Joke Entity 667 - "Satan"
rating: +41+x
satan.png

A photo of Entity 667, provided by the entity himself. The image shows clear signs of airbrushing and other photoshop techniques, but no better image could be acquired.

Entity Number: 667

Habitat(s): Hell

Description:

Entity 667 is a large1 humanoid entity who is also an important figure in all Abrahamic religions. Aside from his large size, Entity 667 can be distinguished from his bright red skin, large horns, and goatee, in addition to the black three-piece suit that he is always seen wearing. Entity 667 has told that M.E.G. that his main duties are to oversee the punishing of the souls of the damned and to tempt people into sin. Despite this, he is generally amicable and is usually willing to answer questions from the M.E.G. Entity 667 is believed to be very powerful, though the extent of these powers are currently unknown. Investigation is ongoing as to whether or not Satan is able to travel between the Backrooms and the Frontrooms.

Interview Logs:

Interviewed: Satan
Interviewer: Dave Bedfordshire
Forward: This interview was conducted to prepare for the entity file to be uploaded to the Database.


<Begin Log>

Dave: Hi Stan, I'm just contacting you since we're adding you to the Databa—

Satan: It's Satan.

Dave: Yep. What did I say?

Satan: "Stan"

Dave: Hmm… I'm not hearing any difference.

Satan: Nevermind. What were you asking?

Dave: Well, Stan, as is our policy with unique sapient entities, I'm just wondering if you have a preference for what number you want us to use.

Satan: I think it should be pretty obvious.

Dave: What?

Satan: Six-hundred-sixty-six.

Dave: I don't get it.

Satan: You know… Since I'm the Devil and that's the number of the Devil.

Dave: You're the what now?

Satan: The Devil. In all Abrahamic religions.

Dave: Abrah what now?

Satan: You don't know what an Abrahamic religion is? Like Christianity, Judaism, Islam? What religion are you?

Dave: I'm American, Stan.

Satan: That's not a religion; that's a nationality.

Dave: No… I mean, I worship the country and people of the United States of America. If we're talking nationality, then I'm actually British.

Satan: Bri''ish??!!?!?!?!2

[Satan visibly vomits in his mouth]

Satan: I would not have agreed to hold this meeting if you had told me that ahead of time. There's a reason I keep British Hell far away from normal Hell.

Dave: Wait… There's a British Hell?

Satan: Yeah. Where did you thing British people went when they died?

Dave: Wait so, is there a British Heaven too?

Satan: Nah.

Dave: So God just lets British people into normal Heaven?

Satan: Nah, we don't have a British Heaven because we just haven't needed one. Anyway, I'm going to have to cut this one short [visibly vomiting]. Do you just want to go to British Hell right now? It'll save you a some time.

Dave: Sure!

Satan: Okay. It's right down the hall, next to Backrooms Wiki Author Hell; you can't miss it!

Dave: Thanks, Stan!

<End Log>

Interviewed: Satan
Interviewer: Rita Cain
Forward: This interview was conducted to determine what happened to disappeared M.E.G. member Dave Bedfordshire.


Rita: Hi Entity 667, I came here today to—

Satan: Wait. 667? I was promised the Entity 666 slot!

Rita: Sorry… We were going to give it to British Satan3 since he called di—

Satan: I hate that guy.

Rita: —bbs, but we ended up finding an entity that was more worthy of the slot.

Satan: I fucking swear, if YHWH put you up to this…

Rita: No, I—

Satan: Then who? Who would be more worthy of the Entity 666 slot than me, Satan?

Rita: The Chicken Man.

Satan: What?

Rita: I said th—

Satan: No. I heard what you said… How can I get into contact with this "Chicken Man".

Rita: Oh… I don't think you want to do that.

<End Log>

Update 9/17/2021:

A multitude of flyers have been found posted on various levels that claim to be from Entity 667, himself. A transcript of one of them can be found below.

Fuck you Chicken Man, I fucking— No wait, don't write that down.

If you're reading this, Chicken Man, I'm challenging you to a fiddling contest in Level 11 for the Entity 666 slot. Be there or be square!

Do you think that one's good or do we want to— No, stop writing this down.

Incident Log 9/23/2021:

<Begin Log>

Satan: So, we finally meet… [dramatic pause] Chicken Man.

The Chicken Man:

Satan: Do you have anything to say for yourself before we begin?

The Chicken Man:

Satan: Very well.

[Satan pulls out a fiddle and begins to play a hypnotising and ethereal song]

[The song continues for 17 hours]

Satan (visibly sweating): Heh. Think you can beat that?

The Chicken Man:

[The Chicken Man pulls out a fiddle]

[Dramatic pause]

[The Chicken Man breaks the fiddle in half, and lunges at Satan, stabbing him in the left kidney with the sharp end of the fingerboard]

Satan: Ah! You stabbed me in the left kidney!

[The Chicken Man removes his weapon, and blood begins to spurt from the newly-made orifice]

Satan: Ah! Blood is spurting from the newly-made orifice!

[The Chicken Man drops the remains of the fiddle, and laceratingly tears Satan to ribbons with his bare hands]

Satan: Ah! I'm being laceratingly torn to ribbons with his bare hands!

[Satan— or what's left of him falls over, [dramatic pause] dead]

Satan: Ah! I— or what's left of me is falling over… [dramatic pause] dead!

<End Log>

Related Document:

The Eleven Eagle


chicken-fight.png

A painting of the battle between Satan and the Chicken Man created by E Isle. Some artistic liberties have been taken.

The Devil Himself Finally Vanquished From This Realm?

Just yesterday, Satan himself was slain in a riveting battle by the entity known as "The Chicken Man". Although this may seem far-fetched, it's true! In a fiddling contest gone sideways, Satan and The Chicken Man became locked in a fierce right that ending in the Father of Lies' ultimate demise. We have reached out the The Chicken Man for comment and have not gotten a response.

Don't let this fool you into thinking that this is the end of all evil as we know it though, as we reached out the the new CEO of Hell, Beelzebub, who told us that Hell is still doing fine and that they should be able to get back on their feet in no time, saying: "It's never fun to get a promotion due to your boss dying, but Satan was kind of a whiney asshole anyway, so he got what was coming to him."


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