sniped
Great read and cool plot! +1
Absolute secrecy must be upheld by any means necessary ~ The Vault
Level 330 - "A Stroke of Colour" / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page Level 330 - "A Stroke of Colour".
Say, what happens to wanderers who are frozen in place as art versions of themselves? Do they sometimes disappear or does something else deal with them aka taken care of them?
They're stuck there forever to be randomly stumbled across by a soon-to-be horrified wanderer >:)
Well, I like your concept and all, but, here’s a thought of mine, maybe there could be an entity (there seems to be a doodle daughter and doodle mother (I think) but never a father, just could a father could be a realistic art doodle that takes care of the frozen drawings? Just a thought I had)
eh, it's the backrooms. people get stuck for eternity a lot
(account deleted)TL;DR: The article lacks depth and the plot felt contrived, though the idea itself is somewhat novel.
This is a first article so of course I'm not going to be expecting Shakespeare. With that said, I still feel as though an article that relies heavily on the narrative should have some more thought given to how it flows and feels. I also feel as though the non-narrative parts of the article were botched in that there was much more that could have been said which wasn't in order to put more emphasis on the narrative. What I have read just now isn't an absolute mess like a few other recent articles (though it does have some off sentence structuring), but it most certainly can be improved.
Minimal explanations
One of the things here that shocked (for lack of a better term, I wasn't especially devastated mind you) me the most was the fact that there isn't much to go off on a descriptive basis. We're introduced to natural elements like lakes, houses, etc later on in the article during the logs, but none of that is present in the description, and our image of the level relies entirely on the image given with it. One thing I always try to keep in mind when writing a descriptive part is whether or not one could imagine it in their heads without a visual nudge. Of course, a good image helps greatly no doubt, but overreliance on it makes it so that were I to read this to someone without showing them the image, they'd not have a good idea on what exactly is inside your level. Because of the image, I know there are houses, trees, but what else? Lakes aren't in the image, but you mention one in the logs. What's inside the homes? How do some of the parts of this level work in 2D (e.g clouds, passive entities, etc). You as the author know this, but we as readers don't. You should first and foremost try to give us an idea of the setting before setting up a narrative.
Narrative flatness
Speaking of the narrative, it's not exactly something that pops out to me. I think a big problem here is the fact that it lacks a sort of humanity that a normal human would react to the situation at hand with.
The first log, for example, is devoid of the fear that should be felt in the situation. The reaction doesn't feel real, and sounds more like a non-tonal "Oh no." rather than a terrified "Oh no!", especially at the end. It feels very convenient because it sort of explain what's already been told in the article, and because of that it feels artificial, like the things happening here have all happened to justify an origin story encounter for this level.
"Some had died long ago, the ones that were still alive, they- they screamed at me, told me to run, leave, before it's too late, before I become like them. Paint's started appearing under my shoes, this level… it does things to wanderers. Bad things."
This is a prime offender. The first part is a warning to leave the level to showcase that this thing is, indeed, a bad place to be in — unnecessary information, considering we've already learnt these things are frozen up wanderers. The second part is information that the wanderer in question should not exactly be noticing here now that they're in another situation. They would not be focusing on a small detail like that in this scenario. Lastly, the cryptic part after that, it's a bit unnecessary because we've already seen that sentiment expressed earlier on in the paragraph.
A better way to structure this sequence would've been to have the paint be noticed early on as a weird thing, and then once they get to the people, they try to investigate, thinking they're just more drawing, and then realizing they're alive when they see their eyes darting about for example. None of them open their mouths save for one, who urges them to leave and tells them that talking endangers both of them, or something like that. More subtle, definitely a scarier situation to be in, and it would help the pacing of this whole first log better. It would show an actual narrative that feels important to read in, that it preceded the information we already know rather than it having come after as an additional 'lore' piece.
The second log isn't much different. There's a sudden and unexplained change in format I'm not fond of, but most of the issues seen in the first log are seen once more here. The team doesn't really have good chemistry, and whilst that could've created an interesting dynamic in a stressful situation, the result is just the generic M.E.G. sacrificial lamb group which bickers and banters between them as they go about the mission. It doesn't feel natural, and a lot of this just isn't how people would talk in a situation like this.
I'll give you an example of how I would've wrote it to remedy that issue:
Blane: Alright squad, we do not have long until we have to leave, be on the look out for any human-like standees, and any close-by exits. We need answers, and we need a way out.
Virta: I… already do not like this place, looks like a five-year-old made it.
Osvin: And what, you can paint better than this? You can't even draw stick figures, man.
Virta: Shut the fuck up you-
Blane: Enough, you two, we do not have time to sit and argue about artistic ability. We will not find what we are looking for if you two keep messing around. It's time to focus.
My version:
Blane: Right, camera's on. Do the rest of you guys have yours on?
[Multiple affirmative responses are heard. Blane nods.]
Blane: Perfect. So, I assume that there's no need to brief you all on the situation on hand, provided that, of course, you've all read up on it as I told you to. I'm pointing towards you Osvin.
Osvin: Yeesh, it was just one time man.
Blane: One time too many. Anyways, remember to be on the look out for humanoid standees, and don't stray too far away from each other. If you find an exit, inform the rest of us ASAP and send a signal. You might make or break the whole expedition.
[More affirmative responses are heard.]
Blane: Alright then, move out!
[The team splits up and begins looking around the general area.]
Virta: Yeesh, this place is giving me the heebie-jeebies. It's like a five year old drew this whole place.
Osvin: Pshh, as if you could do any better! I've seen your stickman doodles Virta, you're not exactly Caravaggio.
Virta: Buzz off! Besides, you weren't supposed to look at it anyways. Maybe if you weren't nosy, you could-
Blane: Knock it off guys. Fight between you once you're back on home turf. For now, focus on the task at hand.
My version isn't perfect either, but I hope it highlights what it is that should be fixed. The characters could be a bit more lively which shows that they have at least some form of chemistry, even if it's negative. Furthermore, the interaction feels natural, not like it was made to further a narrative but like it was a real thing that happened, which just so happens to have relevant information for your story. Later on in the thing, the same issue arises. The standees seem like they're just there to spoonfeed us, the readers, with the backstory of how the M.E.G. learnt things — someone in an "I have no mouth and I must scream" scenario would not be spouting trivia about their eternal damnation in a situation like this. The mood of the situation, grim as it is, is also not exposed well thematically. There's jokes in the middle of interviewing people who are confined to their bodies. We don't get to experience the absolute terror they feel because you don't feel invested in the situation, and part of the reason that happens (apart from some stiff dialogue) is because the mood hasn't been decided completely.
Lastly, the reaction to an unknown entity also feels very… inhuman. If I was in a situation where I'm suddenly confronted by a potential life or death situation with something I can't comprehend, I would not try to interview this unknown creature. I'd run for it. Always try to put yourself in these scenarios: Very few people would actually try something like this, because it's very risky even if it doesn't seem like it.
Format Screw
The end part is a bit weird. I don't know who the caretaker or this girl is, but from what I can infer, she's a worldbender who can create an entire world just because she wants to draw. She's ticked off that humans come into it, which is understandable, but her response to the situation feels… confusing? What's this about clones? What exactly did she do? Why does she want to show it to this caretaker? If this place has the probability of being infinite, why is she so concerned about putting this in the painting when she can put it where the painting isn't for example? Or maybe she could try to make exiting easier by drawing a door with an exit sign on it or something?
These are all spitballed ideas and questions, but what I mean to say is that is just feels a bit redundant to have this. It removes a big aspect of mystery by explaining what this place is, and it doesn't really add much but the interaction between the caretaker and the creature. If anything, it could do without that last part if you ask me, and possibly even without the caretaker thing. a third explanation log would've done more justice to the idea if you could find out how to incorporate the last part of the article's information into it: think an encounter gone astray where the little one gets angry and begins trying to hurt the humans directly, but the caretaker calms her down and sends humans on their way after explaining to them her reaction. You'd be showing all the characters, explaining lore, and making it blend into the article itself without the distracting format screw collapsible.
Final Words
It's not that this idea is bad, because it's very ripe with potential, but I feel like a large amount of it isn't explored fully. The pacing and narrative aspects of this story could definitely be improved — not necessarily in the way I specified — and I'd like to see another version of this where the story feels more natural. Otherwise, the whole article feels a bit unrewarding to read through. I as the reader don't get much from this other than the terror of the inking process, and that is a short scare.
If you plan on writing more for this series, I strongly urge you to pass articles related to it past me (even this article if you decide to rewrite it). I can tell you have many different ideas and I think you'd make a bomb author if you realised your full potential, but for the time being I'm going to downvote this because I don't feel like you accomplished what you set out to do entirely as you could (and should) have.
-1
There are roads,
a samurai must travel…
There was an original version of Level 330, which was being written by a user named “Gominho”. Basically, their version was a series of indoor pools, with various areas (named “stations”) named after dwarf planets.
interesting concept bogged down by 2020 nothingburger execution.
-1
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