The Lazy River [Seeking Greenlights]
I've been posting many times on this forum so here's another attempt for a greenlight
The Lazy River [Seeking Greenlights]
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» Writing Help / Help: Draft Critique
» The Lazy River [Seeking Greenlights]
Summary:
If you wanna relax, just come to the lazy river. Beware the red fog.
Image of the corridor is a blender render by (CreamyPeanutButter) Entra
nce and exit drawing was drawn by (CreamyPeanutButter) and the image taken is from (CreamyPeanutButter). (Robertswaterparkambience) is a modified version of (Café Bossa by Riverworm) created by (CreamyPeanutButter). > (RiverSound) is a modified version of T120 by (JORDANN) created by (Andrew Quist).
These images aren't properly cited; it is required that you use a License Box when listing your image's sources. For a simple explanation of how to do so, I'll forward you to the two following guides.
- http://backrooms-wiki.wikidot.com/image-use-policy
- http://backrooms-wiki.wikidot.com/component:license-box
Entity Amounts Vary
A better way to phrase this would be: "Varying Entity Density"
Conditions Vary
Seeing as this is replacing the use of the security term, I believe you mean something like: "Varying Topology"
Level XXX is the XXXth Level of the Backrooms.
The use of this traditional phrase is one that's falling out of use and is actively being phased out within newer drafts. Although you're not barred from using the expression, I would recommend removing it. Down below are several links showing that the phrase is being discouraged from use, all originating from the Backrooms Tech Support Discord server:
corridors that take the appearance of
Add "on" after the use of the word take.
Level XXX is known for having music that is audible throughout the entire level. When wanderers who entered Level XXX were asked about the music, most of the responses said that it makes them feel uncomfortable.
You could cut down on a lot of unnecessary text if you said something like: "Level XXX is known for its relaxing music that plays overhead throughout the entire space."
Audio recording of Level XXX.
I believe the inclusion of this audio file would be better utilized by adding it as an ambiance. You can find a guide on doing so:
Level XXX was discovered by a member…
I don't really think this discovery is adding anything to the draft, so you would be better off removing it in its entirety.
- Hounds
- Facelings
- Crawlers
- Dullers
- Skin-Stealer
I dislike listing this in a bullet point set. If I were you, I would try and add this information into the descriptory paragraphs more smoothly.
was renamed to Wanderer's Paradise.
Remove "to" from this sentence.
Lazy River Center was originally the most peaceful group in Level XXX, until the rise in popularity of Wanderer's Paradise. Ever since, Lazy River Center has attempted to prevail over Wanderer's Paradise and remake it into a division of Lazy River Center multiple times.
There aren't enough details within any of the outposts to justify why they're included in the level; they don't tie to any aspects of the environment and they don't have enough substance to be compelling. Either remove them or flesh them out fully.
Audio recording of Robert's Water Park.
I don't really think this secondary audio recording is really needed. It sounds indiscernible from the first, so I don't really see a point in its inclusion.
Illustration of the entrance and exit.
This illustration completely removes any type of professionalism you tried to build up prior to it in the draft. If I was you, I would completely remove this image as it breaks the reader's immersion quite a bit.
The Red Fog is an event that can occur within Level XXX.
Alright, so you stopped the page right when you got to something that could be a lot more interesting that how you've portrayed it. The best thing I could tell you to help you with your page's conceptual flaws is to expand your reach. You cover several topics on a very surface level, so I feel very unsatisfied as a reader. Go deeper (no pun intended) into your core concepts and see where that leads you storytelling wise. Everything, the outposts, the red fog, the variable aspects of the level and the B.T.N.G. inclusion could be expanded upon a lot more to bring out this level's full potential. Write more to satisfy your reader. On a side note, there were some grammatical errors I chose not to cover so that I could recommend a grammar checker to you. There isn't any reason for you to not be using one, and it saves anyone who wants to give your level feedback from having to go over a bunch of smaller points.
The black owl spreads its wings once more.
/forum/t-16744221/the-lazy-river-seeking-greenlights#post-