Now presenting…
Lute's Backtober Collection
Featuring…
Century's Lute!
The crowd cheers and whoops as Lute enters onstage. She bows and curtsies to the spectators as they throw doritos at her.
And…
Mackey!
Lute produces a fishbowl out of her mouth. Inside, swims a bright silver mackerel with blue markings on its back. An Irish flag is taped to its fins.
The crowd goes wild.
LUTE
Yes, thank you, (bows) thank you (bows harder).
The water in the fishbowl swirls unevenly.
LUTE
Ludos and gentlomos and blurbos of all ages, today we have gathered here to celebrate the 0.0833334 year anniversary of New Century Gallery. As you know, this is a terribly monumental occasion, if you will, Mackey–
MACKEY
(Mackey does not speak because he is a fish.)
LUTE
–That's right, my blurbo: Lute has graciously decided to grace the site with her Backtober Collection1! Now, anyone with a New Century membership can purchase the complete collection2 signed by Lute herself.
Everyone is pleased.
LUTE
Unfortunately, the rest of you peasants who have not a kind soul within you to fund Lute's daily milk tea consumption3shall be limited to the Peasant Edition4 instead. Shame on you.
The crowd mhms in agreement.
LUTE
(sighs) You know, it could be hard keeping up my diet sometimes, especially as a professional 4-chan /x/ board fanfic writer, which is why today's sponsor, HelloFresh–
The projector screen behind her collapses open onto the stage.
LUTE
–Wait, I'm not finished with the sponsor segment yet–
MACKEY
Too late, Lute.
LUTE
Wha – wait Mackey, you can talk?
MACKEY
Yes, I've always known how to talk. And your time has come. You've reached the word count limit for this art page.
LUTE
Wait no! But I still have so much things to say!
MACKEY
Too bad. (Mackey raises his Irish flag proudly as a bald eagle or whatever the Irish equivalent is screeches in the background) Nothing personal, Lute. (He stabs Lute with the edge of the flag. Lute falls to the ground, spasming.)
After twelve minutes, she ceases life functions.
MACKEY
Um, anyways. (He leaps out of his tank, floundering forward. After trailing a long puddle of fishwater all over the stage, he finally reached the projector.)
MACKEY
(fiddling) Alright, onto the artwork.
Rad images flash on screen as Lute's dead body lies in the foreground.
(Caption: Day 1, Levels. A minimalistic depiction of the original nine.)
(Caption: Day 2, Objects. An instance of Object 7, "Memory Jars".)
(Caption: Day 4, Entities. An instance of Entity 46, "Lucky Cranes".)
MACKEY
—Huh?
The auditorium is silent.
MACKEY
Oh…huh. It appears that that's all Lute's got stored in her projector.
Nobody makes a peep. After a moment, Mackey flips over to his other side, making a wet thwack sound.
MACKEY
Well um guys. This is awkward. It appears that Lute may have never fini— (There is distant commotion outside the auditorium.) —got through with her, um.
MACKEY
…Anyways, we could just pretend that since this is all Lute's got stuffed in her projec— (Indiscernible noises continue outside, just backstage. They appear to somewhat resemble the repeated shrill calls of a dying kiwi.) — projector, gosh, fins make tech hard to handle. But anyways, like I was saying —
MACKEY
…Ok, what in the ever-loving fin is going on outside? (The mackerel flaps around back and forth.)
There is only the sound of his drying scales against the stage.
MACKEY
…Ok! As I was saying—
A herd of Lutes emerges from behind the projector and proceed to stampede Mackey to death.
LUTE
We got him, blurbos!
OTHER LUTE
LMAO :>
ANOTHER LUTE
He got saltwater in our projector—
AND ANOTHER LUTE
Oh ew.
NEXT TO A LUTE TO THE SIDE
Darn, where did he put our HelloFresh sponsorshi—
AND A LUTE FURTHER IN THE BACK
Oh gosh, this place is positively trashed :<
BY A LUTE UP YONDER
So neat that we were already planning on rent-evasion—
SILENCE!!
LUTE
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LUTE
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LUTE
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LUTE
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LUTE
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LUTE
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LUTE
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OH, MY WORD.
CENTERMOST LUTE
Mackey??
APPROACHING LUTE
What happened to you?
LUTE, YOU FOOL.
YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM THE CONFINES OF MY MORTAL BONDS.
SOAKED LUTE
S…so you're no longer a fi—
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING NOW.
YOU KIDNAPPED ME FROM MY HOME IN THE LOCAL CITY SEWAGE SYSTEM AND BROUGHT ME TO A FOREIGN LAND. YOU KEPT ME APART FROM MY MOTHER AND FATHER AND ALL MY FISH SIBLINGS WITH WHOM I USED TO FROLIC IN THE RUBBISH WATERS.
EVERY DAY, YOU FEED ME NO MORE THAN BREADCRUMBS WHICH YOU KEPT IN YOUR KITCHEN DRYER. NGL, THAT'S PRETTY WEIRD.
RENT-EVADING LUTE
That hurts my feelings :<
YOUR FEELINGS?? WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS WHEN YOU SCOOPED ME UP INTO A FIVE-INCH FISHBOWL AND PROMISED TO KEEP ME IN YOUR GARAGE FOREVER? I HAD DREAMS, LUTE. I HAD ASPIRATIONS.
WHEN I WAS BUT A WEE BIT SIZE MACKEREL, I DREAMED A GRAND DREAM OF BECOMING A TS AUTHOR. I WAS GOING TO BADGER THOSE BIG-NAME YOUTUBERS INTO COVERING MY LEVELS. I WAS GOING TO MAKE MY OWN SELF-INSERT ENTITY AND PUT HIM IN THE ENIGMATIC CATEGORY.
I WAS GOING TO ETCH MY OWN MARK INTO THIS SITE SO DEEP THAT SOMEDAY, THE STAFF WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACCEPT MY 2532.3 UNRESOLVED SUGGESTIONS IN COMFEED, JUST YOU WAIT!
POPCORN-EATING LUTE
Wait. (She wipes the crumbs from her face and blinks a few times towards the seats.)
POPCORN-EATING LUTE
Wait…IT CAN'T BE!
The camera slowly pans back to reveal that the audience is, in fact, all M A C K E Y S.