WARNING:
The following contains graphic imagery including: SELF HARM and ATTEMPTED SUICIDE.
Viewer discretion is advised.
June 05, 2021:
It was still that desperate night. Everything went silent. The Masked Maidens in disarray. I came to the Maidens thinking I had nothing left to lose, but as soon as I gained a purpose, I learnt that it was all a lie…
It was too quiet. It felt like noise to me. I wanted it out. I wanted it to end.
I…
I wanted to end…
To be invisible like I once was before, to never be important, never be seen again; it all seemed like paradise to me. I slowly lifted my left sleeve… to reveal all my mistakes. My deepest and darkest wounds that never healed. I struggled to take a deep breath, my pillow soaked with tears. I squeezed my arm, hoping to soothe it slightly from the pulsing pain: a stinging reminder that existing alone is… suffering.
Everything I thought I had was gone in a single moment. A flash of pain. The cold lies that been given to me all this time. No one cared… I should've known that.
I looked to our painting. All the colors that were never true. A mess of deception. Was this just to get what she wanted? Did she use me? To show compassion… and love, just to say that you never cared? It's cruelty. But that's what everything is… it always was. The world is cruel. That will never change. Even if I tried.
I looked at my desk, noticing a little pencil in the distance. I clutched a nearby sofa, pulling myself off the floor with what little will I had left. Tears flowed out like a fountain as I used everything I had just to walk across the room. Sitting on that desk was that little pencil. I knew that morbid fate finally stood in front of me, looking me dead in the eyes. I fell onto the seat behind the desk, picking up the pencil. My hand shook as I fiddled with it for a minute, looking deep into each and every one of its imperfections. I looked at its pointed tip. It was barely sharp enough to write on paper, but maybe it could work if I tried hard enough…
Thoughts of my life rushed through my head. Friends, family, The Maidens, it all came back to me. I looked at the tender side of my arm, seeing a bulging blue vein. I looked back to the pencil, my eyes clouded by tears. I clutched the pencil tightly, breathing heavily. I thrusted it onto the vein, accomplishing nothing but a slight poke. I smashed the vein again and again and again with the tip of the tiny pencil, hoping to break the skin, but I saw nothing except the stains of the graphite on my wrist. I threw the pencil to the wall, and I fell back onto the floor, slightly kicking the desk in front of me. I didn't even have the will to hurt myself anymore. I just laid there. Staring into space… staring at nothing…
That was until… an envelope fell onto me…
I picked it up, and saw her name in front of me… Janice.
I was angry, my hands dented the sides of the envelope as my hands turned into fists. I quickly ripped open the container, as if a lion was mauling a man to shreds. Then my anger… turned back to sorrow.
The contents of the envelope fell out onto the desk. It was a letter… from her.
Dear Kyra.
Back from the start, a beat had skipped in my heart. The glee in your voice, the gleam in your eyes. It was all too perfect for me. I’ve never met someone like you, and I know you felt the same. You told me to look at the world with a perspective, I found a new introspective.
You had given me a new view, and that's with me and you.
The things we've been through, special things they taught me to pursue. This vision so new, I knew you've seen it too. Without disruption, I knew we could stop this corruption. But away with the envision, to complete this mission. You filled me with happiness, if it wasn't obvious…
I love you.
But… even with our love to commend, it may be put to an end. This call for help is major, I am in grave danger. Without any warning in sight, my body was invaded by a parasite. For what I say here isn't fake, as what lies inside is a snake. One that deceives, without anything to receive. One that affects my mind, no matter how much I try.
I may tell you lies, but there is still something to find. This serpent does not affect my writing, and our love is worth fighting for. The parasite is spreading, the consequences are dreading. The wounds are only growing, which leaves me unsound. My heart is sinking, all too much to be thinking. My voice of truth is rusted, therefore I cannot be trusted. Heed my warnings, there isn't much time for mourning.
I know of your secret, all your wounds precut.
You hurt yourself, without effort to exert your stress. You feel as if you are unwanted, which leaves you daunted. You drive cuts to your wrist, believing that you shouldn't exist. Thinking it's a way to cope, leaving all hope.
I don't want you to do this anymore.
I want you to survive, find ways to deprive your darkness. Help our cause to stop the deception, put it all into conception. Starting tonight, I want your life to be full of delight. No more sadness, put an end to the madness. I believe in you, I always had.
But for me…
Look for a cure, to make me pure. Make that your goal, for soon my actions I will be unable to control. This is my last chance, don't make this our final dance.
No matter where we're headed, may our intrepid love never end.
With love. - Janice
I did not know what to say. My body and mind couldn't comprehend what beautiful words were written. I was frozen, until I broke down. I was in tears of happiness. It wasn’t a lie, but true. She loved me. I have a purpose, I exist for a reason. I knew then it wasn't all for nothing.
Then… my tears of joy soon turned to sorrow. Janice was in danger. I needed to save her somehow. I need to find where she went. All this responsibility put onto my shoulders like weights. It was too much for my mind to handle…
I didn't know what to do…
But I had to do something. I couldn't leave her to die after everything we've been through. I slowly got up… I was determined to find her. To save her. I quickly ran to the closet and took some of my gear. I was preparing for anything just to find her again so she can be safe in my arms. I took my mask, glancing back at our painting, saying to myself:
I will find you.
