+1 Snipe?
Sorry Niku I was waiting for your post but it's been about an hour.
I love these kinds of articles! They're old but they're a classic! +1
(I was the first upvote :D)
~🌱
Entity 30 - "Mother" / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page Entity 30 - "Mother".
This is too one note of a page to work for me. You bring the first big idea into the first offset: an entity calling herself "mother" who wants people to believe her to be a nice figure. That has potential! I initially thought, Yes, even if the use of corruption isn't the most subtle, I can still believe this will go somewhere, so I'll finish the page and see what I think. By the end of my read-through, I was wondering if I had missed anything because no new concepts were introduced to me.
It's so drawn out that it gets boring by the end. To make this work, you would need to maintain the reader's retention by expanding on the ideas you brought to the page. If I read just the first offset, I'm still getting the same amount of information as if I read all three because of how easily you show your cards. I feel that my time as a reader was wasted. Barring any grammatical errors I noticed on the page, if you were to work on this further, I think you should really make this a more complex idea or slim the page down a considerable amount. As such, I will be giving this a down-vote for now.
Bonus notes: The art on the page is a big positive note for me. It's very evocative, and even if I don't think you used it to its full potential, I think it was really well made and commend you for that. However, to counter that good point, the thematic use of her being a mother doesn't seem to be at the forefront here. You should really try to work on that, as it's not something that I've seen done on many other Backrooms pages.
The black owl spreads its wings once more.
She's not supposed to be a good mother. If you read the last offset you will receive much context on what kind of mother she is. (An abusive mother who lures weak hearted people to posses them and devour their souls). The author wanted me to mantain how the corruption is done too. So not much I can feasibly do about that.
And also all the info in the first page is practically unreadable. So you do not know much about her until the end,
I'd fully disagree. You are able to largely fill in the gaps of the first page that E30 leaves, as the corrupted parts are incredibly obvious.
Goodness, wikidot has a weird account system. What's this weird forum signature thi
That's the point. She's bad at corrupting, but is gradually evolving as you can see in the second and last offset.
So you agree with me that all the info in the first page is not practically unreadable?
Goodness, wikidot has a weird account system. What's this weird forum signature thi
I supposed I expressed myself wrongly then. What I meant is that it's not very useful because it doesn't tell you everything and it's also corrupted.
I would like to know what the code for the credentials is, but hey, good rewrite, I really liked it. Now it's my turn, hehe.
I will need help, it's my 1st rewrite😅
Hm, I think I agree mostly with what Liurnia said. The "twist" is obvious, not much is… really revealed. I don't think it's flaws are worthy of a downvote.
Okay actually, thinking about it a bit more, I think the focus is on the wrong twist. The twist shouldn't be "Mother is actually an abusive mother," but "Mother is like a rapidly evolving virus capable of changing in order to control those around her."
The narrative (if you choose to rewrite it) would ideally go something like this:
- Mother corrupts the online database.
- The M.E.G. adapts, putting it behind encryption.
- Mother still corrupts the page.
- Okay the MEG moves to auditory page-keeping
- Gasp! She adapted again!
- The cycle repeats yadda yadda and so on so forth
The actual twist should be something like… Mother is now able to affect real-time conversations about her. This then leads to the question, if she can do this, what else can she affect? What lengths is she willing to go to in order to control her image?
You already have this structure here with the offsets actually. The weakness in the page comes from the third offset, which is just giving us what the reader can infer on the first offset. Instead, it should be a summation. It should prompt the reader to ask the question, "What are the implications?"
You got good bones here Niku. So nice work. :) There's room for improvement, but I understand if you just want to let it be and use this as a learning experience.
It's a mix of both factors. Praetor did a great analysis but I will once again share it. The point is that Mother is an alien creature who gets to slowly adapt to how human beings talk and how she can reach out to them and lure them in a cycle of abuse to keep them as her children. It's not just a matter of her being a "virus" which is wrong already because she's not a virus. But it shows that an abuser slowly learns new tactics in order to make their victims easy to manipulate and harm. Each offset represents a stage of abuse, such as the first which is avoiding the red flags and not seeing through them, the second being the abusers increase in toxic behaviours and the third is the uncovered full on abuse as the abuser no longer hides.
Her corrupting pages and being bad at it until she learns how to improve is already a core fact alongside her being a metaphor of abuse. For that reason I do not understand the criticism you've given me as most people in the comments seem to have misunderstood what I was trying to show.
To the writer: if the MAJORITY of people don’t understand what you were trying to depict here, it says more about your writing than the ability of the reader to interpret the writing. Maybe take some of this criticism into serious account because there is a lot of potential here, really.
interesting concept bogged down by clunky execution and dialogue. the third offset disrupts the process of the reveal by reverting to plot points we've already seen on the previous offsets. the dialogue sounds more like a rehearsed info-dump than two people having an organic conversation with each other.
-1
/forum/t-16749326/entity-30-mother#post-