Valentin, Yellow, and Indus canon. 3 underused Backrooms things in one page. Banging page Pogs.
I really want to like this. And conceptually, I do like the context! Development of the Everything Machine plotline after four years of nothing is great to see However, the story fails to convey both plot progression and character showcase.
Both VV and Yellow feel… Very bland, very surface-level. Both act the same way, and sound like characters that are here to advance the plot.
"But where is the part where we become 'one of the most formidable powers in all of the Backrooms, with access to all knowledge possible'? Both of these groups are certainly powerful, but we are already more powerful than them combined!"
This sentence for example, feels more like you wanted to answer this specific question as a writer, than a character asking a genuine question they would have. You wanted to explain why these groups could be a threat, and so you had VV ask why they could be a threat. Would someone really speak like this during a meeting? Let alone VV, a rather (to my knowledge) secretive and careful character?
Same with Yellow here
"Well, if I did do that, and news of it broke out, which it always does, it would set a precedent that us Robotics are treacherous, lying, murderous, scoundrels. This would not only sour the opinions of our consumers, it will also most likely result in the severing of all ties with us from other groups as well the total destruction of our legacy, which I don't want to happen."
He talks for four lines about how they wouldn't do that and why. Again, they feel like you wanted them to say that instead of a natural response. Again, would someone really talk that much when defending himself in such a meeting?
Same with "Fine, you make a good point. But just note that if this really is a trap, I have commanded the Repository to immediately go to war with Backrooms Robotics if neither I nor my guards have been seen for over 48 hours.". Would a leader give this fact so factually, let alone say "good point"?
As I write down these explanations, I realize that it's hard to exactly pinpoint why they feel out of character because both of them really feel like plot devices. The two characters could be interchanged and the dialogue wouldn't change. They have no showcased personality. I have no idea who Yellow is as a character, let alone VV, the important POI of the contest. They just talk to move the plot forward, they don't show themselves as characters.
Other lines simply feel useless, even to develop the plot. "Yes. Back then, when we first moved our headquarters, frequent travel between here and there still had to be made. This was far too inefficient, so we captured an elevator and modified it to travel between these two levels." has no reason to be here outside of being a loredump. Yet, this loredump doesn't do anything here. It's just a fact thrown for the sake of it.
The plot is also very bland in itself. The exposition is useless, having the two only walk around, justifying how they arrived in the meeting room without adding anything else. Normally you would make the context flow here, or present the characters, but both are overlooked here. The plot is clinically given, and all "In front of the skyscraper stood Viktor Valentin, Master Administrator of the Eternal Repository, along with his guards. It was unusual to see Valentin travelling with his guards, but this time he decided it was important due to an invitation sent by the Backrooms Robotics earlier that day." does it to give a reason to send the clinical mail blurb that wouldn't even be needed if you managed to intertwine the action with the presentation of the thoughts.
The discussion leading the the Machine isn't surprising, and while it's not an issue by itself, it also means the entire meeting falls flat as a plot development, as the meeting basically just went like "two guys met, the first showed a machine and they quickly agreed on working together". The stakes are partially given, but that's basically it. The outcome was predictible, and I wouldn't lose any information if I just read a summary. Nothing happens outside of the specific plot line.
And as said above, when they do talk, they talk about unnecessary things that just leave the plot instead of developping it. They aren't details, but rather misleading appendages, like when they talk about wires or elevators.
Narration needs a developped plot and characters to sustain it. With bland vanilla characters and a script followed to the letter without the feeling of something realistic, it's hard for me to care about what happens, because nothing really happens. If you one day rewrite it, really try to develop the meeting according to how each of the two would act as characters. Set up the expectations of each, and use it as a base to how they will react to the information, and how they will bring additional information as well.
After seeing your review, I doubt this will survive deletion threshold ;-;
But thank you nonetheless! I will definitely keep this in mind if I rewrite this.