Round 2 (Critiques/G-light)
Here is my level thing: http://backrooms-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/the-base-of-93
Thanks =)
Round 2 (Critiques/G-light)
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» Round 2 (Critiques/G-light)
Summary:
I am posting this again after revisions and stuff. Thanks to Error012 for critiquing this before.
Level 93.2 is a sublevel in between Level 93 and 94. It is understood as the base to Level 93's mountain. The base is surrounded by a mountain range.
The use of this traditional phrase is one that's falling out of use and is actively being phased out within newer drafts. Although you're not barred from using the expression, I would recommend removing it. Down below are several links showing that the phrase is being discouraged from use, all originating from the Backrooms Tech Support Discord server:
Rating: 0 + X
Usually, the rating box is located at the top of the page, above the Survival Difficulty class, but it's not required to make that change if you would prefer not to.
Level 93.2 is a mountain range with massive mountain in the middle, the range is grassy and is comfortable to walk on.
Add "a" after "with" and try to avoid the repitition of the word "mountain" because it will sound awkward when used too often within a short period of time, so you may prefer something like "with its summit located directly within its center." The comma should be changed to a semicolon, and you can remove the use of "is" after "and." This is probably a good time to bring this up: there are a lot of little grammatical errors in your draft that can easily be fixed if you put it through a spell checker. (Quill Bot is my favorite for this.) If you have a lot of these grammar errors riddled throughout your page, critics will be less likely to look at it, so you should aim to fix as many as you can before you seek them out. You are not above a spell-checker; everyone is better with them. I'll be ignoring all the non-obvious grammatical errors going forward.
There is only a couple of trees that have red leaves and no fruit.
The wording here is odd. By saying it like this, you're making it seem like there may be a surplus of other flora, but for some reason the rarity of red trees are notable. Here's a rewrite to take inspiration from that aims to achieve a clearer meaning: "There is little flora here, barring the occasional tree adorned with many red leaves."
Level 93.2 and Level 93 are both renowned for their weather.
None of the information presented here earns the right to its own header. Add these details into a cohesive paragraph.
There is an abysmal number of entities
Using "abysmal" is really odd here because it could also function to communicate that there's a lot of entities here. I would instead just say that the entity presence here is scarce for clarity's sake.
Several Wanderers are allowed in this level at one time.
Wanderer doesn't exist as a proper noun to my knowledge, so it shouldn't be capitalized. I won't point out future examples of this in your text, as you should be able to fix them yourself.
You can team up with them and explore together.
This wording makes it sound like a video game. Instead, talk about how preparation with others can increase the chance of survival within the sub-level.
The climbers are a group of Wanderers whose main goal is the help people in the level. They will provide Almond Water, climbing gear, and other helpful resources. Approach kindly and they will supply.
I don't see why this needed to be given its own header. This would fit perfectly fine if it was just listed in the description, and I believe it would be better off if you did so.
Level Level 8, Level 363, or level 220. Burying yourself in snow will send you back up to level 93.
The errors should be obvious. Remove the excess of the word "level" and capitalize the proper nouns where it wasn't already done.
Level 93.2 is a
You need to write, write, and write some more. This has very little substance and is barely even a draft. You need to expand on it conceptually (by adding more to its core concepts; what differentiates this from just being a place in the real world) and giving the reader more descriptory details. This is a mountain range. How will you sell your reader off its concept? If you can create a sentence that lures readers in by offering a unique and interesting read, then you've succeeded.
The black owl spreads its wings once more.
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