+1
i see all my crit has been implemented :>
love the narrative
Desolation Level 9 / Discussion
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This went through, uh, changes while it was indev.
Special thanks to Lute (the comment above me, fuck you for sniping the author post >:() who helped me develop the idea from something boring to something with a purpose. Hopefully.
And to Liminal Doctor (not the comment above me, thanks man) for doing a full SPaG crit right at the end.
Pika was emotional support
Junksnipp? Who’s junkshipp?
Good luck to all canonicon teams in the voting period!
desolation :3
absolutely love this narrative uwu
CharaDotArchivist
The demon that comes when you call her name.
I felt… almost compelled to upvote this one, mainly because it seems mostly "true to itself", in a way. What confused me a bit is how the page momentarily transitions to a bit of narrative before suddenly forgetting about it. To be blunt, it feels quite unnecessary and cliché to have, and it is pretty common that this kind of paragraphs feel like filler to me; this is no exception. This is not the first time narration feels tacked on to me in (at least a couple; got to read more) Desolation pages because it is never (a) given a clear direction/purpose, and (b) it seems like a way to evade the fact that the rest of the article would otherwise feel unengaging, at least to some extent. Pages of this kind seem to purport to leave me with a minuscule sense of eeriesness and to deliver their (quite subtle) impact, but I struggle to feel this; is this even intended? I cannot tell.
While I could not find any glaring issues regarding grammar, the tone should be a little more consistent. To be more precise, towards the beginning, the article made use of the second person which I personally feel is unwarranted. This… actually did not slow down the read a bunch, but it certainly felt out of place, considering how sporadically and suddenly this way of describing was used. This mostly does not apply to the Survival Guide section as it feels pertinent to the context.
I would argue that the page is not completely unengaging, but I think more emphasis should be put on the "Desolation" aspect in a way that does not feel overly monotonous.1
So, like, congrats, you glued me in equilibrium. To think about it, I do not find these issues able to be frowned upon.
Footnotes
1. This is only a problem related to the progression of the page.
Please mind the Forest.
My reasons for novoting are overall the same, so I won't make a full post explaining my views
The houses are eerie and interesting, while the rest of the level feels quite boring, however. The narration feels weirdly added and while it could be interesting, lacks devlopment and feels here just to be here.
I'm overall not a fan of desolation rewrites because they feel quite redondant, and this one is no different. The eerie weird TV vibe, and its small narrative piece, is the only thing that stands out, yet while supposedly being the core gimmick, doesn’t work with the rest of the level information (the outside mainly), which makes the narrative not very compelling, even tho it could (and probably should) be. Shifting the overall page to that direction and developping the narrative would have been beneficial.
I put it there because I felt like the main message wasn't correctly conveyed and that the reader won't quite understand what is going on (not enough allusions were made to it imo)
I underestimated you all, it seems. I apologize.
Yes I am calling myself out. Maybe I should change it.
Also, what 2nd person tone at the beginning? I don't see what you mean
/forum/t-16753509/desolation-level-9#post-