Author post
Hi I’m back from hiatus with a thing haha
I went full balls to the wall with a rewrite of the Dark Metro I hope you enjoy it hwuhwuh
Probably my longest article at 9000+ words
Thanks to Navy and Hylius for the crit
Level 904 - "The Dark Metro" / Discussion
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ughhhhh this took FOREVER to crit
Loved the article! Definitely deserves the place of the old one
Absolute secrecy must be upheld by any means necessary ~ The Vault
Best rewrite I've ever seen.
Say, what happens to those who are captured or are in the train?
They make them a ritual to become one of the inhabitants. It is unknown what exactly happens in said ritual.
In terms of improvement from the original article, this is the best rewrite yet! The original version SUCKED while this is absolutely awesome! Definetly an upvote.
"Frigid"
"30F-50F"
That's shorts weather
-Hubris
Nah, 30F to 50F is sweater weather.
60-70 is shorts.
~🌱
The read was thoroughly enjoyable. I enjoyed the simplicity of the article - it's a murder monster, but one that's done in a really interesting way, unlike most of the older entries or its previous iteration.
With this said, there's one big issue throughout the article that I think should be pointed out, and that's flow-related mistakes. The way some things are described is confusing as a first time reader - for example, Galena. Had I gotten, at the minimum, an indication of who Galena was before the interview (I had to work on assumption), it would've helped me more. The way some information is presented is also weird, particularly relating to the living entities in the level. Rather than it being concentrated in one part, the information is spread across multiple large parts, and it does get disorienting sometimes (an example of this would be the explanation that there are three entities, but then only mentioning two things - readers don't know the shadows are two people at that point!!!). There's also some SPaG mistakes which, whilst not so noticeable, could have been corrected by reading it more thoroughly (though I don't blame you for this - I find mistakes in my articles to this day)
From a storytelling standpoint, the only real big issues I could find were that the means are a liiiitttle bit silly, almost comical in a way. There's also the fact that the latin is translated in in one log but not in the other, which was a bit strange imo. The logs are also a bit… odd. The way they describe things is a tad bit disorienting, but I'm placing the blame here on the surreal and hard to describe situations here rather than a lack of writing on your part.
I digress however. I'm naming just the negatives here, without mentioning the positives - which are delightfully abundant, may I say. The atmosphere you build during the description is immaculate, and it sets the mood which you're going for perfectly. I'm particularly enthralled by the sheer presence the Dark Metro has in this article. The image with just 'It.' as a caption is so powerful, it made me shudder when I read through it for the first time. The way it's described as 'alive' near the end is also a bit of a spin on what I'd envisioned it to be prior to reading, and the way that people inside seem to see it differently is also pretty cool.
Overall, there's some small parts of this article that detract from its enjoyment (which I know you can fix if you revisit this a bit), but the atmosphere more than makes up for them. This was thoroughly enjoyable and had me at the edge of my seats the whole time.
+1
P.S: It's Tomas Verne not Thomas!!! Cheeky!!!
There are roads,
a samurai must travel…
Wow once again you are really my favorite author in this wiki .The concept is interesting,well written and we'll made.
I feel the first paragraph is way too heavy-handed in delivering a connection that almost anyone could make on their own. Because of this, it fails to retain my attention.
If you can’t read more than a paragraph of exposition without losing focus then I don’t know what to tell you lol
/forum/t-14481543/level-904-the-dark-metro#post-