Looking for a Greenlight request for my first article

Summary:

This will hopefully be greenlighted and will be added as level 145 if not already taken. If you have any critiques or questions I will be more than happy to answer and recive them completely.

Looking for a Greenlight request for my first article

Icicle Iguana 17 Feb 2022 04:30

[http://backrooms-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/icicle-iguana-2]

Last edited on 19 Feb 2022 00:28 by Icicle Iguana Show more

Re: Looking for a Greenlight request for my first article

YourWeirdPlant 22 Feb 2022 14:13

Good idea, still needs work. I’ll try to help you. () is what I’m highlighting, and [] is something I’m suggesting.
SPaG will have all of your mistakes fixed in a blockquote, just so you know. So, excuse me if it’s a little confusing or too long.

SPaG

Level 145 is the 146th level in the Backrooms, and is a massive metropolitan city that is always partially submerged. It is surrounded by mountains.

Level 145 is a partially underwater metropolitan city that is theorized to be from the 1980s.

…varying mixture of steel, copper(,) and aquamarine. The buildings are designed in the deconstructivism style

…unknown event(,) resulting in a massive rise in sea level.

…upper levels of skyscrapers, provided (that) they are structurally sound, are generally completely dry, can provide shelter, food, and clean drinking water.

Explorers can also navigate to [remove and from?] (other) buildings using collapsed buildings as impromptu walkways.

…from small(,) poorly made dinghies(,) to gargantuan tankers, can

…massive mountain range, standing at roughly 6,000 meters at peak elevation. Within the mountains are massive Neo-tropical forests, budding up with mangrove forests and waterfalls, alongside sheer cliff faces dotted with massive cave mouths, virtually all of which remain unexplored.

…prevalent area of the level is(,)of course(,) the ocean surrounding

For the next few, imma put it in one big paragraph.

While precise depths remain unknown, the furthest any individual has ever managed to go was 10,000 meters deep, before being killed by native entities. The ocean is home to several bizarre and unique bio topical environments, ranging from bioluminescent kelp forests with color changing coral reefs, to hydrothermal vents upwards of 30 meters high, massive spires of pure obsidian with amethyst, and basalt forests of petrified trees.

Wanderers who have become adept at scaling the cityscape and building/collecting weapons from across the various buildings will attack all explorers they find. So far, reports have gone from stealing all belongings and assault, to (r***)[I believe that breaks a rule], torture along with murdering those who resist. [We do not know their motives.]

…neon green birds ranging from the size of a raven, to over three meters tall with massive, silver jagged beaks, sentient fungi who use mycelium tendrils to dismember unsuspecting prey(,) and massive

…and (most) feared

…species of shark(,) most notably Viper Dogfish, Frilled Sharks(,) and Great White Sharks.

…the sand(,) waiting for smaller organisms to swim overhead(,) at which point they lunge towards them, stripping themselves of all flesh. To date(,) three…

The Next Three are gonna be a fix on your entities, in one paragraph for each.

(Down below are the most dangerous Skules)

Crushers

The largest of the three Skule variants, at over 12 meters, Crushers resemble that of the [extinct Dunkleosteus](for this to happen, you’ll have to make it so that there are many more variants of Skules.). They are heavily adorned in osteoderms and natural rock formations across the entire body. They possess twin skulls, a larger primary skull that has bone formations in place of teeth, and a smaller skull with several large serrated teeth. Crushers use their massive jaws to crush heavy armor and bones to tear prey apart. Despite their size, they are unintelligent, and are severely sluggish, relying on brute force to hunt down prey.

Rippers

At 8 meters long, Rippers resemble Frilled Sharks and Moray Eels with black slick skin, with a specialized protrusible jaws that allow them to separate their jaws from the skull to grab at prey, before performing a death roll tearing off large strips of flesh. Rippers communicate with bioluminescent organs, and can be distracted by bright flashes of light.

Slicers

At 5 meters long, Slicers are the smallest of the Skule species. They have uniquely flattened bodies similar to Skates and Stingrays, with long serrated Rostrums akin to a Sawtooth Shark. Slicers use their jaws similar to that of sword blades, slicing into soft-bodied organisms, dismembering them.

Alright, now we move on

…prey(,) instead taking the flesh into deep tunnel systems(,) but it remains unclear if they created these tunnels themselves(,) or if they were formed naturally.

…theorize that the Skule are a hive mind that follows the orders of an unseen Queen or King. Despite several explorers claiming to have seen the Queen Skule, no official reports or photographic evidence exists to confirm its existence.

…species of fish(,) and crustaceans.

…that glow a green tint(.) That green tint is not the result of bioluminescence(,) but rather massive amounts of radioactive material caused by a uranium skeleton. When threatened, they will use their massive size and strength to overpower other entities. [If threatened by Skules,] they will fire a beam of solid radiation from their mouth, earning them the name, “Fish-zilla”.

…personnel at a given time, had a complement of submersible vehicles, drones for exploration, maintenance and defense from native organisms. Despite a heavy scanning of drones, the facility was destroyed at an unknown date. Based on external damage, it is believed that either a horde of Skule or the Church of the Deep Ones were responsible for the facility's destruction.

The Sanctum of the Drowned is built above a cavern(,)which is believed by them to house the remains of the Deep Ones, Alureian deities worshiped by therm. The Sanctum is believed to hold over 2,000 occultists, alongside several dozen bioconstruct organisms, Alureian warships and submersibles. Despite the M.E.G and S.P.E.A.R. best efforts to overrun the sanctum, we have been warded off by its forces.

…found in Level 8, [remove by] swimming inside it will lead to level 145

…specific gap in an obsidian spire. When you enter it, you will go to Level 220.

To add Links, simply copy the page link, so: http://backrooms-wiki.wikidot.com/level-11, then place a |(this is not a L, but a vertical bar) along with what you want to name the link with. Then, put three brackets; [[[. For Example, The Endless City. Without the brackets, it would be http://backrooms-wiki.wikidot.com/level-11 | The Endless City

The second is found within the ruined framework of a skyscraper. That ruined framework will have a furnished basement. By descending its stairwell, it will cause the traveler to enter Level 71

And that’s all the SPaG I can see!

Critique

So, while this level does have a interesting idea, and is something of it’s kind, many things feel out of place.
For example, S.P.E.A.R.
Who are they? What do their letters mean? You didn’t have any words about them except their name, and it makes me curious. Add a paragraph about them in the Bases/Outposts section.
Another example would be The Sanctum.
You simply only have one paragraph on them, and a whole confusing lore part about them. I would love to hear more about their lore, such as books, lost pages, letters, stuff like that. Also, the Church of the Deep Ones definitely sounds intriguing.
So, you have a good idea, but you did it with poor execution.
If you can fix that execution, I think it has a chance to become a official level.

Overall Rating

1 is low, 10 is high.
Idea: 8
Execution: 1
Entities: 7
Creepiness: 3, because of the Deep Ones
Official Sounding: 6. The construction words and shark species shows that you spent a lot of time putting research onto this. However, the lack of commas, periods, and grammar mistakes take that away.
Potential: 10. Keep working on it!
Overall: 6.

〰️🌱

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~🌱

Last edited on 22 Feb 2022 17:19 by YourWeirdPlant Show more

Re: Looking for a Greenlight request for my first article

Icicle Iguana 25 Feb 2022 00:06

Thanks for the reply. S.P.E.A.R. is a United Nations controlled organization designed to control the Backrooms (Think the SCP Foundation or Men in Black but smaller but advanced in technology). The Santcum is a part of a Lost Empire that I plan to create in the future.