-1

You put it better than I could have myself.

bishops with corporeals

Is this a SPaG error? I think it should be “corporals”…
(let me confusious when i translate its so I ask it)

The log itself is dry compared to the original. Most of the subtlety I mentioned earlier is gone, the dialogue is boring and generic, and has a bad case of what I call “lore dump log syndrome” where the log serves no purpose except to elaborate strictly and solely on previously mentioned elements without introducing new things or displaying any subtlety at all, and the dialogue in these logs is typically pretty bad too — this one is no exception. While the original log was extremely intriguing, realistic, insightful, and subtle in a genius way, this throws all of that to the wayside and is incredibly boring to read. The crown jewel, being the voice log, is also gone. I understand the original couldn’t be used for obvious reasons, but it is very upsetting to see that go.

Last but not least, the pantheon stuff is totally shoehorned in and physically made me groan when I saw it. It does not belong in this article at all and should be something left for a later tale. Especially the god guy at the end. It shifts focus away from the game master herself completely, ruins the flow and tone, and is jammed in there to the detriment of the article (not even mentioning how difficult it is to read the note with that color background).

Overall, this article lacks the subtle unsettling details which made it so good originally, the unique concepts have been nerfed, ignored, or destroyed by the poor execution, the log is poorly executed and feels far less polished and charming than the original, and the pantheon stuff is uselessly shoehorned in and completely ruins the entire article.

Tips to work on for the future:

• Show don’t tell! Subtlety imply certain features. Horror is all about mystery. In the words of Stephen king, ‘Once the monster behind the door is revealed, it immediately becomes underwhelming.’ (Paraphrasing here from his essay about horror). Never reveal all the horrifying details, but imply them. Leave things up to the interpretation of the reader, and allow personal ideas and theories to form. That’s what makes your article interesting.
• Work on adding more to logs. If your log serves 0 purpose but to prove solely things that were previously stated, then it should not be included. Add new concepts to the log not mentioned in the main content, and do what I mentioned in point one and leave things up to interpretation. For example, my logs in 129 and first 2 in sh4dy gr3y are horrible because they serve no purpose but to elaborate on previously mentioned concepts without introducing anything new. I learned overtime this was a poor method of execution, and now in articles like the dark metro I spent more time elaborating on stuff I didn’t mention in the article, and left a lot up to reader interpretation for horror and subtlety.
• Try to keep major articles like this mostly canon neutral, and save the canon stuff for tales or supplementary articles. I can’t make it any clearer how much the pantheon stuff does not belong in this article. While you can employ various headcanon concepts, making an article be so loyal to a certain canon restricts me from using it in other canons or writing tales on it without making it also for the pantheon. A good article is a focused one.

Almost all Game Master lore (before this rewrite) was written such that the Game Master killed its victims. I don’t think this one is any different.

actually I dislike the Pantheon itself, but really love the Pantheon part in the gamemaster.

get my upvote

Nice to see everyone on board with +1's. You deserve it!

"It is easier to burn a house down than to build one."

Downvotes are downers. Take care, my friend.

Fantastic rewrite :3