Sniped :p
Good stuff 👍
+1
(ARCHIVED) Level 466 - "Firelit Longing" / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page (ARCHIVED) Level 466 - "Firelit Longing".
This isn’t bad, but it's a little too similar to a standard Level, which is a pity.
I do appreciate the more subtle cues, like the use of the term "settlements", and the mention of the Homelanders. It pushes the fact that this wasn't written by the M.E.G. or M.E.G. sympathetic groups. It's possible to go the 'insidious evil' route, of course, but I would personally have preferred a more obvious difference in tone. I would have liked to see a more forceful approach on entity extermination (you could even retain some subtlety by having them be very casual about this extermination). You don't mention the use of light guides as an issue, as with the hound meat, so it's not clear exactly what "entity use" is considered taboo.
SPaG could also be improved, which hampers the immersion a little. There are quite a few comma splices, often occurring in conjunction with improper use of the term 'however'. You should also be more mindful of your singulars and plurals — refer to one element either by the singular or the plural, and not both at once.
I appreciate the bit about Lantern Town and the effects of UEC occupation on the inhabitants. But I was really hoping for a bigger glimpse, with something a bit more insightful about the UEC’s philosophy. Perhaps an interview log with citizens of Lantern Town acting as propaganda, or something like that. Speaking of which — the Level's entire setting feels intriguing, but it's just not quite immersive enough for me to catch a distinct vibe from it. Would have appreciated a couple more pics of the dusky environment. Anyway, as I was saying, I was anticipating quite a bit more about Lantern Town specifically too. I hope that it can get its own article.
There are a couple logic gaps as well, though nothing too major. The SD class feels too low. The plains carry a significant threat, the woods carry a major threat, and even the lakes carry a bit of a threat with the hallucinations. I'd place this at Class 2 at least, if I were you. Firelights are also similar in appearance to Light Guides too — I'm surprised you didn't mention it (though I can't blame the fact that you probably just weren't aware of this entity's existence). All the same, the similarities are striking, and I would have liked to see the similarities mentioned, a warning of their opposite natures, and a way to tell them apart.
Level 466 is one of our oldest claims, and many of its resources have been used to help create harnessed to build further settlements elsewhere.
The weather is constantly overcast, with no changes ever being documented since over a full 20 years of human habitationfor over 20 years. Level 466 has contains a variety of biomes;, including grassy plains, small forests of trees, and lakes. These biomes all each come with their own, unique risks.
(Do note the punctuation changes as well!)
They consist of flat terrain with overgrown wild grass of an unknown species, and the level’s one unique entity, — the Firelights [Bold the first mention of this important term]. This biome also contains spider-like dirt path formations, although it is not known how these paths are sustained without frequent use is unknown.
Level 466’s unique entity, Firelights, appear at first to be Frontroom fireflies, however,. Closer inspection has revealed that they are actually nothing but points of physical light. Firelights claim plains as their territory and will attempt to consume any person or entity crossing the plains. This consumption process is currently poorly understood. However, basic details are listed here:
Forests are much smaller than any other biome, however, but they are easily the most dangerous.
These biomes tend to be the smallest of all biomes, with one notable exception: a large, approximately 100 meter squared forest which lies right next to our settlement, Lantern Town. Rest assured, the Homeland Defense Force is sure doing their utmost to keep residents — such as you or your loved ones — safe from any and all stray Hounds.
These shallow, small lakes have contain no entities
It is theorized that due to the algae using much of drains the lake's oxygen in the lakes, such that entities cannot survive in the water. However, this theory , though this has not been confirmed. One more Another notable element about of the lakes is their unique hallucinatory effects. When a person looks at the horizon across the a lake, they will perceive some kind of the skyline of a town of some kind, along with bright lights indicating life within this hypothetical town. Many people, upon viewing these hallucinations, claim that these towns contain their loved ones. and many attempts Many attempt to swim across to reach these 'loved ones'. We are to remind you that the hallucinatory towns are not real., and it is not advisedColonists are strongly advised NOT [actually bold that 'not'] to attempt to swim across lakes in order to reach them. Lakes tend to be shockingly cold, and the shock swimming can be cause fatal hypothermia.
(I must say, the sentence "However, this theory has not been confirmed" is a pet peeve of mine on the wiki… I really hate it.)
Half of the settlements are town is built upon the sandy beaches of the Lake's coast, and the other half lives has been contructed above the lake, on floating wooden structures platforms. The town’s residents spend their time cutting down and processing lumber, harvesting molds and previously mentioned the aforementioned algae that grow upon their settlements, and as well as traveling and documenting the areas around them.
It is also notable noted that the civilians use the entities around them as for food or utility, as the meat from Hounds is dried into jerky, and Firelights are used as light sources, fed with the mentioned hound meat.
Despite their use of entities, Lantern Town has been welcomed into our ranks as a colony, and we have begun the phasing out the consumption of hounds as a food source. The residents are happy for this change; it many required a heavy mind great strength of will to eat something so similar in appearance to actual human beings humans for many.
The two entrances to Lantern Town are either a ferry from across the lake, and or a path through the aforementioned path through the forest. You’ll need Travellers should carry proper identification. of course, however any Unauthorized people travellers are still allowed to attempt to take the forest path. Of course, they’ll but will be stripped of all weapons illegal items upon entry, so as not to risk the lives of our civilians.
This exit is one-way.
Overall, a pretty standard Level. Interesting to see some subtle differences with the UEC, but there really could have been stronger distinct UEC features, better immersiveness, and more development of ideas.
My Personal rating
Content breadth: 7/10
Logic & idea development: 5/10
Structure & organization: 8/10
Tone & immersion: 7/10
SPaG: 6/10
Total score: 33/50
Can't really give professional comment or review.
it's sounds decent, i don't really have strong opinion on this.
oh also. no rating. i guess..
Why is this in Comic Sans, and why does the page title call it a tofu recipe?
"Rest assured, the Homeland Defense Force is sure to keep you safe from any and all stray Hounds."
Don't Let This Part Fool You Because The U.E.C. Is A Hostile Group And Shouldn't Be Approached. Plus, Their Homeland Defense Force Will Hurt You Before They Hurt The Stray Hounds.
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