Snipe
Did the +1 thing. I like it
Komo’oide And Philia / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page Komo’oide And Philia.
Great progress!
I can see you applied the crit I gave you! I'm glad that you've been so eager to listen and apply feedback. Your willingness to learn will take you far!
I think there's really no need to apply these to this piece in particular! You can do that if you like, but I know you're working on many more drafts as well, so I think it would be more beneficial to keep these in mind for those!
1. Don't simply copy paste ;)
I can see there's a couple paragraphs of my own in there… ehehe
I'm very flattered that you enjoy my writing, but it's good to look through and edit it once it gets to you (unless it comes to a final SPaG critique — that you should apply fully, since it's mostly sentence structure and grammar fixes)! As it is, I can still pretty confidently pick out the parts in this tale that I wrote… no matter what, each author has their own different stylistic flavor, and you don't want the fabric of the story to become patchy with different styles! Think of it as receiving a room once used by another person — of course, you'll want to redecorate it to fit you. By all means, if I or another critter give you a couple paragraphs to illustrate a point, you can copy it in if you like it, but afterward you should go ahead and make it your own!
2. Imagery
I stood and watched as he performed for the first time, making sure the magic behind him could captivate the looks of others, making sure he was illuminated and looked at. I made sure his colorful clothes were always ready to be worn, as he went around showing them to the others…
I was like his mother, and he was like my son, and I stood and watched as he grew. I stood and watched as I helped him forward from the well hidden background…
Good improvement here! I like the repetition you added of "stood and watched", as I suggested! I can see you also applied my suggestion to create more 'snapshot' scenes of Nunca's childhood (forgive me if my memory fails me, but I think that is what I suggested). Within these scenes though, your writing is still a teeny bit plain. This is fine when you mean to just skip past a scene, but when it's an important scene, you should slow down and take time to describe the surroundings in more detail! For you as an author, you have already painted the scene in your brain, but you need to convey that scene with your words if you want the scene to be painted in your readers' brains as well! As it is, words like "magic" and "looked at" are still a bit vague.
Consider:
I stood and watched behind the curtain as he performed for the first time. Hidden from sight, I worked my magic, my sparkling flashes of radiant light bursting up across the stage to twirl with him in a secret duet, illuminating his rosy cheeks as he leapt to and fro like lightning. The hand-woven clothes I had spun shimmered in splendor, its dazzling rainbow colors shifting brilliantly in perfect sync with the whirlwind dance you had taught him, his bright smile and electrifying vibrance captivating the cheering crowds — where you stood yourself and watched him, moved to tears at how your little boy had grown…
Almost as much as you, I felt like his mother, and he felt like my son, and I stood and watched as he grew. I stood and watched as I helped him forward**, leading him quietly up the shadowy backstage steps and out into the spotlight…
What I did here was that I sprinkled in more images. I wrote in important visual details ("rosy cheeks", "flashes of radiant light", "bright smile") and placement ("behind the curtain", "across the stage", "where you stood"), which helps readers to better fill in the details of how things looked. I also included movement ("sparkling flashes", "leapt to and fro", "whirlwind dance") and sound ("cheering crowds"), so that the picture in readers' minds stands out more! I make sure these images give a sense of the atmosphere and energy of the scene ("like lightning", "electrifying vibrance").
Additionally, I thought it would be nice to add where Komo'oide is in this scene as well… so that it doesn't seem like Nunca is interacting with Philia and Komo only separately, but we see how they both interact differently with Nunca in the same scene, to show the difference between them! So I included the detail of Komo watching with the crowd, and having been the one to teach him the dance, to show how both Philia and Komo have nurtured him together as he has grown up — yet while Komo stands in full view of the crowd, Philia is hidden backstage, quietly content and out of the limelight! This is another added benefit of more vivid images — you can use them to weave in descriptions that remind the reader of the traits of each character!
3. Grammar note
Just FYI try not to use the same word twice in the same sentence/few sentences. It can sound a little clunky.
E.g.:
Your avatar often gifted them to you as a token of gratitude ever since that day he first gifted you some.
Many centuries had passed since he became an avatar, and Nunca had grown into a fearsome, yet respectable and trustworthy avatar.
Of course, this DOESN'T apply when you are repeating words on purpose for emphasis! Usually when you do that, try to repeat three or more times, so readers become aware that it's on purpose and not an accident. You do a really nice job in this tale with "stood and watched", for example!
Yep that's about all! Looking forward to more of your work!
/forum/t-16178464/komooide-and-philia#post-