One poster of the human genome, damaged by fire but partly readable.
There should be a comma after fire. I would also argue that these
probably should’ve been in bullets, but that’s not really an issue, more just a small nitpick.
One computer terminal capable of booting to an OS prompt, sent to Base Beta for repair and information recovery.
This is technically a comma splice and there should’ve been a conjunction word.
It is made of concrete with a steel door, the latter warped to the point its locking mechanism no longer functions.
A word like ‘that’ or ‘where’ should’ve been put after “point”
I gave you this Level as a gift - I even broke the locks for you!
That hyphen should be a dash, or two hyphens next to each other to form this: —
Hyphens are used to connect words or as a placeholder for incomplete words in dialogue, such as when a character is stuttering.
Dashes are used to separate parenthetical phrases, and in this case, a dash is what you’re looking for.
Concept:
The concept here was pretty good. I enjoyed the idea of an abandoned factory quite a bit. I also like the intrigue and mystery that something spooky occurred here that we don’t know about.
Execution:
The execution of this idea left a little to be desired. First off, I wish the description would’ve been a lot longer. It was only like two or three sentences, with most of the page focusing on the weird things they found inside of it. I would’ve loved a much longer description to get a better view of the setting in my mind, rather than just the vague, Chernobyl-esque broken factory I’m imagining. Articles shouldn’t rely on images to describe the setting in detail.
I also think you could’ve done a bit of a better job linking to other pages. A lot of the time things were mentioned that typically should’ve been linked, but I didn’t catch any linked articles beyond the UEC and the entrances and exits. This is a relatively minor nitpick, but it’s more major for newer readers who may be slightly confused on what you’re talking about in certain parts.
The general writing of this was also pretty good. It was a perfect balance between clinical and casual tone: not too much of one of the other. I think this style of writing should be more heavily utilized on this wiki, as most articles I find are too much of one or the other, so huge props for finding a perfect balance. I also like Vivian’s (I’m assuming that’s who that is) part at the end. It did confuse me slightly though exactly whose perspective this was from. I went in thinking the UEC, but I am still relatively unsure. I do also think you could’ve made the UEC a bit more relevant to the article, rather than briefly mentioning them once.
The formatting of this was also alright. As I pointed out in the SPaG part, I do personally think that the whole section describing the weird things that were found in the factory should’ve probably been in bullets. I also would’ve utilized div boxes for the ending parts such as Vivian’s letter, and the archived error messages.
Did I enjoy reading this?
Yes, I did. I just wish I could’ve had more.
Final verdict:
If this wasn’t for goicon, I likely would’ve no-voted this, but since it’s for a contest and I don’t really no-vote contest entries, I will give this a tentative upvote.
