+1 snipe
peak as per usual mr schulze
Pray Carrion Equus / Discussion
Forum
» Meta / Per page discussions
» Pray Carrion Equus
This is the discussion related to the wiki page Pray Carrion Equus.
i LOVE vomiting so this was a definite yes for me #slay
You promised you'd take me there again some day… but you never did.
sometimes I read something so utterly complex that it leaves me questioning reality and wondering if I even am capable of understanding all it has to offer and it makes me self-conscious about my intelligence
this did that for me
upvote
Pages like Carrion Equus are what enable this community to evolve in its writing.
Thank you for pushing boundaries and showing the way by challenging yourself and the readers, gang.
unnerving, to depraved, to numb acceptance. i was uncomfortable but enraptured, loss of innocence stories always get to me, but this was a whole nother level
mind blowing page, im glad to have (barely😭) been a part of the process. Carry on, equus! (sorry couldnt help myself)
Another good despair2025 page (too bad there's three other pages tanking your score). Also, if anyone's wondering I am NOT Team Despair, I'm just commenting here
i'm not even participating in the duelcon lol
I'll probably return to this piece and give it more thought later, but as it is, I don't see much of a deep message here; the essential theme of patriarchal, religious violence being passed down through generations (in this case, in Abraham using Isaac to make himself feel powerful1 and to heighten and cloak his own level of violence) is clear, in my eyes at least2. However, I personally felt like this theme went unexplored within the confines of the piece, and the execution of the antiquated English dialect here did not assist in the matter. That is my biggest problem, and it's why I can't upvote this piece in good faith: In tackling topics like paedophilia and violence and childhood, I want this piece to be crisp and sharp. Ultimately, I just don't think that this was: not in the sense that it should be written to be clear, but that it has a definite sense of purpose.
I'll give an example of what I mean:
He speaks no more despite Isaac's intravenous paroxysms of rancor and condemnation towards the tied stranger's blasphemy
I think that this jumps into the tone that this piece needs far too strongly, and that the surrounding simple sentences around it are on the other side of the spectrum — i e. they should be expanded. Why is the spasm intravenous? How would the stranger know that? It makes me feel like the word intravenous is used here to give a sense of awe rather than to advance the vibe of this piece.
Because this piece has a really cool fucking vibe! It's quite visually appealing, it uses a sort of language that I do not see on any Internet fiction site, and it's experimental in a sound concrete way, rather than a harsh noise way. This is why I novote: I think this piece is there, and it has clearly struck for a lot of people, but I didn't personally enjoy the direction this draft took, and I think there's room to improve on the verbosity.
Footnotes
1. SIDENOTE: So, is Abraham introducing paedophilia into the world in the GODHAND canon? The language here is intentionally obscure, yes, but I think it should be more specific in order to give a better picture of what this world really is like in the limited wordcount of this piece.
2. I'm going to look like an idiot if I misinterpreted this shit at 11:30PM)
I understand your concerns. The deep message boiled down is that scenarios like this exist in our own world, only that I exaggerated it in the case of Isaac because that is the main point of my "despair." The "despair" that I wanted to convey is the religious, familial sexual abuse that is present within humanity. I present it in this exaggerated manner because I want the reader to believe in the fact that the world itself is wrong. Humanity is wrong. I believe I presented this in the last paragraph. I did not want to write this with just "lore" in mind, and I think you missed this message I wanted to deliver.
In his strange contemplation, he wonders how many—if any at all, he thinks—would experience something as foul and vile as this truth he has unraveled. He wonders how God can be both innocent and perverted, and how he has fallen into, to seemingly no one's upset or intervention, His filthy nature. The world itself is merely this way, he thinks. This is the world he was born unto. It is the world many humans are born unto. To be used for the benefit of others, or worse, to be used for the pleasure of their fathers.
Forgive me, world, I ask.
Isaac asking for forgiveness despite being the one inflicted with the most horrible treatment a child could ever experience, which happens all over the world as much as people like to ignore it, is my message.
the essential theme of patriarchal, religious violence being passed down through generations (in this case, in Abraham using Isaac to make himself feel powerful[1] and to heighten and cloak his own level of violence) is clear, in my eyes at least
I do think you clarifying that this is based on the relationships rather than the raw mechanics of abuse helps me appreciate this piece a bit more, but I do still feel like it could be further improved by rewriting sections so it doesn't feel like they're only a facsimile of older English.
Still, I probably will recommend this to people in order to broaden their vision of Backrooms literature. While I feel like the work could be polished with its language, that does not mean that what's presented here is bad. I had some initial qualms about tackling pedophilia specifically, but I think it serves the message upon further reinspection. Post contest, assuming some granular edits are made, I would be happy to give this an upvote.
I would appreciate it greatly if you were to specifically point out the paragraphs you have problems with. Then, I will edit as needed!
/forum/t-17171110/pray-carrion-equus#post-