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My second contest entry!
Please let me know if you find something wrong.
Thank you ReyDay,
LiminalDoctor, and
Liurnia!
They gave me a considerable amount of crit!!!
Level 705 - "A Tale Of Two Islands" / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page Level 705 - "A Tale Of Two Islands".
There are lots of repetitions and poor sentences that don't really flow well, with information that feels very random and misplaced, for example "The Underdeveloped Zone is also an island, which doesn't seem much different from the Developed Zone in appearance, but the size of the Underdeveloped Zone has yet to be defined.". This really prevented me to fully enjoy the level, as I didn't feel compelled by the writing.
There is also a severe lack of worldbuilding. I am left wondering gow the BR discovered the level or why are they using it. This seems important, as it defines their influence here, yet you don't mention it at all. You also talk about bases, but don't even say what kind of community exist there
Finally, the sections of each zone dont really feel like they are linked with each other. Why is there two different desolate sections? That may make sense for part 1 and 2, because BR probably is creating something, but since you don't explain what BR is doing they just feel random. The two island also feels the same in their pristine, non touched by BR state. Sure, it's night in the underdevelopped one, but they read like they are like the section 3 and 4 of the developped island. They are just as dangerous, yet BR seems terrified of the other island, not using for… Whatever they are doing.
While the structure of the level (the two island and the bridge) is quite original, you don't develop the influence of the very group that is influencing it so much, which is a wasted opportunity unfortunately. The page would have beneficiated from more concept and sentence crits.
I was in such a hurry. I just thought of the basic framework and wrote down the rest of it in a hurry.
I definitely needed to take a deeper and more careful look at this, so I think I may need to rewrite this later.
But, This is the first time I've received such a long text.
Thank you, Praetor! I will develop this.
Oh my god, what did I just read? Without a doubt, something unusually incredible!
This whole text is very long! It took me a long time to read it and I like how it is written, without a doubt, it deserves my +1.
Great job, Indus Guys.
You guys shined!
Rhauniel Strange-(Yilda Dagger) "Author of Horroria"
Re: Oh my god, what did I just read? Without a doubt, something unusually incredible!
Compliments make me feel happy!
Thank you to read
Although the article is notably lengthy, I hope the author recognizes their aim to develop a unified narrative. However, the segmentation into East and West sections introduces a pronounced sense of fragmentation across the text. I challenge the idea that longer articles inherently possess greater quality. From my perspective, the article seems unnecessarily extended.
By the way, as I'm not fluent in English, I'm using ChatGPT's translation. Please forgive any deviations in meaning or grammatical errors that may occur.
Getting downvotes is sad, but you left a comment including the reason why you downvote this article, which gives me some help.
Thank you to read!
Won't make a full comment given what Praetor mentioned, but this is strikingly similar to Level 11 and its "buildings" when it comes to wording.
Please mind the Forest.
I should have been more careful.
Anyway, thank you to read!
Reasons for Downvote:
Unlike ordinary, i'll try to use a more straight foward way to critique this page, no bulleting point.
The description part caught my attention for it being well designed on layout, but the content in it lacks a bit of substance, the description shows us it's a bridge, can have more description of the bridge itself, the looks, the road situation, the style of the bridge, which is more logical since it's the first thing a wanderer will notice when they noclipped into the level, but author choose to describe further for the situation around the bridge, where it led to, the sounds, the river underneath it, they are great, but- where's the description about the bridge itself? and it also providing useless information such as forbid to jump into the river for the water is differ than normal water, which, is unnecessary since we all know that no matter in what situation (except you're really in danger), a mankind shouldn't jump into the river. And temperature, you can normally mention temperature within the Level, but honestly it won't really provide us much imagination, if you mention it, you better use it, or just leave a description saying "cold and chilly".
In the actual Level part of the page, the prologue repeated the fact there's a bridge connecting to both of the island, a fact we already acknowledge prior, so repeating this won't help.
In the actual Level description part of the page, I realized that asides for the first few sentence, the entire description chunk are wasted to describe how the temperature, the season changing are identical to the east asia of the frontrooms, which again, isn't anything I really need to build my imagination, the description itself aside these passage is basically describing a Level 11, but limited, which essentially means it's a City. the only useful information here is that you mentioned the developed Level is divided into 4 part. Knowing it's a city and similar to Level 11 is the least thing I want to know for a city level.
The section 1 is… Boring to read, and also a nothingburger, "it looks similar to a typical city in the frontrooms", ok, what is typical? Asia style? Europe style? and it's also portraying to me again that… it's a city, and I am not interested on seeing to word city again, furthermore it told me that it has the basic city infrastructures by telling me that the Level has numerous of hospital, apartment, roads… yes, again, you're telling me that this is a city, I strongly advice the author to come up with something that's interesting and not fill-ups here. There's no fix here with the current content, it need a massive rewrite toward the section, and it's up to the author.
Section 2 have more content, however, you add too many fluff here too, "in the sense that a majority of buildings are available to the public and have some amenities" can be removed, the moment you say that section 2 is similar to section 1, we already know this fact, so unless you really want to mentioning something very very important and want to let readers to remember it by the fact it has public buildings, you don't need this line. It has a factory, although not being used, it has an almond water lake, it's being moderated by a base of 30 people, GREAT! I actually gather information of it, despite doesn't seems too important, but it's a progress.
Section 3 have no much to say, it's a decaying city blocks, no much moderation, and it has many entities in it, not safety, you pretty much says everything without being to repetitive, nothing really needs to change, but I encourage you to expand more, because it's tedious.
Section 4, again, just a decaying block with no moderation, quite repetitive and little difference with Section 3, except it's even more broken… wait.
as we mentioned above, too. If you enter the Developed Zone by no-clipping, the chance to wake up in Section 4 is more common than in the case of bridge
When? when did "as we mentioned above" ? it comes without anything mentioning that you'll noclip into here? the above only mentioned you'll likely noclip to the bridge… add some forshadow before this, please.
Entity section, it's just some bulleting points about entities, nothing too new and it's quite boring, although it's not critical, but for me it's tedious.
Community section, I think Backrooms Robotic should name themselves in, specially when they noted that there is bases moderating Section 2, hence it really feels odd when they say: "not being any existing long-term present outposts from notable groups within any of the sections", also they said there's some loose communities, I don't see reasons for the author to not write them in.
Exit and entrence have nothing too bad, just what we'll expect from a normal level.
Undeveloped Level part, the description on the beginning already start to repeat itself, bad sign, "This section is commonly known as the "Underdeveloped Zone" and bears an environment opposite to the Developed Zone."(first line) and "Level 705's Underdeveloped Zone has a totally opposite environment from the Developed Zone."(the first line afte example of anomalies), Undeveloped Level will always be night, that feels like it's not in the same plave of the Developed Zone, but the description is actually more entertaining to read compares to Developed zone since it doesn't have many divided and undeveloped sections, no much I really wants to address here. It's also less repetitive.
Overall, if author wants to rewrite this, please go to discord forum and ask for more SPaG and Concept crit, this Level is rough and it feels like it doesn't belongs to our site's quality. Another complains is that Backrooms Robotic doesn't seems to really being related to this Level, like, they're just backgrounds, no narratives about them, no malicious thing or special things really made by them, it just feel so out-of-place for them to be here.
but the design of the page is quite nice.
Very Overhated This is Pretty good actually like its Variant Difficulty in some places it is Class 5 some parts Class 3 I like this level All you could improve was Maybe not make it Too Similar to different levels because it feels like The Frontrooms Level 1 and Level 11 all into one but overall I like this Level
interesting concept, rushed execution.
-1
/forum/t-16753429/level-705-a-tale-of-two-islands#post-