+1 Glad to see this posted
Hmmm yes, I wonder who critiqued this. But fr, awesome work, I really adored the concept when critting!
Level 603 - "Anglerfish" / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page Level 603 - "Anglerfish".
The good:
- I enjoyed the sense of progression present within the level a lot, and I think having it all lead to that factory was a really good touch.
- The factory itself was a super interesting structure, and I love how it's portrayed. There is just enough that I'm left wanting more, but just out of curiosity towards how it's actually an hostile construct.
- The page had a really realistic depiction of its locations, but still kept an atmosphere that felt inhuman. I absolutely love how it was never said that there were no entities on the level because even though you never made this clear through direct mention; it's so obvious just by how you describe things.
The bad:
- This page suffers a lot from inconsistency in imagery. This is most easily seen through the pictures you decided to use on the page; you made sure to put a lot of emphasis on the pylons of the level, but… I'm not sure what they look like. The first image that shows them uses wooden ones, and the next one shows differently shaped wooden ones, and then the next two show intricate metal designs of pylons, and then you go back to wooden ones in the picture depicting the desert, but then you also have metal ones in that same area. This is just to simplify my point, as each of the images looks like they belong to a completely different atmosphere from the ones accompanying them.
- The text boxes accompanying the level are really redundant. I don't have a lot to say on this point. You have the regular text of the page and then the weird text boxes that seem to just be covering the same topics with a somewhat different tone of writing. I understand that you're trying to communicate to the reader that the place the pylons lead is not safe, but that's said way too obviously within these sections. All these parts do is slow down the work in my eyes.
- The section of the description about the houses hurts the page a lot. The imagery of the pylons being portions of the factory outstretched is amazing; it's as if some titan has died laying down on some continent, and its outward limbs lead to its center, where its true nature can be seen. That being said, I didn't realize that the pylons were leading to the factory until the impact of it was way too late. "It feels like a setup, a trap." I'm right where you want me as a reader; I don't know what's about to happen, but I can foresee something terrible lying at the heart of the level, and I know the entire page will be a march towards whatever horror that is. But, then, you go off about the towns, and I'm left kind of confused. These don't tie into the rest of the level besides just being by the pylons, and they add absolutely nothing. This threw me off the breadcrumb trail you were leaving for me, and it made the factory section a lot less impactful. You should leave small connections to the factory in this section if you want to keep it, as well as when you describe the desert. Just something small, like a few out-of-place mechanically moving objects echoing inhuman but consistent sounds throughout the empty town.
- The portrayal of the factory could be better. Wait, didn't I say I loved how it was on your page just a bit ago? I did, but I still think it could be better. By the end of the work, I was left wondering, "How and why is the factory doing this?" and although that's a great question for me to have, it didn't feel like something you intentionally left for me. It seems like I was over-examining a cardboard door; it seemed like a thing without an intended explanation. To help not make the reader feel this, I wouldn't add more information about the factory, but I would instead obscure more. The images of the factory show the outside and nothing of its inside, and this is amazing. I don't think you should discuss what the inside of the building is like at all; it would be so much more horrifying if the only things I knew about the insides were the long, mechanical groans that came out of it and the fate of those who entered it.
- The grammar of this page could use some work. It's nothing too overt, but there were enough errors to trip me up as a reader. I'd just run this through a grammar checker and you would be fine.
The black owl spreads its wings once more.
Been stalking this level for a while, and I love it. If I look past my gratitude after ripping off your CSS code in my own levels, I really like the concept and writing. It does a great job of setting the scene and making the atmosphere very liminal and backroomsy which more levels need to do! Great job
- Univ
I genuinely enjoyed reading through this. The buildup in this page, starting with a basic looking level and ending in a trap that kills you, i just loved it. But one thing that almost led to a no-vote was how poorly the factory got portrayed. Like why does it kill people who enter it? Is it it's own living being? Other than that, great page.
interesting concept spoiled by an unsatisfactory ending.
-1
/forum/t-16756206/level-603-anglerfish#post-