How to Get a Greenlight (100% Real No Fake)
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This is a satirical essay. If you do any of the things listed here and try to use this essay to justify it, nobody will be impressed, least of all myself. –ghostchibi

Are YOU tired of all the work that goes into getting a greenlight? You have to write, revise, receive criticism, revise again, get criticism again, revise again… what a process! Thankfully, this page is full of Tried And True Methods™ to get that greenlight and be loved by every single greenlighter, absolutely 100% guaranteed for sure!

Don’t read greenlighter profiles and ignore the instructions on them

Greenlighters have profiles. They’re on the wiki site and in the discord server, and they have information on it like how they prefer to be contacted, what kind of crit they’re best at, and other information that the greenlighter has deemed “important.” But who cares what the greenlighter says? You have a draft that needs to be greenlit! Who cares about the fact that their profile says that they’re taking a short break, or that they don’t accept DMs, or that they don’t crit anything with severe formatting issues! You have a draft, and you are going to do whatever you feel like to get your draft in that greenlighter’s face, pronto!

Repeatedly pester for requests to crit in a short period of time

It’s been a day, or maybe two hours, or, gasp, ten whole minutes and nobody has answered your request for crit yet! You are clearly being ignored, and you shouldn’t stand for it! Start posting again and again in the critique channel, demanding that someone look at your draft. Or, ping a greenlighter over and over again asking for crit until they have no choice but to respond as you’ve sufficiently blown up their phone notifications and now they can’t even check their text messages from dear old mom without seeing your request. Serves them right for ignoring you! They’ll be so apologetic, they’ll be morally and legally obligated to drop absolutely everything and critique your draft right at that moment.

Ask for a greenlight on an unfinished draft

Greenlighters are famously known for being mind-readers. Because of this, they can detect what you intended to write in a draft, even if you haven’t actually written that in yet! However, this is an ability that needs to be activated consciously. If a greenlighter hasn’t read your mind yet and properly taken into account the part of your draft that you haven’t written down yet, let them know that your draft is unfinished. That way, you’ll let them know that it’s time to turn on their amazing powers and continue reading your draft from inside your mind!

Spam unrelated content in the crit channel

Everyone enjoys a good joke. If people enjoy one funny joke, then clearly they will love seeing even more! Make yourself immensely likeable nigh-instantaneously by flooding the critique channel with jokes, memes, and complete gibberish. Everyone will love you for making the channel unreadable while you continue this classic routine.

Take crit as an indication that the greenlighter hates you and is plotting your downfall

As we all know, greenlighters who don’t like your ideas or your writing also hate you, personally, and are hoping that you’ll never post anything to the wiki as long as you live. They might even be plotting to drop an anvil on you, all while cackling wildly. If a greenlighter tells you that your draft needs more work along with ways that you can improve the draft, you can be certain that this greenlighter is definitely trying to ruin your life. They are totally not trying to help you out by offering advice or pointing out errors. Other greenlighters will also be very happy to check your drafts for you, knowing that you will rightfully assume that they hate you if they point out that you’ve got consistent grammar errors.

Get into a fight with a greenlighter for not greenlighting your draft

Related to the above, if a greenlighter doesn’t greenlight your clearly perfect draft, it’s time to fight back! Don’t let that greenlighter keep you from posting your draft because of “spelling errors” or “underdeveloped ideas” or something else pointless and stupid. If you fight a greenlighter who tells you no dice on a greenlight, they will immediately respect your belligerent attitude and have no choice but to concede defeat to this duel of wits.

Demand draft crit, especially with heavy sarcasm or “joke” demands

Everyone loves it when you demand that everyone read your draft because it’s clearly perfect. Such hard-hitting rhetoric will attract the attention of everyone and cause them to scramble to their computers or mobile devices, as they are completely beholden to see what wonderful gem of a draft you have thrust in their faces. Nobody can resist such a proclamation, and everyone loves it and will not find it annoying in the slightest.

Send nsfw, fetish, or otherwise “weird” content apropos of absolutely nothing to a greenlighter

People love it when random strangers send them weird, gross, or sexual content out of nowhere. In fact, they love it so much that they’ll completely overlook the fact that this breaks wiki rules!

Ask for crit from a greenlighter in the middle of giving crit

Interrupting a greenlighter in the middle of critiquing someone else’s draft will convey that your draft is much more urgent and needs attention far more than the draft being critiqued right now. Who cares about that other draft, or the 100+ other drafts waiting for crit? The greenlighter and the draft author should know that yours is much more important! Plus, it’s not like they might have a list of other people lined up waiting, or that they might have other things to do, or that they need a break, right?

Ask a greenlighter for crit right after someone has asked for crit from that greenlighter

If you see someone ping a greenlighter asking for critique, don’t even let the greenlighter answer! Throw your hat into that ring ASAP before they even have a chance to open discord and see what they’ve been pinged for. If you don’t, you’ll lose your chance for a critique forever just because someone else asked that greenlighter first!

Insist that you don’t know how to improve your draft

You’ve poured all of your good ideas and effort into a draft, and a greenlighter has told you that you need to improve it. But how are you meant to do that if you’ve done all you can? Clearly, the greenlighter is unaware that there’s nothing more that can be done to improve this draft. It doesn’t matter that you haven’t even given two seconds of further thought on how to change since you were told it needed more work, you know nothing can make it better! You need to make the greenlighter understand this, and realize that the draft needs to be greenlit right now, because otherwise, this draft will never get posted to the wiki and it needs to be greenlit.

Severely self-deprecate about yourself and your writing

Well, your draft wasn’t greenlit. Clearly, it’s because you suck shit and are a god-awful disaster of a writer, and everything you make always has been and will be a fucking disgrace. Let the greenlighter know that you completely understand this, and really impress upon them that you are aware of the extreme level of absolute cringe and fail that you exist on. Do this well enough, and the greenlighter may take such strong pity on you that they’ll greenlight your draft anyway.

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Now that you've learned all the flawless methods to getting a greenlight, head out there and get your draft the greenlight that it deserves! Remember, greenlighters are completely beholden to their job, and your draft will always come before their personal life, other responsibilities, or even their health and well-being! What are you waiting for? Get out there, and get yourself a greenlight today!


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