catchment area (,) -which where they finally saw results (Not sure if I'm reading this area right). After about an hour of them leaving base Gamma (,) two of the members noclipped back to the original starting point, reporting the other two entered the level in a rather exasperated tone.1 The group had always equipped themselves with radios in case of emergency however they would only be met with static trying to contact the other half (during communication attempts)~.2 No obvious further action could be taken so the best anyone could do was wait.3
Eventually– after 2 hours of waiting –the rest of the group thought an attempt to reach out to the two was a good precaution to take. Instead of static this time they were met with something different, a soft, indecipherable whisper. This went on for a couple minutes before one of the missing members reappeared around the same place the rest of the group noclipped to. They returned to base fairly unscathed and mentally intact however the interview was where signs started to show. ( I think this paragraph, as well as the previous, would do better as a transcript, or log.)
[[collapsible show="Show M.E.G Interview_Log964332 critique" hide="Hide M.E.G Interview_Log964332 critique"]]
M.E.G member Angela: Now, Troy. It’s not common we make arrangements for an interview in our internal system but you’re a valuable asset in this group’s works (to this group). Could you detail what happened to you and your team member(s)?
M.E.G member Troy: A(')ight, so we arrived in level 202. Wayy (could add more y's to the end of wayy, it looks like a typo to me here) outside where we’d usually go. Some of us had never been there before so we was scared. We was just ‘splorin aimlessly then the ground disappears beneath me and my fellow member Lily. Now we’re cramped up in a couple boxes with no way out.
M.E.G member Angela: Could you tell me how Lily reacted to all this? Anything strange, unusual(, recommended) or out of character for her?
M.E.G member Troy: Not that I’d know of,* I only knew her for a couple months before this. Although she seemed awfully smarter than before.
M.E.G member Angela: Could you detail what you mean by that?
M.E.G member Troy: (Capitalization) she was making all these connections & conclusions, revelations I ain’t even thinking of. She assumed a bunch of things too, like how I should close my eyes.” (Quotations should be kept consistent throughout the log) (Also needs to be a quotation sign before they start speaking)
M.E.G member Angela: A lot of people reported to have seen things when they closed their eyes, did this happen to you?”
M.E.G member Troy: Sure did, it was a flower field. Very pretty one too.”
M.E.G member Angela: What did you do with this newfound information on the level? Did you try (to) contact the others? (Quotations)
M.E.G member Troy: it were (was [unless he is mean't to speak like this]) scary, but I did. The walkie-talkie was broke, static was all I heard.
M.E.G member Angela: Interesting. (capitalization) there had been reports from this level before with people running, walking, jumping;* (replace semicolon with comma) did you try to do any of these in the level? Perhaps with your eyes closed?
M.E.G member Troy: Oh it was strange, I tried walking and it worked! Lily did the same.
M.E.G member Angela: How long were you walking for before you noclipped? And what did Lily do before she disappeared?
M.E.G member Troy: If I could tell ya(, I would)~ , lost track after a half hour. I lost track of Lily too. Called out for her and got no dice.
M.E.G member Angela: Alright, well judging by the time we were waiting for you, it was about two hours you were travelling for. Now Lily didn’t come back with you, do you have any leads onto why she’s missing?
M.E.G member Troy: Missing? There must be a mix-up, That big creepy dude said Lily was back here.
M.E.G member Angela: A ‘big creepy dude’? Why haven’t you mentioned this before?
M.E.G member Troy: Hah, you’re a funny one for an interview. I told you he spoke to me after I started wanderin’. How long you been working as one of your kind?
M.E.G member Angela: …Y-you didn’t tell me about that?
M.E.G member Troy: Damn, you seem pretty sure about that. This place('s) on some strange stuff.
M.E,G member Angela: so you think it’s weird that you’re telling me something you originally didn’t? Or that I’m misremembering something?
M.E.G member Troy: It’s that you’re tellin’ me you don’t remember. Eh, guess it’s worth giving you a description: he had a green coat, green hat, green everything pretty much.
M.E.G member Angela: Ok, so you’re telling me once you entered this level this man spoke to you. What did he say?
M.E.G member Troy: It was some scary stuff, told me he picked me to be here and how he’s been watching me and… a-and how he…
M.E.G member Angela: Are you okay? It’s ok(ay) if you need a minute if it’s particularly distressing to recall
M.E.G member Troy: Shit. What were we talking about?
M.E.G member Angela: …The level your group explored, there was this man that talked to you after you started walking—-
M.E.G member Troy: Ah the box… e-eh, the box, the box, the box
M.E.G member Angela: Is everything ok? Again, you can step out if you find—-
M.E.G member Troy: shit, shit, shit damn it! Why am I here?!
(*)*M.E.G member Angela:** H-have you forgotten??
M.E.G member Troy: Well whatever reason I’m here for I think so.
M.E.G member Angela: Do you want me to stop this interview? This is in your control and we don’t have to continue if you don’t want.
M.E.G member Troy: No, No! I can remember… j-just need to… a hat, a hat shit the hat! The trench coat! Shit I shouldn’t have told you that! H-he did something to Lily
M.E.G member Angela: Troy—- sir, just calm down! you can leave if you need a minute, it sounds like your intel on Lily will be useful—-
M.E.G member Troy: No you don’t get it, that level… it’s something else, something only the devil knows! I can’t just leave!
M.E.G member Angela: Sir, please just take a minute outside! We can start over I just need you to be calm!
M.E.G member Troy: S-shit… I-I can’t just… o-ok, I can just, breathe outside.
M.E.G member Angela: alright, just step outside and feel free to come back in whenever you want.
M.E.G member Troy: I-I think I just need to step off, like a lot… can we end this? I-I don’t want him to know.
M.E.G member Angela: I—- that’s—- understandable. I can ask someone else.
M.E.G member Troy: No! J-just forget about it, o-ok.
M.E.G member Angela: …I can’t—- I can try.”
M.E.G member Troy: Thanks… I’ll try find the others…
(Just remember to keep quotations consistent. You don't necessarily need them here, but if you are to use them, they should be used throughout the entire transcript.)
M.E.G member Angela reported back to the rest of the base as company protocol, informing them on all she could (and informed them of their conversation). Troy rejoiced with his group members and they continued their duties (resumed duties), seemingly forgetting what happened. All was well (no other incidents occurred) until their next expedition a month later. Angela was reported to have gone missing in a transfer over to a smaller base within level 3 and group Claustromania were (was) reported to be (have been) last seen around level 59 before reportedly never returning to base (going missing). As of now both parties have disappeared without a trace and a lot of people’s memories (regarding) of level 425 have been affected to some extent. The M.E.G have been weary towards any attempts to attempt and explore this level directly. Instead, they’ve placed (the following) signage in certain levels with a high chance of transporting wanderers to level 425:
THIS LEVEL HAS A HIGH RISK OF NOCLIPPING TO LEVEL 425
PROCEED WITH CAUTION
REMEMBER THAT YOUR MIND ISN’T ALWAYS YOUR FRIEND , REMEMBER THAT
Any tight spaced levels (with tight spaces) have a small chance of bringing you here if you attempt to noclip, examples include level 12, level 19 or level 669
Despite no exact exits being known almost all wanderers who entered this level (seemingly)~ noclipped at seemingly ~ random times, some after a good few ~ (several)~ hours and some after only a few ~ minutes.
[[collapsible show="Show 'Hope we haven't forgotten now, have we?' critique" hide="Hide 'Hope we haven't forgotten now, have we?' critique"]]
00:02:54
VIDEO RESUMED
“Wait… what? ? holy hell it’s working again! E-eh, I’ve been wandering for a while, I don’t know what’s happening,* I’m so confused… I-I lost whoever the other guy was.”
“Well howdy there.”
“Where the hell? hello? Where are you—- oh you’re right behind me.”
“You’ve been wandering for a while I see, why don’t you rest here.”
”I-I don’t know…”
“It’s ok, I’m not like those other things.* Assuming that’s your worry.”
”Are you an entity…”
“If you want to say that then sure, although I’m more of a familiar face.”
**”W-why do you sound like… the guy f-from earlier…?” **
“Trick of the mind perhaps. Say, you have quite the good camera there. Mind if I take a look?”
”I-I, uh, I think I’ll keep it for myself, thanks.”
“Oh ok(ay), I see how it is. You silly people can’t trust anything, your thrust into a new environment and can’t just embrace it. It’s better just to let go and accept it. Now give me the camera.”
”I have a good reason not to trust you. I’m not giving you this camera.”
“Humans, always making things so difficult.”
”Get away from me.”
“Just give. me. The camera.”
**”No! I—- I *Coughs* what the hell… N-n—- *cough”
“Oh dear, seems you’ve come down with something.”
”…*coughs excessively*”
“At a loss for words? Your voice gone? Well I think I’ll be taking this then. It’s rude to record without someone’s consent.”
”…n-no…why?“
“I’m terribly sorry, but you were quite rude when I offered you a resting spot. Have to say you were quite rude (repetitive) in those box rooms earlier.”
”w-what the hell *cough* is w-wrong with you..“
“Nothing. What’s wrong with you? I think I best be on my way. But first, may want to turn this off;* won’t be pretty seeing what will be left of you after this now would it? Now let’s see here…, (no need for comma here) ah! Would you like to say farewell (goobye)~?”
I've put an asterisk next to the commas that should probably be periods, and any other comments or edits in parenthesis. Any edits with the tilde (~) are recommended, and don't necessarily need any changes.
Finally, this is my first time doing a big critique like this, so I likely missed some SPaG stuff. I could do some concept critique if you'd like too though.
Also, if someone else comes after me and critiques this, their suggestions come before mine as once again, I'm not very experienced with crits. Good luck, and have a nice day :)
I'm upset it wouldn't let me use the Þ in my name
Oh wow ok you really went all out with the SPaG. Thanks for the heads up anyways!
Hey fellas watch me do this awesome backflip
…
I got nervous :(
Of course, sorry if it's a lot. I really like your level and I'd love to see it on the level list some day, unfortunately this site is quite strict about SPaG, and some people will downvote your article if they find it to be even slightly clunky. Let me know if you need any help with editing as I'd be glad to :)
I'm upset it wouldn't let me use the Þ in my name
So firstly, I'd like to state that I'm not an official critter or anything.
I know this is in no way related but I’m sorry you’re not a bug 😔
Hey fellas watch me do this awesome backflip
…
I got nervous :(
I actually am a bug, a Giant Malaysian Katydid.
I'm upset it wouldn't let me use the Þ in my name
I will get around to this, promise.
