Although none of the machines inside are functional, careful examination by members of the M.E.G. has suggested that they were used for the creation and alteration of biological organisms, as well as the manufacture of various organic products.
I personally dislike how this information is presented. From an in-universe standpoint, there’s a lack of vital descriptive detail: what do these machines even look like? How does the MEG piece together that their purpose is to create/modify organisms/organic products? What aspects of the machinery’s physical appearance convey this information?
From an OOC perspective, there’s not enough information to build anything but a vague image of how the interior of the factory looks. This description relies far too much on the reader constructing their own interpretation of the factory’s interior – which is not an inherently bad approach, but they should be given at least something to go off of.
A good example that comes to mind is how Mordor is described throughout the Lord of the Rings (which I haven’t read in a while, but I trust memory will serve me right). The few concrete descriptions tend to be reserved for creatures, while the characteristics of most locations and buildings are indirectly alluded to in order to let the reader put them together. I remember the Towers of the Teeth and Minas Morgul/Ithil being a particularly great example:
"A long-tilted valley, a deep gulf of shadow, ran back far into the mountains. Upon the further side, some way within the valley's arms, high on a rocky seat upon Ephel Dúath, stood the walls and towers of Minas Morgul. All was dark about it, earth and sky, but it was lit with light. Not the light welling through the marble walls of Minas Ithil long ago, fair and radiant in the hollow of the hills. Paler indeed than the moon ailing in some slow eclipse was the light of it now, wavering and blowing like a noisome exhalation of decay, a corpse-light, a light that illuminated nothing."
Obviously you don’t need to make it as elaborate and evocative, but I see it as the gold standard for environmental description.
All attempts by the M.E.G. to repair portions of the factory have failed, so its exact purpose is unknown.
This line is confusing to me – how can the MEG not know what its purpose is, when they know that the purpose of the machines is to create organisms/organic products? I gather that it’s referring to the specific purpose that they were ultimately used for, but I’m not sure. I suggest rewording to make it clearer.
However, due to the factory's existence and various documents found within, it is believed that there may have been settlements on this level in the past.
Returning to my earlier point: what kind of document is this line referring to? Official ones? Supply manifestos? Internal memos? Personal diaries? This piece of information, which is vital in building an image of the history and atmosphere behind the visual aspects of the Level.
I know it’s not the point of the article to do so, but rather to support a present-time narrative, but it is still necessary to give the reader context. Information that seems tangential or irrelevant to the narrative can still be most important in making a believable world.
Materials:
Again – I understand it’s not the point of the article to get lost in specifics, but the way these requests are phrased is distressingly ambiguous and not believable for a group that is apparently struggling with resources. Even random numbers within reasonable quantities would be better suited than vague descriptors like “a large amount”.
Issues of this sort betray a lack of effort in important technical aspects of writing – which is common for most writers, but is generally masked for presentation.
Various technologies produced by[…]
“Technologies” is an abstract rather than material term. When you talk about “technologies”, you’re most likely referring to information that in turn contains particular devices or techniques, arbitrarily grouped together. I suggest instead asking for design documents, blueprints or prototypes.
Using notes from previous BR expeditions to the level and additional research, we will determine exactly how the factory's technology functions.
I don’t understand how they plan to succeed where past attempts to do the same have failed. An important component of project proposals IRL is to clearly outline a plan to achieve primary objectives – in other words, how is just as important as what. This applies for all the steps: they should have a minimum of detail as to how they are being accomplished.
Proposal Accepted.
Not even given a deadline?
On July 24th, 2019, 12 out of the 13 APBWs that were working on a broken section of the 9-11 Monorail near Michael Station suddenly collapsed. They were later pronounced dead from cardiac arrest. Similar events have been reported from various other BR construction sites, and at this time, it is theorized by the M.E.G. that this occurred due to an accidental triggering of the APBW "off switches" by BR. Inquiries will be sent to BR shortly.
This raises some questions as to the perspective that this article is supposed to be written from in-universe. Is this a BR document, a MEG document, or a common file? The BR hub strongly implies that the BR and MEG are absolutely not collaborating, so the way a MEG log is unceremoniously dropped in the middle of what appears to be a BR file is just confusing.
I gather that the implication is that the MEG is taking part in slave trade under the table, but the significance is lost to anyone without beforehand knowledge of the universe: this reveal could be incorporated more subtly into the narrative and preemptively characterized as something shady or questionable through the use of an unreliable narrator (i.e. BR being excited of getting a deal with the MEG despite their usual posture toward their operations).
The final level format barely has any changes or additions to the one at the top of the page. It’s mostly repeated content that’s uninteresting to read – I suggest at the very least highlighting the changes in color or with underlining to make them stand out.