Don't Cry Over Spilled Blilk

Don't Cry Over Spilled Blilk, or: How a Failed Attempt to Spell Leeon's Last Name Led to One Casualty, the Release of an Eldritch God, and a Very Sad Leech

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Interviewer: Sumper Sumperson, M.E.G.
Interviewed: Leeon Lees(h)ire
Foreword: This interview was conducted to determine the correct spelling of Leeon's last name for M.E.G. documentation. It was arranged by operative Sumperson using the strategy of wandering around and specifically not looking for Leeon, after which, the leech quickly appeared.

<Begin Log>

Leeon: Hello gentleshir or gentlema'am!

Sumperson: [startled screaming]

Leeon: Would you, perchanshe, want to buy shomething?

Sumperson: Actually, I just wanted to ask you a few questions.

Leeon: Oh. But after that you will buy shomething?

Sumperson: Sure. Anyway, my main question is about your last name. Our documentation is kind of contradictory about whether it's "Leeshire" of "Leesire".

Leeon: Oh! That'sh shimple, it's Leeshire!

Sumperson: Can you spell that for me?

Leeon: Yesh. Shure. It's um… Ay-bee-shee-dee-ee-eff-jee-aych-ayee-jay-kay-ell… Ell? I think that'sh the firsht letter. Then there'sh um. Ay-bee-shee-dee… Um. Ay-bee-shee-dee-shee-bee-dee-bee-doo… I'm not shure what comesh after that.

Sumperson: OK. Well, I just need you to tell me if the "shire" part has an s or an s-h.

Leeon: Ish esh the bendy-wendy one?

[Leeon contorts himself into the shape of an s for emphasis]

Sumperson: Yes.

Leeon: Yesh. I think it hash one of thoshe.

Sumperson: And did it have an h?

[Leeon pauses for several minutes, contemplating the question]

Leeon: I don't remember. I know it ushed to be Leeshire but then at the border he made me change it to Leeshire.

Sumperson: And what border was that?

Leeon: The "in" one.

[Sumperson spends several minutes writing "I don't fucking know" in their notebook]

Sumperson: Alright, that should be all for today.

[Sumperson begins to walk away]

Leeon: Wait, but you shaid you wanted to buy shomething!

[Leeon opens his suitcase to reveal a jar of blood, a Berry steak, a piece of paper with several poorly drawn and bored-looking apes scribbled on it, the feeling of hopelessness associated with knowing that one day everyone you ever knew or cared about will be dead, and a glass of blilk]

Sumperson: No, I uh… I think I'm good.

[Sumperson's hand brushes against the glass of blilk. It falls over, spilling and releasing an unholy scream]

Leeon: That will be sheven litersh of juishe!

[The sound of Leeon's sleeping gas can be heard, with the continued screaming of the blilk in the background]

Leeon (lugubriously): Shpilled blilk…

[Despite his better judgement, Leeon sheds a few tears for the spilled blilk1]

<End Log>

Part 2

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