[Seeking Critique and Greenlight] A Beastly Agreement

Summary:

A tale.

[Seeking Critique and Greenlight] A Beastly Agreement

PenOrSaber1 06 Sep 2023 14:51

http://backrooms-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/a-beastly-agreement
It's a tale explaining part of the lore in a canon me and another user are creating. It's short, but I hope that doesn't impact the read too much.

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Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Re: [Seeking Critique and Greenlight] A Beastly Agreement

KKitsunebi 08 Sep 2023 07:58

I have no relevant critique, this was definitely made very well. Good work. I'm new and don't particularly know how to greenlight, so I can't help with that. I will say, it's somewhat disorienting that Ryan's text is side flipped.

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May your truth be unmasked.

Re: [Seeking Critique and Greenlight] A Beastly Agreement

PenOrSaber1 08 Sep 2023 12:38

I didn't want the reader to mix up the dialogue of the Beast and Ryan. I'll take your advice into consideration, but I doubt I'll change it.
But thanks!
About Greenlighting, only people who have officially been made a greenlighter can provide a valid one, so you couldn't help with that.

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Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Re: [Seeking Critique and Greenlight] A Beastly Agreement

KKitsunebi 08 Sep 2023 15:46

Ah, makes sense.

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May your truth be unmasked.

Re: [Seeking Critique and Greenlight] A Beastly Agreement

LegendaryLarn 07 Oct 2023 02:06

Hello, I wanted to ask whether or not the character who is speaking in first person was supposed to have formal or informal dialogue.
If the tone you were going for was "guy who is fuckin over The Beast of Level 5 's shit", you may want to add a quite few more contractions, as the tone sounds too clinical to seem loose and free-flow. On the topic, try to make sure the conversation happening between Ryan and The Beast of Level 5 is a plausible discussion with a manipulator and someone who is over their bull.

Also, the flow of the dialogue is quite choppy. A good chunk of the transcript's "conversational replies", if you will, were either too short or too long. If you throw everything at your reader in one go, they aren't gonna know what hit em'.

My advice is to run a fine-toothed comb through your article, perhaps based on the guidelines above. Improvement in SPaG errors should come naturally whilst following the revising process. Go with the flow, man.

Have a good one =]

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Merry Christmas

Re: [Seeking Critique and Greenlight] A Beastly Agreement

PenOrSaber1 07 Oct 2023 12:49

I wanted to make Ryan somewhere in between a proper and improper speaker, since he is representing this group, but he is used to being as formal as his group (as seen here:http://backrooms-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/collab:runes0), so he still uses profanity. I was trying to make the Beast as proper and formal as possible, so I think I edited out all the contractions in his lines. I'll do what you suggested with dialogue and try to add more contractions to Ryan's dialogue.
But anyways, thanks for the feedback! Probably the best critique I've received from a non-greenlighter.

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Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin