Let’s try again(Level Critique/Greenlight)
http://backrooms-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/yourweirdplant5
An old level, refurnished. Well, at least the last page.
~🌱
Let’s try again(Level Critique/Greenlight)
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» Writing Help / Help: Draft Critique
» Let’s try again(Level Critique/Greenlight)
Summary:
Level Critique plz
Crit below
"Your original text"
My modifications"than level’s 9 darkness"
Make sure to link Level 9 and capitalize it as well.
than [[[Level 9]]]'s darkness"Once spawned in,"
This sounds too video-gamey
Once arriving,"and, “It’s like 500 people are judging me at once.”
This is too sudden and needs a transition.
and have stated that, "It's like"with the photo."
Too abrupt
with the photo provided."Find an"
"An" is not the proper spelling, as there is no vowel present. Change "an" to "a"
"as staying for 1 hour makes you go insane."
I personally would remove this part. People don't like the mentions of insanity anymore as it's just baseless and holds no ground against everything else here. Doesn't help that it's been overused so much to the point of the Wikidot hating mentions of it.
"have a 1% chance"
While the M.E.G. is large, this calculation would be ridiculous. Say "a very low chance"
"extremely glitched"
What is "extremely glitched?" Specify this further.
"a Mangled’s fog"
What is a "mangled's" fog?
"Level 9 with your mind"
Level 9, with your mind"ERROR,"
ERROR:"This File"
This file"with this file."
Repetitive
with this document"to our staff who can"
to our staff, who can"classified the following Level XX file due"
classified the contents of Level ## due to", and to prevent any more casualties"
This isn't needed.
"to fight off this level."
This sounds too U.E.C.
to figure out the level's effects."past, isn’t it"
past, didn't you?"But I…I rise"
But I… I rise"Fog"
You have every other instance of fog lowercase. Why is this one uppercase?
"we came. Knowing, that"
Combine these sentences
we came, knowing thatOverall thoughts:
Honestly was a really good read. Fix this up and come back to the forum.
Absolute secrecy must be upheld by any means necessary ~ The Vault
All right, I fixed it all. Thanks! I also replaced the theme in the third page because of how dark it was. Do I just repost this or?
~🌱
Nope, just PM me if I don't reply in a few hours. I check the forums regularly, so if I don't reply in 4 or more hours PM me. I'll take a look now!
Absolute secrecy must be upheld by any means necessary ~ The Vault
Oh yea, I forgot to say;
In the Mangled article, it says
These entities only appear when a Wanderer has been inside Level 9 for a few days. During these days the Wanderer would see large sections of fog randomly in Level 9.
So, that’s why I included them.
~🌱
Ah, I see! I never read The Mangled before now. In that case, make sure you link the article!
[[[entity-63|The Mangled]]]Absolute secrecy must be upheld by any means necessary ~ The Vault
Alright, here we go again.
Right now, what I would recommend is combining the black page and the last page with the MEG credentials. There is actually code you can use to put a collapsible in a collapsible, and I've placed it below for you.
[[collapsible show="Show text" hide="Hide text"]]
First collapsible text
[[include :scp-int:component:coltop show=Show text|hide=Hide text]]
Second collapsible text
[[include :scp-sandbox-3:component:collapsible-bottom]]
[[/collapsible]]Right now I am unfortunately quite busy, so I will have to crit this later. It's promising, so keep it up!
Absolute secrecy must be upheld by any means necessary ~ The Vault
Alright, so I remade a lot of stuff.
I fixed some coding, did your suggestion with the collapsible, and added new themes.
~🌱
Looks a lot better from the glance I took. I'll crit it later. Make sure to check my author page for my crit queue, since it's the easiest way for people restricted to the forums to know.
Absolute secrecy must be upheld by any means necessary ~ The Vault
/forum/t-14545102/lets-try-again-level-critique-greenlight#post-