Object 77 - "Involuntarily Portable Radio"
rating: +70+x
radio2.jpg

A front view of the radio.

Description:

The Involuntarily Portable Radio is a standard issue portable radio with seemingly no brand other than the letter "Q" painted on the right side. The radio does not have a dial to change frequency,1 and only ever broadcasts one channel, a seemingly long-running talk show known as "Talking With Quinoa". More details on these broadcasts are disclosed below.

This radio appears to materialize spontaneously on random levels, always doing so in an area populated by humans but never within anyone's line of sight. Witnesses have reported it appearing behind their backs, around a corner, or on the other side of a closed door.

Upon being noticed by a human, the radio will play a broadcast from the aforementioned "Talking With Quinoa" for roughly 30 to 120 seconds. When the broadcast is over, the radio will remain silent until it is out of eyesight, at which point it will disappear and reappear elsewhere within 1 to 72 hours. As of now, it is believed that there is only one instance of this object.

The titular "Quinoa" who hosts the show appears to have a uniquely scattered worldview. His knowledge of any given topic is limited and often incorrect. Episodes of "Talking With Quinoa" are usually nonsensical and disjointed, with very few reoccurring topics between broadcasts. Past talking points have included a ranking of rock-based materials based on how "crunchy" they are, dating advice, seances, and a discussion of the merits of cannibalism.

It is of note that "Quinoa" has never been seen or heard from outside of broadcasts. No accounts of in-person encounters have been confirmed to be legitimate.

Discovery:

This object was first discovered on Level 2 by an anonymous wanderer. When asked further to describe the experience, the witness stated: "I don't really know. I turned around, and it was there. The show came on for, like, 30 seconds, and then I turned around, and it was gone again. That's all I can really tell you."

Recorded Broadcasts:

The following is a series of transcripts of "Talking With Quinoa" broadcasts. Additional notes will be added as necessary. Additional transcripts are available here.

Transcript 1:
"Hello, and welcome to episode 230 of 'Talking With Quinoa.' Today, I'd like to talk about concrete. I think concrete is probably one of the best things yet invented. I mean, it's just an all-purpose material! Make a sandwich with it, encase your friends in a block of it—I mean, heck, you could probably build a house out of it! I used to know this guy who would send me, like, 3 blocks of crisp, dry concrete every week or so without fail. It was the absolute highlight of my week seeing them fall through the wall and go clunk as they landed in the corner of the studio. What a guy! Invest in concrete! Follow your heart!"

Transcript 2:
"Hello, and welcome to episode 80 of 'Talking With Quinoa.' Today, let's read tarot cards."

[Quinoa seems to be haphazardly rifling through some form of storage.]

"Let's see… uh, card of the day, it's… the Chariot! Wow, those people are NAKED! Wow, what a neat card. Also, I don't have the foggiest idea of what it means. Interpret it your own way, I guess! Follow your heart, and remember the Chariot!"

Transcript 3:
"Hello, and welcome to episode 124 of 'Talking With Quinoa.' How many liquids are there? Water, blood, oil… what else? I’ve been wondering about this for a while, and I figure there’s probably at least a couple. The world’s pretty big, so I bet there’s probably some new liquid being invented in fuckin’ Japan or something that we don’t even know about. ‘Liquid dirt’ or something like that. Wait, did I just invent a new liquid? Whoa. That’s pretty neat. Follow your heart, guys!"

Transcript 4:
"Hello, and welcome to episode 59 of 'Talking With Quinoa.' Today’s topic: cauliflower. What the fuck is it? Is it a fruit? A vegetable? …A mineral? What the hell is it supposed to be? Nobody has ever explained this to me. It creeps me the hell out."

[Incoherent mumbling]

"…fucking cauliflower, knockoff-broccoli-looking piece of… Oh, shit, We’re still on air. Uh… follow your heart."

[More incoherent mumbling]

"…cauliflower. What even— wait, no, I pressed the—"

[Episode ends abruptly]

Transcript 5:
"Hello, and welcome to episode 312 of 'Talking With Quinoa.' You know what scares me? Whales. Yeah, they don’t hurt you… but they could. Gosh, really makes me shudder to think about it. Did you know they have hair? I know, what the fuck, right? Fish can’t have hair! You’re not a person, you stupid fish! Follow your heart, unless you’re a whale!"
Additional Notes: Following this broadcast, the radio did not rematerialize for an unusually long time of 8 months.

Transcript 6:
"Hello, and welcome to episode 313 of 'Talking With Quinoa.' So, I took some time to think, and I came up with a way to deal with the whale thing. Quinoa’s advice: if you see a whale on the beach, leave it! Put those stupid, hairy fish in their place! That’ll show ‘em for sure. It's so weird that nobody's talking about this, y'know? People are so scared of sharks, but no one’s worried about whales. Someone, stop the whales! Follow your heart!"
Additional Notes: This broadcast was transmitted following the reappearance of the radio after its 8 month disappearance.

Transcript 7:
"Hello, and welcome to episode 27 of 'Talking With Quinoa.' I don’t see what the big deal is about global warming. I mean, I don’t want to be cold all the time. I don’t think anyone does. With that in mind, what’s wrong with making the planet warm? That’d be so nice! I, Quinoa, support global warming, and you should too! Support the cause, melt an iceberg! Follow your heart!"

Transcript 8:
"Hello, and welcome to episode 30 of 'Talking With Quinoa.' Let’s see what the tarot card of the day is… looks like it’s the Magician! He doesn’t look much like a magician to me. More like a hoarder! Why’s he got all that stuff? And why is he holding a candle? That’s no wand, silly. You’ll burn yourself trying to conjure up demons. Luckily, I can do it safely. Watch!"

[Quinoa proceeds to recite what is presumed to be an incantation of unknown origin. The distant sound of a woman screaming can be heard in the background, followed by the rattling of chains.]

"Well, that was neat! Follow your heart!"
Additional Notes: It is unclear as to whether or not the above incantation was successful in summoning a demon. However, witnesses of the broadcast described a taste of blood in their mouths for the next two hours.


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