Komo’oide And Philia
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by Nikuchan Nikuchan and JustazappyratJustazappyrat

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[Credit to TrailmixNCocoaTrailmixNCocoa for some of the div block codes and for the logo image that was taken from their http://backrooms-wiki.wikidot.com/theme:forevermore theme]


Our meeting occurred by pure chance, I was the second to last to gain form. The others were already in action when my consciousness first developed, and so I wandered the gloomy void before I sensed you, my dear friend. You had a fluid appearance, not maintaining one form for long, but still distinctly a jester. A fitting choice for such a humorous Pillar, I was curious and so I approached you. And for the first time, we both saw each other.

“You are the last to have emerged, aren't you? Seems that it is just the two of us here. Not so lonely in the end, is it?” My eyes were staring right at you as I was slowly making my way to your side, curiosity and innocence seeping into me at the sight of something new.

“Ah, there is another here. How peculiar, I thought the rest had all left by now. What might you be?”

Your voice was a cacophony of noises, like a crowd whose members try to talk as one — laughter, cackles, and giggles all united. I found it rather overwhelming at first, but quickly grew to see it as comforting and soothing.

“I am a mother's lullaby, the whisper of wind that caresses an infant's cheek. I am the fabric of the heartstrings, the silken tapestry interwoven in the spirits of kindred friends. I am the warmth of the lovers' embrace, the gentle fire kindled by two souls entwined as their lips draw near in a rapturous kiss. I am Æga'ph", I replied. "And you?"

“I am the laughter of the masses, the giggling of an infant, the reflection on their past! I am Komo'oide.”

Even as we spoke for that first time, I felt a connection. We were both young, dismissed as servants of folly by our older kin who corresponded to bolder ideas and loftier philosophies. As we stood face-to-face, there was the tacit acknowledgment of that shared rejection — and with it, the tacit embrace of our shared simplicity. I understood then that the opinions of our elder companions mattered much less than I had first believed.

This first meeting marked the beginning of our eternal friendship. There was not a single moment in which we were not together, where I was not laughing, where you were not loved, where we were not happy. You were there to protect me from the wrath of the one that once loved me so dearly, that ended up falling into despair, my beloved Fengári. You were there to play with me, as we ran and laughed like two carefree children… And I was there to give you all the affection in the world, to wipe any tears and to mend any wound of yours.

You always beat me at any game, yet I did not mind. In fact, it made me so happy seeing you proud as you cheerfully twirled around. What a jokester, what a tease you were! You truly enjoyed toying along with me in that playful way of yours, and I enjoyed every moment of it, returning your jokes with mine. I came to know every single part of your whole being, the way your tone would change depending on your mood… We were so close that I felt my heart tangled with yours, beating in unison as if they were one thing.

Do you remember, Komo? The day you found the orphan, huddled against the wall, crying from his solitude. You called for me, as you weren't experienced in calming children. I comforted him, grew him a rose which he held in his palms as the tears continued to flow down his cheeks.

We brought him to a calmer place, a field, similar to his original home. You changed your form, taking the shape of a tiny squid so as to comfort him. After all, he had come from a fishing village. That much we understood. Then he lifted his palms to you, offering you the rose which I had given him. You found, then, resting gently in its center, a pearl fresh from the sea, perfectly round, bright and pure. It was then that you took him into your embrace, and made him your child, your avatar.

And do you remember when he asked often, in those first days, if he would be lonely? You promised that he would never be alone again. That he finally had a family. Truth be told, I hardly understood the idea of an avatar at the time. I could hardly fathom what it meant for a god to make a mortal their own, to cherish them so dearly. I had never found one so dear to me, so wholly for myself. But seeing the way you held that young boy in your tendrils as you hummed your gentle lullaby, I yearned to care for something so fragile, to hold in my arms a child of my own.

From that day onwards, the tendrils around your head were adorned with pearls. Your avatar often gifted them to you as a token of gratitude ever since that day he first gifted you some. I could feel the love you had for him, like a parent’s love for their child. It was a warm feeling. I, too, grew a soft spot for that young child and loved him dearly. He used to cling to my leg and run on the soft grass. He used to smile so brightly and bring me flowers. Nunca… My sweet Nunca…

Nunca was always so cheerful and joyous. You taught him everything like a parent would. He was a part of you, almost your own flesh. I would feel the pure aura of parental love surround you. It felt nice and always smelled like sweet flowers. As Philia, I watched over him, helping you to raise him like a family would. He started having many hopes and dreams, many wishes and expectations… The more he grew, the more our love towards this silly child grew, and the closer we became.

I stood and watched as he performed for the first time, making sure the magic behind him could captivate the looks of others, making sure he was illuminated and looked at. I made sure his colorful clothes were always ready to be worn, as he went around showing them to the others…

I was like his mother, and he was like my son, and I stood and watched as he grew. I stood and watched as I helped him forward from the well hidden background…

He was like an infant taking his first steps; I was there to lift him up if he ever were to fall but he did not usually need it. He was able to walk on his own. He was able to continue on his own path.

Many centuries had passed since he became an avatar, and Nunca had grown into a fearsome, yet respectable and trustworthy avatar. He spread laughter through villages, bringing smiles to the faces of the young and old. Even if his attire made him look like an easy target to cruel people, he gained respect with his skillful dodging and unpredictable strategies. I still remember the day he defeated an opponent with a boot and a snake!

And he would proudly show off his skills as he played with the other children. He would speak of me and you… He would speak of the mystical things he could do, of all the great hopes and dreams he had. And I stood and watched with a smile, I stood and watched. He went out on his own, he brought us gifts and treats, and would always wish to stay by our side.

And I remained where I needed to be, observing the course of our peaceful existence without being too much of an interference…

And he grew, and grew, little by little. We marked how tall he got every few months on the tree nearby the village. The lines started so low… And then…

Then the lines were cursed to stop halfway through.

And I stood and watched as it happened.

I blamed myself when the day that everything spiraled came. Even today I question myself…

If I had moved…

If I had walked, if I did not stand and watch…

That day… I felt your immense love and joy turn into pure despair. I remember that day, the day when all laughs went silent. You had shown your true self to Nunca when he asked to see you. I was there and didn't know what would happen. He laid in your arms with blank eyes and no breath. You screamed for him to wake up, that it couldn't end now, despite knowing that his fate was sealed. I will never forget the expression of dear Nunca, a wide grin of laughter plastered across his lifeless face. I heard the laughter before the upcoming death, it was like an insane cackle. Just glancing at his oversoul made his mind melt into nothing. It couldn't even be restored. Even in the present, the laughter never abandons my nightmares… Nunca will haunt me forever, as a permanent reminder of the guilt I felt.

And all I did during his dying moments was stand there.

I stood and watched as his mind melted into nothing. I stood and watched as his body went limp. I stood and watched…

Why did I not move?

I was afraid… I was afraid and I did not know what to do. I was too pathetic and I could only exist in the back as an invisible prop. I felt insignificant and I still feel this way.

Only after a while, only after it was all useless… I moved.

The expression of pure grief and horror on your face terrified me. It was as if you were falling apart and I couldn't do anything. You were losing yourself and I desperately wanted to save you… So I reached out and held your cheeks, trying to wipe away your tears of sorrow. “Komo… please, Komo…” I whispered… All you could spew out were words of suffering and blame towards yourself. I held you close and tried to comfort you, to help you regain even a bit of a grasp over yourself… It was the only thing I could do. I was so powerless. Seeing this gave me so much pain. Yet, I could not cry, no matter how much suffering it caused me… I could not shed any tears, or I'd fall apart becauseof this cursed inability to process pain. And so I remained, embracing you in your grief. None of us had the strength to move or get up in that moment. You refused to let go of Nunca until you were too exhausted to even cry. At that point something broke in you and you let him be taken away.

And I let it happen, in silence.

With the help of the others, Nunca was buried alongside the rest of his fallen companions that were part of our group. He was given a special gravestone embedded with the same type of pearl he had given you long ago, right above his name.

And I remained still as his small body was buried underneath the soil, as his little hand was covered forever.

That night was the last night I would see you before you left for centuries. Your whereabouts became unknown to the rest of The Pillars. The humor amongst mortals turned vile, used as a weapon to insult the vulnerable. Wicked laughter hurt the anxious. Their loving chuckles rotted into horrible cackles. Your departure left a gaping void within me. I could not handle losing you and Nunca both in the span of mere days. You had isolated yourself in your own world, separated from the rest of Existence — and those who sought to console you. Your grief consumed you, dear Komo'oide. It was from this which your notorious reputation emerged. That of a malicious being only looking to cause trouble and pain for your own amusement.

And I was left to grieve and suffer alone. I would always feel agony and call out to you, hoping that you would eventually heed it and I could embrace you again…

Yet that time was far ahead… so far ahead.

Komo'oide… even in the present, I struggle to understand the reason you left…

I wanted to be there to help you… so why?

Why couldn't you let me be there?

I lost a part of me when you left after Nunca’s death. The excruciating pain of loss and the hatred of humans that slowly caused a drift between gods made me lose faith and a willingness to exist. I visited the grave of that dear child everyday as more of his companions would gradually join him over the years…

Yet I could not erase your presence from my mind.

I had nothing, and I did nothing. I did nothing because I was a weak fool.

Then one day, I felt your love again. I did not see you, but I did sense that spark light up once more.

There, on the wooden floor of a newly-formed level sat a small scared jester. Moments ago she had been a regular human yet, through circumstances and mistakes, she had been led to this fate. She was lost and confused. You appeared to her – not physically of course – and told her of a choice you'd give her. While you could not promise her freedom, you could offer a greater chance at it, in return for her being your avatar.

Unlike you, I did not feel as if I could handle the creation of an avatar after the pain we experienced, and so I was the only one with no successor, no one to take care of. At the time I believed it was the right choice, that I would not see any more suffering that way.

I observed you from afar, hesitating to act, hesitating to rush towards you and embrace you… In the end, I did not do it. I was afraid you'd disappear.

And you vanished once more.

I never saw you nor that small jester again for quite a long time and, over the many years that followed, I lost all my willingness to continue searching for you.

I didn't feel like doing anything else. Falling asleep in a long slumber did nothing to help me fix the void in my chest. I had nothing left for me to cling to, no hope, no purpose… Nothing.

I stopped watching too, and only stood, then I stopped standing and just… existed.

I didn't even bother moving anymore.

Until I made a choice.

I found myself standing by the edge of the cold void. My mind was running from a thought deep within. Foolishly, I called out your name again, even though it had been centuries since you last answered me. I moved forwards, and soon the cold darkness surrounded me. I was neither happy nor sad. I could only say I was… tired. Tired of many things, tired of nothing, I didn't know and I still don't know.

It was time I put my mind and body to rest, so that I would not need to think of the pain any longer. And so I could still fulfill my duty without being a nuisance.

My memories lingered on your smile and your sweet words, and I felt my heart beginning to tear apart, slowly. Yet I was too tired to move, too tired.

I would not be standing and watching anymore, I would move and I would disappear, because I could do nothing in my life except cause pain…

I imagined I was in your embrace as I slowly grew to accept my looming stasis.


I thought of the one I loved and lost, the second one I also loved that hurt us all and vanished, and then of my dear Nunca…

I drowned deeper in my regrets, like thorns of crimson roses digging into my flesh.

I believed I would remain in this void forever, but then I felt something grasping my hand and pulling me back to the surface. I saw you there, and I couldn't describe your expression. It was a mix of many things including panic and fear, but most importantly pain.

You… you scolded me. You scolded me and cried and begged me to not do this ever again.

In that moment I saw how helpless and vulnerable you were reduced to be. How scared you were about the possibility that I could have vanished…

At the time I was unable to say anything, yet I wanted to cry and yell your name. I held you close, not knowing if it was your real form but not caring either.

I said your name again with a shaky voice, and I cried for the second time in my life. I cried so much that I choked on my own tears, begging for you to stay and not leave me again. I needed you, I always did.

I loved you Komo'oide. I love you, my dear friend.

“Swear you'll never disappear like that ever again.”

I thought with barely any strength. I couldn't speak yet, you lifted me up gently and wrapped something warm around my shoulders before you carried me away. I couldn't listen to what you said; I had no strength for that. I just knew you were there and my heart felt less heavy in that moment.

We spoke about many things once I rested; your regrets and my pain, loss, forgiveness and guilt. That guilt that ate you up whole. You believed it was all your fault, yet I reassured you otherwise. You, my dear Komo'oide, suffered enough. We both looked at the sky with nostalgia. We stayed silent for a long time and that was okay, that was okay because we were together, so it didn't matter if we didn't speak.

And then you decided you had work to do. You would depart and right your wrongs. You would dress your wounds and the wounds of those you had hurt in your bitterness. You would chase the wind, chase the sun, relearn the songs of light and air and truth, and find it in you to laugh — joyfully, innocently, genuinely — once more. And then, only then, we would see each other again. And then, we would speak again. And then, we would be together again… forevermore.

You and I promised that day: to right all the wrongs of our existence. To never drown in our sorrows ever again.

And so I wait… I wait for you. To right your wrongs. To pry the thorns of grief from your wounds. To let them heal into scars. To laugh once more.

The road ahead is harsh and cold like a stormy winter, but everyone knows that after the harsh winter, there is spring and the sun shining up in the sky. Even if it takes a long time, if we walk together, the cold weather won't be as hard to handle.

The first flowers of spring are already blooming, Komo'oide.

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