+1
So much better from when I last read it! Great for a first page. I have a few wording nitpicks but nothing that deterred me from my enjoyment of this. Short but sweet, great job!
Level 407 - "Lost Souls Live in Dead Meadows" / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page Level 407 - "Lost Souls Live in Dead Meadows".
I'm just going to be up front here, and not beat around the bush with an intro.
The reason I downvoted this article is because of the prose— it doesn't flow. To give you an example of what I'm talking about, I'll write a few sentences in the style I mean.
The page feels robotic. This is because it is composed of single sentences. It feels more like a collection of facts. Thoughts are not broken with commas. Doing this would help the page significantly. I hope that this example was helpful. Sentences feel independent. There is no transition or connection between them.
I gave the page a chance however— thinking that perhaps this was some sort of commentary or deeper meaning with the level itself— perhaps something about deconstructing the psyche, or some other deep meta shit. I quickly realized this wasn't the case upon reaching the note at the end.
This brings me to my second reason for downvoting: the level just feels incomplete.
The overall content of the level description is incredibly brief. There are some cool concepts dropped here and there, as well as some good lines, but none of them are built up enough to actually land. The note we are given at the end to tie things all together feels like an afterthought— something dropped into the ending of the page in order to fill space. In a page like this, especially with things like a level, some sort of establishment of character is required in order to make someone actually care about the person experiencing the trauma.
Now, there are a few occasions where this isn't the case— I'll list a few, as I think they could be utilized well here.
-Exploring something from a second person perspective. (Relation becomes meaningless as everyone will have their own subjective experience— trying to develop the character of "yourself" is pointless, because by doing so all you do is alienate your readers more. It is an avenue of exploring the setting— the relation isn't the point, the imagery is. I think this could work extremely well here. Not every single thing needs character development to be considered good, as characters aren't always the focus of the story you wish to tell.)
-Writing with an already established character. (If your character has already been developed, you don't necessarily need to spend every sentence of your story continuing it. There are periods of downtime, just as there are in life. If people are already familiar with the character due to past writings, you don't need to build a relationship because it will ideally already exist.)
When you simply drop a "there is a guy," and only give us less than half a page of content, it just feels stale, similar to the "haha guys look an interview log" trope this site has.
Want my suggestion? First, try experimenting with other ways you could both present and lengthen this "note" at the end. Find a way to make people remember this character, a way to make people go "wow, that guy went through it, didn't he?" even long after they've read the page. If the main idea of your page is forgettable, why would people in-universe bother remembering it either? If you go for the second person route, cut the note entirely. Focus on crafting an experience for the reader, as if they're walking through the level and experiencing the horrors.
Keep writing
I want to see this again
(edit: [I have tried to post this edit FIVE FUCKING TIMES and my internet keeps chain crashing I SWEAR TO GOD IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN bro] cleaning up a few things)
When you write a page about something like this, the complete obliteration of what makes someone human, you have to actually *show* this transition for it to land.
Zombies aren't scary because they look gross and try to eat you. Zombies are scary because you have to watch your family and loved ones slowly succumb to the disease and eventually join the horde, and knowing that one day you will join them as well.
Not only is there nothing provided to make us care about the guy, but we don't even see this descent. The page effectively starts at the climax and goes off the high dive. We never see a loss of humanity, we never see a destruction of the mind, we see the end product, and nothing to make us care.
There are plenty of levels that just straight up kill you. Those levels are usually boring, because it's just "oh ok you just die wow"
This page basically tells you the same thing. It doesn't do anything out of the ordinary for a Backrooms level, and it doesn't do anything within its own storytelling that provides a reader with anything thought-provoking. It is simply a miserable place that exists.
And a miserable place that exists can be a very good way to show these deep emotional things— but not in the Backrooms, where every other level is a miserable place equivalent to 407. Utilizing a trope or common theme is never a bad idea, but when you never go beyond the description of that trope within a setting where it is incredibly common, it just falls flat.
Here's an analogy to sort of explain what I mean by that— I'm well known as "THE GUY THAT HATES LEVELS" so this may clear things up a bit.
Imagine the Marvel cinematic universe. Imagine they want to debut a superhero. Ok cool, what does he do?
All he does is fly. That's it. Nothing else, he just flies.
Ok, well everyone and their mother can already do that and more. Why would anyone want to see a movie about "fly-guy?"
Well, you could argue because fly-guy is an interesting character. Take fucking Kite man from DC. I can't believe I'm fucking talking about Kite man as an example of good character development god damn it.
Kite man is stupid and boring. Plain and simple. He's a dude with a kite.
But he has an incredibly deep and emotional story that you can connect to, as silly as it is.
In this page, the survivor we hear from lacks that connection. It's like I said above— we don't care about him. He's just some random guy that dies or goes mad— and those are a dime a dozen as well.
I hope this edit provided some additional context
Noted (jaja), will apply this to future pages and future characters. Might just write a page called "Notes" or something to that effect to practise.
It did a good job as an essay.It brings me a great melancholy.
I wanna give an upvote.
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Is the theme and CSS being barren an intentional design choice? While I would criticize it for not using newer CSS, the barrenness of it kind of fits the level and brings it all together, even if it ain't for me.
Regardless, here's a safety +1.
I used that CSS partially because I'm new to TS and this is a first page, but also because it fits setting-wise.
This is the shit. I like the clinical tone in particular, so dead, so monotone, so perfect for a dead monotone world. The monologue could use some work but I like it nonetheless, reminds me of my old writings.
The page isn't bad per se, but it feels so… generic. It feels like you took a 2020 concept (a bland and underdeveloped place) and made it more narration-focused. However, it still feels very dull.
I can't be brought to care about both the place and the character just because I've seen the same setting over and over again, and even good writing can't save such an underexplored base concept.
Hesitated between a novote and a downvote, but ultimately settled on a downvote because the base of the page is deeply generic to a point where even the writing doesn't make it compelling. It's a "Place that is weird" with a generic depressed wanderer, but it doesn't go further than that.
Noted, will do better on the next one.
Hm, it tries to create a feeling of isolation but ends up being repetitive and dull. The grey landscape and endless wind are bleak, but there’s nothing else to keep it interesting. The survivor’s story adds emotion but drags on too much, repeating the same hopeless thoughts. The mysterious "black disc" in the sky doesn’t seem to have any purpose, and the whole level feels empty and unfinished. Just like what Praetor3005 said above. I'm very sorry, but I have to downvote.
igorty
critted this; tight prose + meticulously-constructed vibes. the ending monologue could be better, but overall, it works for a mainlist article.
+1
/forum/t-17013596/level-407-lost-souls-live-in-dead-meadows#post-