sni
(account deleted) 23 Mar 2023 13:54
pee pee
hi it is me aaron92
Level 389 - "The Gaming Hall" / Discussion
Forum
» Meta / Per page discussions
» Level 389 - "The Gaming Hall"
This is the discussion related to the wiki page Level 389 - "The Gaming Hall".
(account deleted) 23 Mar 2023 13:54
To keep it brief I’m just going to list my reasons
->Quite a few Syntax and word choice confusions
(For instance, “The Fridge does not have food unless the Game Master says so.” Could be changed to “The Fridge is usually empty, unless the Game Master wills it stocked” or something like that)
->Mentions of concepts that are not touched on
(A good example would be how in the bottom of the article, it mentions a ‘Flee Deal.’ While it is intuitive as to what this means, it feels sloppy throwing it in without prior context. [From a writing perspective.])
->General feeling of blandness or unfinished material
(This is harder to pick a specific instance, but throughout most of the article the vibe is just off. It feels like this one needed a bit more time in the cooker, yknow?)
This being said, the article is still very good in concept, which is why this isn’t a downdoot. (Plus I can guess a significant amount of my gripes were caused from a certain Mickey metaphorically holding a gun to your head to crank this out quickly /s /t)
i agree there are syntax and word choice issues, but i think the use of "says so" has a certain eeriness to it I wouldn't want to see replaced
You promised you'd take me there again some day… but you never did.
I understand what you mean but there are definitely better ways to rephrase it even with that vibe as a goal. I see what its trying to accomplish but it just doesn’t hit the mark because of how out of place it sounds.
i'll do a thorough critique later. im putting this here so you know im not downvoting bc its pantheon connected
EDIT: nvm i dont feel like it.
Not disappointing, but not impressive either.
It just— doesn't seem to be written with a purpose. It starts off like some ordinary article and initially utilizes a wording choice I would personally adjust slightly. (Such as the "unless the Game Master says so" thing mentioned by Spectre.)
The focus then changes to some chain of e-mails which I believe to be too short to stand as such. Like, they are more-so written as if they were in a sort of chatroom like Discord, except it's just slightly more formal.
Also
I'm near the back of the garage. There's a fairly large puddle of water that's dripping from the pipes above, and about 3 crates stacked in the corner. The poster is attached to one of the pillars and I’m behind another pillar trying the hide from it. Shit, I just heard a loud noise hang on.
This is an example of what I mean— like, it feels like a message which was sent rapidly after hearing a noise rather than an e-mail. And I mean— it's just half-realistic, and I honestly see that it didn't get to anything. It felt unfinished. It felt like it interrupted abruptly. If there was supposed to be a story there is no ending save for the e-mails stopping for some spooky reason.
Honestly, if the page just had a bit more to it, it might've been an upvote.
That is all.
Please mind the Forest.
Pretty much my feelings exactly if I articulated them better than typing a review from my toilet 💀
the majority of the content fine, nothing really notable, but a good sum of the content is questionably written. what does "pastel colors like a popular cooking game" mean.
Our company promise is that we use, only, and always only the finest asphalt in our sandwiches!
This level finally got rewritten and…its bad?? Yeah im sorry but this is less of a rewrite and more of an unprofessional summary of the original level by someone who read the level once and tried their best to remember all the details. -1
yoink_
interesting concept bogged down by 2020 nothingburger execution.
-1
/forum/t-15764587/level-389-the-gaming-hall#post-