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Hey y'all. This is my first rewrite in this whole wikidot. I hope you enjoyed the page, as I found these entities incredibly interesting from the first time I saw them.
Thanks to everyone in the discord server for helping me out with this. All the people that helped are referenced in the "author" collapsible.
Edit: The page has been updated as of 6/9/23 7/13/2023. (Check page 2 for details)
While certainly an improvement over the original, this just feels more like a “SPaG correction” of the original page rather than an actual rewrite. The main issue with the original page was how little the page had to offer conceptually. In this page, we still have to deal with 1–2 paragraph descriptions that are just reworded versions of the original page’s paragraphs.
The logs don’t add much—all they do is demonstrate what you just said in the paragraphs prior.
The message feels eerie, but simultaneously, it feels too disjointed and oddly worded for it to have any sort of “horror” impact.
I expected an actual revamp—one that would take this page to new heights. Instead, I feel like what I got was something better, but still not serviceable.
A crucial part of rewrites is not copying the prose of the original. You take the original idea and remake it as your own. If you just copy the prose of a page that didn’t have much good prose to begin with (without adding much more to it), no amount of SPaG revisions can save the page from the mundanity that thus follows.
I can tell you’re trying to build up this concept of electrical disturbance, but in my opinion, this starts picking up much too late in the page and is a little inconsistent tone-wise.
Whoa, it’s a forum signature. Ain’t that cool?
I’m waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
Echoing all the feedback said here; there exists much potential here as far as rewrites go, and my expectations for what could have been were not met at all. As said by Sky, this page falls into the same conceptual pit that the old page was rewritten for. Add more spins on this; bring this in a new, interesting direction that I know is very easy to achieve. Until that is done, I'm very confident with giving this a -1.
Hmm, maybe you're right. I will take a look at the page and see if I can add more meat to the bone. In that sense, I will keep the forum open on discord so I am still able to receive criticism and suggestions.
As Sky stated, this page feels a bit underdeveloped and too similar to the old version. However, I’d like to point out another issue: this page has some issues with flow. In my opinion, a ton of parts feel janky.
Extra SPaG Correction:
They are known to cause static interference in video media and still image recordings will destroy any visible electronic devices.
Something seems to be missing before the word “will”.
I will continue to work on the page. The problem was that I was stuck on a rewrite deadline, but now I will surely keep improving the current page. I will keep asking for pointers are criticism in the discord.
Sky's post describes the majority of the issues that I see could be corrected here.
It would be disingenuous to downvote as the re-write is an improvement, however I feel as though the article still feels somewhat dull and that the introduction of the electrical interference concept was inconsistent.
Will have no problem upvoting once the majority of the issues mentioned so far have been corrected.
When will an image for the swimmers be added
Controversially, I think this is a near perfect re-write. This page keeps the essential aspects of the original page, while not distorting the original author's vision. The article more adds to what is already there and fixes the execution problems with the original. Trying to fundamentally change the concept would be comparable to killing the original page. I would personally stick to your guns and leave the page as it is, some people cannot be satisfied. Currently, these classic eyeballs feel as classic as ever.
In the future, I hope re-writes can look like this one; with an adherence to the author's original vision being kept in mind.
(account deleted)