Library
Wiki
Wow, it looks like I've finally created a page! This is the first page featuring the character known as "Oswald", so there's more to come for his story. Big thanks to NavyEOD_24 for the greenlight, hope this can impress you.
To those who are confused as to who Oswald is, I'd suggest you take a closer look at the poems. :)
A unique concept, I liked the idea of poems (or any other object or phenomenon) having the ability of precognition. Though there are some existing redundancies that you might've missed in my earlier critique, and many concepts are left alone; not expanded upon. I would've wished to see more.
To add on, there are grammatical issues with this text as well. For example "most often having a chance of foretell future events." should be changed to "most often having a chance to foretell future events". Have you made sure that you've applied all of the suggestions provided by me and the person who greenlit this? I'm close to staying neutral but I'm going to have to downvote this, sorry. The issues that I've mentioned are still present, and there has been little to no improvement since the feedback that I gave you. The bridges of the concept feel too loose, and the grammar needs some improvising. It doesn't meet my criteria for an upvote. There are many sections that hasn't been elaborated upon, it still feels underdeveloped…
/FoodPieIntegration
I'm in school when greenlighting and writing this, and I had assumed that Pin had already applied these changes (because I saw the enormous critique you made). I'll have Pin make sure every change on your crit was made.
Absolute secrecy must be upheld by any means necessary ~ The Vault
In this article, no. But please do, that would be highly appreciated. I will change this to an upvote when the main issues are fixed. Thank you.
PPs
Where there is a choice of two evils, I choose both.
Barring the SPaG and flow mistakes this object contains (which are plentiful by the way, please reread this — some of these are glaringly obvious), I don't feel quite moved by the progression of this story.
Do I like the idea? Of course, poetry is a soft spot of mine, and the emotions you try to elicit here (remembrance, love, longing) are also ones I identify with. Do I feel like you wrote an article befitting of an upvote? No. For starters, the poems here are weak, lacking in substance, somewhat corny, and on a less polite note, lame. They all feel like filler for you to get to the last line, and most of the time, they are nonsensical and unsatisfying to read due to the fact that they don't exactly 'go' anywhere, don't explore a feeling, jump from topic to topic — there isn't really any theme despite their names. The journey is ignored here in favour of the destination, and the destination feels unfulfilling because the journey is not all there.
I'll ignore the poems however. Maybe you wanted to add a poetic flair to your article but you're not as experienced in that as other people — fair enough, I am not much good at writing poetry either though I still enjoy analyzing it. I will however focus on the concept here, which, to be frank, is weak. Poetry generating USB drive, good idea! Part of it seems a bit bitter: it's sticking to you, hurting you when it touches you, and it resists things that it doesn't want. Great symbolism! You've built up the potential for writing a story about toxicity in relationships between two people — something which you also hint at in the after-poem dialogue itself… and then you go ahead and just not work on this symbolism. Instead, you resort to old reliable 0-substance kill you creature, which consequentially ruins the built-up potential for a good article due to the fact that now you have to end each article with a corny one-liner that signifies death.
I'm not saying this idea couldn't have worked, but if you wanted it to, you could've integrated it better into the poems, had a common theme, and had it be things other than death. I mean, even logically this article raises questions; why is the M.E.G. sending people to their doom with this thing if they know it will kill people. Fifty four people is not just a statistic, it's a number. From your side, making the effects not always death would also give a reason for people to continue testing this thing despite the losses of equipment and whatnot. Had these questions been asked during the conceptual process, these issues could have been avoided, but instead we're getting the M.E.G. at their weakest here, where they're essentially another SCP foundation bureaucracy with D-class citizens at their disposal.
Lastly, the story here is unclear to me. I can't understand what is happening in the texts, can't piece together the story that you're trying to tell, and generally, I'm left wanting more context. You don't need to have a story that stands on its own in an article, but you most definitely have to make the article itself stand on its own. Without context or enticement, I can't care about the character/s because I don't know them — and that's not something you want as an author. You want us readers to feel connected to your article, to understand your characters, to want to see more of them — but as it is, I couldn't care less about them because you haven't taken the time to build that connection between us and them.1 Even the last comment by Stretch seems lacking in substance because of this. Because we don't know exactly who Oswald is, it just seems heavy-handed in its delivery. It would've had more of an impact if the article had more characterization given to Oswald, but we don't get that unfortunately.
I'm not up to date with what exactly you've got planned for this 'broken truce' canon, but just because I'm in the dark about it doesn't mean that the progressive content I should be getting has to be of this quality. If you serve your customers half-baked goods because you're promising an even better main course, then you shouldn't be surprised when your customers just up and leave without giving it another chance.
-1
There are roads,
a samurai must travel…
Was considering writing a bunch of paragraphs to respond to this but it’d be largely redundant. I agree with everything said here; I’m not even fully happy with the finished product myself. It feels like a it’s a painting with a pure gold frame but the illustration itself has been scribbled over by a two year old. I will rewrite it in the near future, I will do better.
You're always welcome to retire this and pass the draft by me, you know where to contact me. You can do better and you should always strive to do so.
There are roads,
a samurai must travel…
