Warning, this article contains mentions of depression, death and attempted suicide. Proceed with caution.
No one ever chooses loneliness. Humans are social creatures, born to interact and thrive in each other's company. When that stability is broken, all that remains is a loss of oneself. If one is alone, they have only their thoughts for company. Isolation is the worst punishment that can be inflicted on oneself. While the reasons may differ, the result is almost always the same. The breakdown of not only the mind but also the human soul.
The human mind can be cruel. The capability to bring back even the most buried memories is terrifying. It can be overwhelmed by paranoia, and it can be crushed under lingering stress. Sometimes, it can feel like the brain enjoys remembering things that would rather be forgotten. If left unchecked, the brain itself could become a prison of its own making. Fortunately, thoughts and memories are just that. Thoughts and memories. It all stays as a simple whisper in the back of one's head, like an annoying, buzzing fly. It can be suppressed, or it can be ignored. After a while, nobody can even hear it anymore.
But this isn't the case. Some thoughts can't be hidden away.
Olivia realizes that she is in a white, empty room. There are no doors or windows, and the only thing that she can hear is the sound of her own breathing. All she remembers is the ground of Level Tournesol splitting, separating the level in half, and dragging her into the deepest part of her mind. This place is her own, but it feels like the farthest thing from familiar.
The first thing she thinks of in order to escape is to focus and create a door to escape this place through her mind. However, her attempt is quickly interrupted by her impulsive thoughts taking over. This dark and suffocating reality wasn’t something she was used to, and it immediately made her recall the monstrous engines and factories she was forced to create by the U.E.C. She tried too hard to bottle it up, to stop thinking of all the things eating her up from the inside. This was the consequence of it all.
Once more, the memories of her weakness were coming back to torment her. The painful reminder continued to flow. She remembered when those men dressed in death and red decided to take down the community she loved. She could not do anything because she was too naive to send them away and too weak to evict them when she understood their plans. The new level's darkened walls are stained with blood. She thinks of the corpses she witnessed that day, and as she does, they start to appear around her. She desperately tries to evade this painful memory, but the bodies continue to pop up everywhere until they fill the room. Their bodies remain stiff like empty flesh mannequins, as Olivia screams in horror at the sight of them. She can't handle this again. She tries to flee from this realm, trying to use those abilities she relied on so greatly to escape from her problems… But no matter how hard she tries, nothing happens. She realizes she is stuck.
"No, please—don't make me see this again!"
But nobody answers her pleas. She was alone in that cold room, her pristine clothing contrasting with the hundreds of corpses all around her. The bodies melt like boiling meat, merging with the ground. Their once lifeless heads suddenly rise to stare deeply into Olivia's eyes as they reach out for her with pleading voices. Between those people, Olivia can see the familiar small figure of Sally; the child she could not save. Olivia failed them all, including her.
Their hands wrap around her arm, pulling her down towards the center of the mass of flesh. She yells in distress as the level begins to shrink and turn violently. The memories are processed into distorted faces and painful screams, all surrounding her field of vision. She can do nothing but begin to weep, as the walls scream in a cacophony of anguish.
"Maman… help me, maman… Don't leave me alone…"
Her tears flood the room, pushing everything far away in a quick motion. The level becomes entirely submerged in water. that begins to fill her lungs. She feels the pain of suffocation and the heaviness of her body full of water. It's so painful for the first few seconds before she feels an utter emptiness in her chest. With nowhere for the water to flow, she begins to feel crushed under the weight of her own emotions.
She pleads for her mother to help her, even if, after all those years, she knows she can’t help her anymore. It's a natural instinct of human beings to call for their mothers in life-or-death situations because mothers are the beginning of all life and protection. They create reassurance with their warm embrace, and they become the most important figures in the lives of their children. It doesn't matter if her mother is far away, not even if she's probably dead. She just wants to see her. She's like a lost child wishing to be reunited with her, but as she was trying to comfort herself with this motherly memory, she suddenly gasped as she discovered the exact same figure she was craving so much, right before her eyes. However, she quickly realized the horror of this memory, as the motherly figure was only a faceless mimic of her. She realized she didn’t even remember her mother’s face anymore. How could she?
Her mother's voice echoed in the back of her head as her father also formed right next to her. They began growing old, their skin turning full of wrinkles and slowly decaying into dust. Her memory of them withered over the years, just as they withered before her now.
"I can't… I can't remember… Please forgive me—"
She desperately tries to reform their visages, reaching into her deepest memories. The level begins to tremble at her mental struggle, but it all becomes futile once more. The copies of her parents finished sweeping away, completely turning into dust. Olivia screamed, desperately trying to keep their memory around her, but no matter how hard she tried, they didn’t come back.
She begs for an exit once more, yet this time her willpower managed to turn the room into a passage, a hallway leading out of this suffocating hell. Desperate, she begins crawling in it, trying to follow the exit signs that are leading the way. She feels her powers working at last, and her hope to get out of her deepest, most harmful memories grows, as she realizes she might have a chance. She is just a fool.
She begins to hear howling from afar as adrenaline begins to boil in her limbs. She can recognize those sounds from anywhere. It's the sounds of those wretched, doglike humanoids that mauled her to death and took away all she loved. Her eyes begin to fill with hopeless tears as she gets back on her feet and starts running. Her body is exhausted, and it pleads for mercy, but no mercy is given through self hatred.
From the depths of the hallways, the hounds begin their pursuit. They are coated in blood, and their fangs and cruel eyes demonstrate nothing but starved hatred. Olivia tries her hardest not to imagine what would happen if the Hounds caught up. She knows exactly what would happen. It was how they killed her.
Despite her best efforts, she begins to think of the last day she was alive. When those cursed Hounds caught up to her and began slowly tearing down, she was left a bloody mess. She can physically experience the pain once more without being able to turn around and look at the beasts in their eyes. It's agonizing. The feeling of their fangs in her flesh made her wail in horror. Why does she need to relieve this again? Is she truly unable to move on? Olivia doesn't know, and she doesn't have the energy to care anymore. The pain is far too great.
She limps while holding onto her aching stomach. Her hands desperately feel the wall in an attempt to find a door to open. Her desperation reaches the corner of her brain and makes her call out for the men who raised her. Her fathers, Jeremy and Eric… She cries for them like a child.
"Pops—Dad—please…"
Jeremy and Eric would protect her no matter what, but now things have changed. They won't come save her, not in this place. Yet, she still has a glimmer of hope that their memory will save her from this nightmare, even for a short moment. She begs for them to appear and take her far away.
They answer.
A door appears a few feet from her, and she scrambles to force it open. She realizes that two dark figures are banging their fists against the door from the other side. They are two figures that she can immediately recognize from their screaming voices.
Olivia's expression breaks into anguish as she tries harder to push the doorknob and save her "fathers." She should not have thought of them; she should have never begged them to save her. Reliving their deaths is the punishment of her guilt for such an act. She couldn't save them then, and she can't do it now. She can only watch as unidentified creatures attack them from the other, inaccessible side. She can only stand there, frozen in horror, wailing as her throat burns.
It's only after a few agonizing seconds that their yelling and banging stop, leaving nothing behind but cold silence. Olivia falls to her knees in despair and violently punches the door. All that she loves always ends up being taken away. It's not a matter of coincidences or misfortune, but just a dire confirmation that her life is a worthless piece of dirt in the grasp of the Backrooms. Her life and the lives of her loved ones don't matter. The lives of all the human beings in the Backrooms don't matter. Nothing in this alien reality ever matters, because it was never built for human beings. It's not her home, and it was never going to welcome her as one. It's just the place that ripped her away from all she cherished over the years. She doesn't have the mental strength to continue hiding this kind of suffering. It was inevitable that it would cause this to happen, for this reality to form after her facade would crumble.
"I can't take this anymore… I just can't… Tournesol, I need you…"
Olivia huddles on the ground like a miserable stray. She can only whimper and plead for her husband to come hold her in their arms and comfort her. If only Tournesol didn't give their soul to her, if only Philia wasn't so merciful, if only she never got to that level in the first place… She would still be alive and happy, despite the pain of losing Tournesol. She would have found a purpose to keep living for them, just like she did moments before her death. Tournesol would have wanted her to keep going, but how can she survive all alone? She can't do it, not like this.
"You look so tired, Rose."
Their voice is the same as she remembers—sweet and low, like a gentle echo. She can feel their warmth—a pale copy of the real one. They are looking at her with their sad, blue eyes. Was it pity? Worry? Did it matter? This was a hallucination, a false them. It wasn't Tournesol. Olivia knows this very well. Yet she can't help but reach out for them.
"I miss you so much. I'm going insane, Tournesol… Please, stay with me. I'm scared."
She finally admits her fear. She was scared of being trapped, scared of being alone. She was scared of her losses and couldn't find the will to continue searching for a way to return to life. She was too frightened to do it alone. Tournesol crouches to her current height level, as they place a hand on top of her head, caressing her hair with gentle touches.
"Will that matter, Rose?"
"Will it not?"
She answers rather quickly with tearful eyes, already expecting what their answer might be. She feigns ignorance.
"You're just talking to yourself, Rose. Does it matter if I'll answer what you expect me to say? Does it?"
Their tone softens as their smile turns bittersweet. Olivia can't keep herself from weeping, even more than she did before. Her heart is being pulled apart by this grief. She looks away, hiding her tears.
"I wish I was the one who died first."
She covers her face with her arm, not wanting to look at them after what she said. She knows what she will see—a sad face with hurt blue eyes staring right at her. She won't let that hurt her even more. Tournesol is dead. She just wants to be alone; it would be better than surrounding herself with false hallucinations. Yet, she doesn't truly want them to go.
"I suppose then… What's done is done. There is nothing else left. I'm sorry for not being truly them."
They begin to melt like a block of ice as they slowly close their eyes. They accept their fate just like they accept their deaths. Olivia betrays her heart by looking at them as she rushes to hold them in her arms. She didn't want them to disappear. She didn't want them to go like that at all. Why did she think of sending them away? Why?
"No! Wait! I didn't mean to make you disappear— Please don't leave me!"
They smile weakly as they hold her cheek with their soft hands. She can feel it, even if they aren't real. That only makes her weep further. Why must this torment hurt even more? The guilt eats her whole.
"It's not your fault. Me and Delphi love you so much… I'm sorry."
They become a puddle of blood, melting right into her arms. Their disappearance and the mention of her lost child make her wail so loudly that her throat burns. She can't endure this anymore. She lost everyone again, including those she loved the most. She wants to vanish from existence and give up.
Her mind fulfills her desperate request.
A dark hole opens in the ground, flat against the floor in an unnatural uncanniness. It's simply there, waiting for her to fall and disappear. Olivia stares at it for five long minutes, before she takes a step forward and falls down. The hole swallows her whole, as black nothingness completely covers her. She closes her eyes, not wishing to live any longer. She feels empty.
In the distance, she hears the soft crying of an infant. She never got to hold Delphi in her arms and never got to hear their voice, but she can still sense the need for her lost child. She reaches out with her arms and embraces a small figure. It's warm and comforting. She doesn't dare open her eyes.
"Delphi… your mama is here… Everything will be okay."
She barely whispers as she weakly hums a lullaby. Delphi stops crying and carefully listens until they fall asleep against her chest. She can feel their breathing becoming slow and steady. It makes her cry out of a mixture of joy and sadness. She is so exhausted and in so much pain. This is the only good thing she can experience now. She is falling deeper and deeper into nothingness.
Delphi is gone once again, now condemning her to the abyss. She feels cold, numb, hopeless, and devoid of everything. Olivia can barely think or feel. It's almost like time itself has stopped. What else is there afterwards? Nothingness, along with a cacophony of echoes and walls of darkness.
For a while, everything stays exactly the same. Endless floating through permanent stagnation. Olivia's mind drifts through the nothingness for an eternity, until she senses something. Something—a sensation she hadn't experienced in far too long. A light outside of the hole. Someone else is there, far away from her reach. Someone else is on her level. Questions quickly fill her fading mind.
How is this possible? She made sure nobody else could ever enter and suffer again. Why is someone there?
Her limbs begin to twitch, desperate to move. Why does she want to move? Why is she feeling like this? Is someone truly waiting for her?
"I don't understand… Why do I want to go to the surface? Why? Why can't I be at peace?"
Her mind aches in frustration as she curses at herself for her selfishness. There is someone else in need of her help. There is someone who, against all odds, managed to find her. She can't disappear, not like this. She never wanted to vanish at all; she just wanted the pain to stop. But death is scarier than her own guilt. Her promise to Tournesol appeared in her mind again. How could she have forgotten? How could I have given up like this? Tournesol did everything to keep her alive. If there is even one person who needs to see her, she can't disappear. She won't allow herself to lose hope.
She begins to break free of her stasis as she swims upward to the surface. She thinks of those she loves, or what would they say if they knew she was trying to survive. Philia, Sally, Justin, Kat, Tournesol, Delphi, Jeremy, Eric, her mother, and her father… What would they do if they saw her like this? What was she thinking? She climbs with all her might, step by step. Her body fills with vigor as she does so.
She swims and writhes all over the place, all the memories of her existence rushing through her mind. She feels adrenaline in her body, powering her like the nectar of life itself. Olivia feels stronger than she has ever been.
"I don't want to disappear… I want to live— I want to escape— Tournesol—
The light is warm, and it cures her numbness as she reaches out for it. Olivia soon finds herself in the ground outside of the hole. She is trembling and weak, but she is still there. She feels relieved. The pain in her mind cannot destroy her again so easily; Her determination keeps her well guarded, and she will do so for quite a while. In the distance, Olivia takes notice of a white door that is ready for her to open—the exit. It's the exit back to her full consciousness, back to her original level. Back to life.
She looks back for a moment, seeing a faint apparition of Tournesol waving at her before vanishing once more. Olivia's expression softens as she turns the doorknob and rushes to the other side. Her regrets will still exist, but now she has the power to escape them. She gains control over herself once more, and she resolves to never let her suffering consume her ever again. As much as her heart still aches from suffering, she made her choice.
She is going to allow herself to heal.
She chooses to exist.
