Yes we did a whole canon for goicon
Upvote this you baboons
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We have published an entire Canon for GoIcon 2021. We did it first. Lol
So upvote it to be cool. B)
We've come so far folks. Couldn't be prouder of the Un!Masked team for their contributions to this canon. Amazing work everyone!! +1
i'm just going to start critting this canon and as i go i'll make edits to this post. please excuse the informality
as this is a lengthy series, i'm going to read individually and give my own thoughts/lbl, then i'll head back and give a plot critique for the overarching series.
IMPORTANT: before moving forward, i would like to note i am not perfect. it is entirely possible and even plausible that i perhaps missed something. for this reason, i'd prefer to give a plot summary so that if i missed an important bit, i can be corrected as such. however, i don't wish to spoil the story. for this reason, any spoilers will be tagged with blue text, like this one!
series; general thoughts when going along
snake crawls 1:
lbl:
The alarm clock was as blaringly loud as ever.
blaringly is not a word.
I forced myself out of bed and I took a peek out the window.
blocky
Can't tell from the sky, since it is always daytime.
is there a reason why the narrator said this in their head? it'd be better if they cursed that fact rather then spoonfed it to the reader.
I then walked down to my kitchen.
to linear. people don't think like this
There wasn't any food left for me; I must've finished it all.
these two separate points can be condensed into a single one. something like "damn i ate all the food #Lol" (without the sarcasm)
Disappointed, I walked out of my apartment and travelled down the stairway to the reception room at the entrance.
there's the issue. when i do my in-depth crit i'll come back to why this sentence (and the rest of the article) reads so poorly.
pink div
why is this conversation written as a log over a novel approach? in fact, skimming ahead, it appears this is consistent. i do think it is innovative to take the approach that the speaker hears all conversations as a log, and perhaps it'll fit the character later on, but as of now, i am going to say the approach, even in that manner, is done poorly. in fact, i think i'll add that to the generalized section.
Don't wanna die of starvation you know?
need a pause in this sentence.
People should rely on themselves, not some higher-up monopoly that tells you when you're able to eat.
mo…nopoly? that's an odd choice of word. is the backrooms/meg an industry in this canon? if so, interesting, ignore this, but if not (i'd assume so based on how it reads) then that wouldn't work.
I had heard the M.E.G. had left a few gifts in those rooms and replaced it every few days.
lot's of "hearing" going on here it in this paragraph. i don't like it. also, this has tense issues
the mono-yellow park
the title of this piece throws me off because how in any way is this a mono-yellow park? a stroll implies a mono-yellow path, not park. is there toys, perhaps?
It was nice to take a small break; my legs were killing me, and you'd be surprised to know how hard the carpeted floor is.
who exactly is the "you" in this sentence.
pink div two
it's just useless. what does this interaction do and why is it included?
"This is idea is burning with inspiration — over a hundred degrees Celsius!"
…what?
"Oops! Sorry friend I think I left the oven running! AHHAHAHA!"
once more with the pauses.
It was talking to me. My life already sucked… I had to put it on.
Now, let's hear what it has to say… For its side of the story…
this all happens much to fast. it is crucial that you pace the twist of your story effectively and in this part you effectively brushed the climax over.
i was so bored at this point i just skimmed. not much improvement in my opinion
generalized:
a: tone and perspective alongside its relation to tenses
your tone here does not do well with the tense you wish to convey your story in. it is evident this is some sort of "retelling", but the way you word your sentences does not reflect this one bit. either it feels purely as though it is happening in the past (this is different from retelling, recalling requires you to forget some details and remember perspective rather then simply linear progression. as of now this reads more like a chronicle) or just… feels like its happening at the moment. your perspective isn't terribly interesting either. the speaker just… does shit. they don't notice details in their surroundings, second-guess themselves, or does much of anything except what others tell them to do. it's like a block being pushed by an omniscient being known as coincidence.
b: the progression of time and its importance to character development // how to pass time effectively within a tale through retelling perspective
i don't like time in this tale. a moment is stretched to many words (oftentimes one that is hardly any bit important), then a day passes in a line. what happened in that day? speak of the lethargy the speaker goes through, talk of the fazing of the walls and the carpal tunnel developing in their legs, don't just let time exist, time is a tool which must be controlled when writing.
c: the problem with div communication
it's evident that this series wanted to make itself distinct from a standard picture prose tale. this isn't a bad thing, as unique formatting is always interesting and can help when justified. however, here, it almost felt lazy. it was a good way to prevent acting out characterization and justifying events occurring. by not including any contextual info (character motions/expressions, environment changes, sounds, etc.), it's much easier to sum everything up to coincidence. this, however, comes with the consequence of being insanely boring. i think it works, with the speaker being a meg worker and shit. however, this isn't the way to do it. i propose you instead to format it like this.
Begin Log: whatever the time is, add a date if possible
Interviewer: blah blah
Interviewee: you know what these are
blah: blah blah blah
(blah does something involving bleh).
bleh: bleh bleh
End Log: the time
additionally, if you choose to continue this format, it is imperative that for all dialogue you stick to it, lest you wish for it to not make sense. there are a few parts where you add dialogue outside the divs, breaking the precedent you set, making it not make sense in the first place. either stick to it or don't, going in between makes the purpose of it negligent.
conceptual
spoilers (Plot summary: Kyra, the speaker, after having trouble making it on Level 11 due to a lack of rations, goes to Level 0 in search of provisions. After wandering for multiple days, she rest in the Manila Room before being attacked by a masked persona. After running for an extensive period of time in no known direction, the speaker stumbles upon a mask which speaks to her. After putting it on, she reunites with "The Masked Maidens" and gets coerced into heading to their home.)
speaking conceptually, this storyline is incredibly linear. no real challenge is faced here beyond…. a ton of wandering in the middle summarized into about 5 lines. the rising action doesn't really lead into encountering the Masked Maidens at all, it feels to coincidental. a better usage of foreshadowing could be better here, as you could take out all the wandering and still have the same story. additionally, stumbling upon the mask should not happen in 2 lines. additionally, try to make your story less linear. they shouldn't just "get" there, there should be some semblance of struggle present.
oh god I'm terrified /hj
Can't wait for the other two POI's! I wonder who is writing them! This should have more upvotes, maybe when their current WIP levels and POI's are done the masked maidens will get the attention they deserve!
I'm justice!…What?…No not the blind folded girl!
The level has already been written for, but it's not the doll house level. Maybe a new number?
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