[{Seeking Critique}] Entity

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Summary:

Lookin for some critique for an article about bombs. Bombs that crawl. Bombs that can crawl inside of you, and then do bomb things. Bombs that come in swarms. Swarm bombs.

[{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

Bufo_Bufo 08 Sep 2023 16:45

Coolest bestest awesomest article ever (about bombs)

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~Robert~

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

PenOrSaber1 13 Sep 2023 14:58

You've Got Mail.

Looking over this, I think you’ve got a great, original idea. I can’t think of anything similar anywhere on-site. So props to that.
However, like everything on this planet, it can be improved. Nothing is perfect, after all. For instance, you do explain how they explode-through the firesalt(which I personally think is really creative)-but not how they survive the explosions themselves. I assume it has something to do with their high resistance to forces that try to crush them, but it would be better to directly state this in your article. Perhaps move that part to be included into an explanation following the mention of their use of their ability to explode with firesalt.
Furthermore, you don’t explain how these beetles mutated to get firesalt inside them. It would help the reader understand that they just didn’t just spontaneously have firesalt inside them all of a sudden (based on the theme you chose, I assume this is for the decay or desolation canon) by stating the phenomena that is causing this like the decay process that is the main problem in the decay canon, or the desolation phenomena scutoid is making.
Looking at your article, you mention that “The remaining swarm will then proceed to consume and reproduce inside of the carcass until eventually repeating the process.” This tells me two things: one, some of the bugs do die from the explosions they create, and second, that these beetles have a process for reproducing. It leaves me with several questions as a reader:

1. Why don’t all the bugs die from the explosions?
2. How do they reproduce(do they lay eggs, etc.)?
3. Why do they specifically attack living creatures to use as nests? In other words, why not use something else, like a bee has a hive or inside a tree hollow?
4. What reliance do they have on living things, and why do they need to consume them?

Then you go on to say, “It should be noted that Beetles pose a real, tangible threat in areas with dense foliage, where the ground is not visible.”
I’m going to ask everyone’s favorite question: Why? By asking yourself why they are threats and why they do certain things, it will really help clear up confusion and expand your article.

“Beetles naturally avoid any entrance into any sort of level, and reside on the level they are rendered in. The only way for beetles to spread is through deliberate transportation via travelers or random no-clipping. Beetles will immediately expire upon entry into a sublevel, or enigmatic level. Beetles also tend to avoid areas of high human population, despite their ability to easily kill and consume any wanderer in their vicinity.“

Same as above with asking why, regarding each sentence here. Why do they avoid the entrances into any kind of level(also, how do they know where entrances to other levels are?), why would they deliberately want to spread throughout the Backrooms(I’m guessing you meant survival of their kind, but I believe the less the reader has to answer themselves, the better. If you can explain yourself the entity so well that no one has any questions at the end of it, they will be satisfied information-wise, and more likely to upvote on that account. Always good to tie up loose ends :) ), why would they die upon entering other levels by accident, why would they avoid areas of high human population? Find an answer to these questions, and it would leave readers who are picky about details satisfied(I’m one of those types, just an fyi).

“Beetle swarms will ignore a wanderer if they are already being pursued by an entity or separate beetle swarm.”

To me, I understand why Beetle Swarms would ignore potential prey if they are in danger, but I don’t understand why they would be in danger from an entity(when they supposedly prey on other types of entities, not the other way around), or why swarms would attack each other. Especially considering their natural defenses (firesalt explosions/ignition and difficult to crush by force). Could you explain these things to me?

“Beetles are almost exact copies of the frontrooms counterpart save for the small storage of firesalt in their abdomen4, and the lack of wings”

I just want you to tell me what their main form of transportation is if they don’t have wings. Because you say “The beetle, being a beetle, is not incredibly speedy and can be outpaced at walking speed due to the fact that they do not possess wings.6”, and in the footnote you say they are very bad at swimming, I do not see how swarms would be able to harm each other or catch prey effectively if they don’t stay near humans.vPerhaps give them a little…explosive boost(yes, I know that was a horrible attempt at a joke).
Then you say, “Due to this, it is highly advised against that unless you have firesalt, or some other explosive, that you flee.” Taking into consideration the later statement that the firesalt inside them can’t be exploded prematurely, I don’t quite get how having an explosive material on the body would allow one to protect themselves. If anything, I imagine if a beetle exploded near the firesalt or other material near the wanderer, it would have a rather…impactful force (Really? Another one?) on the body.

“Beetles harbor the unnatural ability to keep the firesalt within them completely innate until ready for use, the firesalt cannot be detonated prematurely while the beetle is alive. However once a beetle has been killed, the firesalt will lose these properties immediately.”

I want you to please explain why they have this ability, why the firesalt can’t be detonated, and how this works.

“While the firesalt is difficult to detonate prematurely, the beetles are quite susceptible to temperature, dying within 19 Co to 40 Co7.”

You contradict yourself here. Decide whether the firesalt inside the beetle can’t be detonated at all(and if it can’t, explain why), or whether it is extremely difficult to do so(also explain why it is difficult). I also want to ask why do these beetles die in high temperatures, and are unable to reproduce in cold ones as effectively(please state at what temperature this effect starts to apply and how it was discoveredof the beetle they captured would probably be the easiest way to explain this).

“Beetle swarms were discovered by an expedition team sent into Level 7, when they came across the mutilated body of a reviook, approaching the body the beetles were seen crawling inside, and promptly attempted to attack the expedition members. All members were able to escape through Level 9 into Level 11 and reported to M.E.G. base beta to report the entity.”

The log/expedition summary (don’t blame you for not wanting to write a whole log with dialogue) doesn’t connect with the above paragraph, so it should probably be separated. I thought at first it was describing the expedition into Level 7, but I soon realized it was for the capture of a single one. Perhaps make a log for the discovery of the beetle swarms, and (if you want to) make another one for the capture of the singular beetle.
Now, focusing on what is actually said in the summary, like I said above, it would help for explanation purposes if the beetle was put into a metal container first that the beetle wasn’t able to escape from(as the M.E.G. would have some idea of their properties), and then have the bug escape from a container it was moved into for testing (for example, a glass or plastic container), or die during testing. I am unsure whether you meant it was a M.E.G. operative who captured the bug or a ordinary wanderer. Please review the log paragraph and let me know.
Looking at the do’s, I find that needing face protection would be unnecessary if the wanderer can escape one by simply walking, and if the face protection (a mask/gas mask, for instance) doesn’t cover all entrances to the body that a beetle can get through, then it is useless(right?). The entity can still get in the body through other means(ears, possibly eyes), so the mask wouldn't be effective. With the dead bodies, I imagine anyone in their right mind would want to stay away from a dead person lying around, but that’s just my opinion.
Everything seems fine with the don'ts.
Now, finally, to look at the footnotes. #1, 2, 3, 4, 7, and 8 are fine.
Looking at #5:
There are no experiment logs to look at, so perhaps get rid of this footnote or consider doing what I suggest about the beetle the M.E.G. captured.
Looking at #6:
Why are they so bad at swimming?
Overall, like I said before, you’ve got a really great concept, and I love the way you kept it clinical throughout the entire article. Do your best to apply the answers to my questions to your article, and I think you’ll have an even better article than you have now.

I will give SPaG critique once you finish tidying everything up. Good luck!
~ Pen

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Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Last edited on 19 Sep 2023 18:32 by PenOrSaber1 Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

Bufo_Bufo 13 Sep 2023 16:42

Thanks! It's nice to know I have someone looking at it.

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~Robert~

Last edited on 13 Sep 2023 16:43 by Bufo_Bufo Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

PenOrSaber1 14 Sep 2023 13:03

Alright, finished up conceptional critique.

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Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Last edited on 14 Sep 2023 13:03 by PenOrSaber1 Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

Bufo_Bufo 14 Sep 2023 13:41

Thank you! You have no idea how helpful this is. It's very helpful to have an outside viewpoint on my article.

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~Robert~

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

PenOrSaber1 14 Sep 2023 13:51

No problem!
And just so you know, I've decided to use this as an example of my best critique in a greenlighter application, so I hope you don't mind. I haven't sent it to anyone yet, but I've selected it as a possibility as one of my examples, so if you care please let me know.
Basically, this means people will be looking at my critique and your article and see if it does a good job of positively adressing it. Imagine someone is giving critique of my critque, and they will use your article as a reference.

---

Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Last edited on 14 Sep 2023 14:08 by PenOrSaber1 Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

Bufo_Bufo 14 Sep 2023 15:26

No, feel free! Your critique is incredibly useful; it'd be the least I could do to help you back!

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~Robert~

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

PenOrSaber1 14 Sep 2023 17:18

Thanks.

---

Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

Bufo_Bufo 14 Sep 2023 17:45

No problem!

:)

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~Robert~

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

PenOrSaber1 14 Sep 2023 18:43

Please tell me when you finish your editing.

---

Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity Article

Bufo_Bufo 14 Sep 2023 20:31

I will.

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~Robert~

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

Bufo_Bufo 14 Sep 2023 22:02

Progress report:
I can no-longer see the bottom half of my article as it is obscured by a wall of text.
Never gonna need a self defense class as nobody will be able to get past this wall of text.
This wall of text is literally the 8th wonder of the world.
3 more of these and I could build a house with text walls.
I haven't seen the sun in days as it is blocked by this wall of text.
Whelp, seems like I'm out of jokes.
-Found out what's causing my writers block, it's this wall of text.-
-haha -I lied >:)
Dude I'm actually going insane.
Almost done!

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~Robert~

Last edited on 14 Sep 2023 22:32 by Bufo_Bufo Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

Bufo_Bufo 14 Sep 2023 22:34

All jokes aside, I'm almost done. Just gonna take a break before adding experiment logs, and expanding expedition logs; should be done by Monday.

Edit: To clarify, it would not take me that long to add experiment logs, I'm just going on vacation, it may be done even sooner!

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~Robert~

Last edited on 14 Sep 2023 22:38 by Bufo_Bufo Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

PenOrSaber1 15 Sep 2023 14:02

👍

---

Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

Bufo_Bufo 20 Sep 2023 13:37

I believe I have fixed most, if not all, of the issues in the article. Ready for the finals!

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~Robert~

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

PenOrSaber1 20 Sep 2023 13:53

Okay, let's get started!

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I was considering doing a second round of conceptional and SPaG critique after we finished this, but I think I'll leave it to an actual greenlighter.

---

Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

Bufo_Bufo 20 Sep 2023 13:54

Sounds good!

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~Robert~

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

Bufo_Bufo 20 Sep 2023 13:56

Quick thing; just wanna say thanks. You really fueled this project, and I genuinely cannot describe how helpful you were. I do not believe I'd be able to complete this without you.
(Still might not be completed but let's be optimistic.
Seriously dude, you tha bomb.)

---

~Robert~

Last edited on 20 Sep 2023 13:57 by Bufo_Bufo Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

PenOrSaber1 20 Sep 2023 14:03

No problem. I saw an article that looked interesting based on the description, saw no one had looked at it, and decided to take a peek. Truly, your article and concept in general has a lot of potential.

---

Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

Bufo_Bufo 20 Sep 2023 14:05

Thank you, I also wish you luck on your greenlighter submission. Your critique is very helpful, and I'd like to see it help more writers get their concepts out there.

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~Robert~

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

PenOrSaber1 20 Sep 2023 14:20

I also wish you luck on your greenlighter submission. Your critique is very helpful, and I'd like to see it help more writers get their concepts out there.

Thanks.

---

Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Last edited on 20 Sep 2023 14:20 by PenOrSaber1 Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

PenOrSaber1 20 Sep 2023 13:54

You've Got More Mail.

“While hunting they will keep to the shadows until they find prey, upon seeing the prey they will attempt to enter any opening into flesh and detonate, killing the beetle in the process.”

This has several independent clauses/ideas that can be broken up here(In other words, it's a run-on sentence). The easiest way for me to correct grammatical errors is for me to take the sentence I’m correcting and put in a quote, tell you why I’m correcting it, and then give you different ways to correct it.
Since I have already given you the reason why I’m correcting this, I will just go ahead and give you suggestions. Let me know if this format is too jumbled up and/or confusing, and I’ll break it up into pieces. I want to make the editing process more easier on you. I apologize in advance if my SPaG critique seems a little harsh, I'm just really straightforward when pointing out errors (as in my opinion, directly pointing out the problem makes it more apparent to the writer).

“While hunting, they will keep to the shadows until they find prey. Upon seeing some, they will attempt to enter an opening in the flesh and detonate, which will kill the beetle in the process.”

“Instances of the entity will keep to the shadows while hunting until they find prey. They will attempt to enter an opening in the flesh upon finding prey, and then proceed to detonate inside them. This will kill the beetle in the process.*”

*You could put this last sentence in a footnote if you deem necessary.

“While hunting, the entity will attempt to enter an opening in the flesh of prey, and detonate, which will kill the beetle and harm their target. While searching for such prey, they tend to keep to the shadows.”

As you can see, I came up with just three different ways to break up your run-on sentence into regular sentences. See if you can come break up the idea yourself. If you can’t, however, it’s okay to pick from one of my examples.

"It should be noted that Beetles pose a real, tangible threat in areas with dense foliage where the ground is not visible, due to their small size and ability to hide."

The comma between "visible" and "due" is not needed here, since you don't need to break up the sentence. It would make a form an independent clause with everything past the "visible" included.

"Beetles naturally avoid any entrance into any sort of level; and reside on the level they are rendered in."

My main main nitpick with this is the use of the semicolon (;). The semicolon is used to connect two related ideas without FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So). Also, it can be used in lists under certain conditions.¹. I would suggest replacing it with a comma, or replacing "and reside" with "They mainly stay in".

"Beetles will immediately self-terminate upon entry into a sublevel, or Enigmatic Levels level where entities are not present; even if there are wanderers on the said level. This does not apply to Normal Levels."

You have some lack of consistency in capitilization of the names of the different types of levels, you repeat levels twice on accident here, and you seem to have used a comma where it is not needed. In my first example below of how to improve it, I just shortened it and combined the simple sentence with the sentence before it.
"Beetles will self-terminate upon entering Sublevels or Enigmatic Levels without entities (even if there are humans in said level), but not in Normal Levels."
"Beetles will immediately self-terminate upon entering levels that aren't considered to fall in the normal category, even if there are humans in said level."
However, you can still keep the same structure you used, with the simple sentence seperate, like this:
"Beetles will immediately self-terminate upon entering Sublevels or Enigmatic Levels without entites, even if there are humans in said level. This does not apply to Normal Levels."
All I did here was remove the parentheses and set off the clause with a comma. You can rearrange the clause to be in the front of the sentence as well, if you wish.

" The reason the beetles avoid high population density areas is unknown, but it is believed that the swarm would diminish faster than it would reproduce."

There is really nothing wrong with this sentence, but I want to suggest, to avoid repetition, you delete "the beetles avoid high population density areas" to "why" and "believed" to a synonym of itself.

"Beetles also tend to avoid areas of high human/entity population, despite their ability to easily kill and consume any wanderer in their vicinity."

My issue with this lies more with the fact that you say that they avoid areas with both high entity population and human population, but then go on to say they do this "despite their ability to easily kill and consume any wanderer in their vicinity." I personally think that it would be better to leave it at they only avoid areas of high human population, or entity population. However, you can also just add on that they also have the ability to easily kill any entity and wanderer, and it would be fine at that.

"Beetle swarms will ignore a wanderer if they are already being pursued by an entity and instead pursue the entity."

You make it seem here that if the beetles are both being pursued and pursuing an entity at the same time, they will ignore a wanderer. While I'm not entirely sure if you meant that, I would suggest just tweaking the sentence to where it makes it clear that if the beetles are already pursuing prey/an entity, then they won't go after humans/another possible piece of prey. (You could add somewhere in their biology that there is something they always do when chasing prey, but that's just an idea)

"How the beetle gains its supply of firesalt is unknown, however, it is believed that they are capable of converting the flesh of their prey into firesalt."

Just to avoid repitition, it would be best to reword this. Perhaps say that although how they do it isn't clear, during testing, the M.E.G. found that the beetles convert the flesh of their prey into firesalt. You wouldn't have to include a testing log, you could just straight up say it.

"Beetles exclusively consume meat because of the high amount of energy stored in flesh, and will take chase over larger prey if presented with multiple choices."

To make this sentence sound better, you can get rid of "take" or replace it with a synonym like "give".

"Much of this indicates that beetles prefer to attack entities over humans, this applies to passive entities and humanoid entities."

The idependent clauses in this sentence don't seem connected here, and the second "this" isn't really made clear to the reader. I say you just leave it at "Much of this indivates that beetles prefer to attack entities over humans", or clarify what you meant by the second half of the sentence (the part past the comma).

"It is believed that beetles possess some sort of hive intelligence as when attacking, a small group will stay back, presumably to ensure the survival of the swarm."

To keep make the tone more clinical here, you can get rid of "some sort of" (as that seems to be the goal you've been trying to achieve throughout your article). After "intelligence", a comma is needed.

"Beetles are almost exact copies of the frontrooms counterpart save for the small storage of firesalt in their abdomen(5), and the lack of wings."

The comma here isn't needed, so you can get rid of it.

"While the main method of attack for a beetle is to explode the firesalt in their abdomen. While their main method of attack is to detonate the firesalt, they also possess the ability to ignite it, which when done in multitudes, can prove dangerous(6)."

You accidentally nearly typed the same thing twice, so I'll just delete the unfinished duplicate and correct the sentence from there. Here's the sentence without the unfinished duplicate:

"While the main method of attack for a beetle is to explode the firesalt in their abdomen, they also possess the ability to ignite it, which when done in multitudes, can prove dangerous(6)."

I do not see an issue with this as it is.

"One notable (unfortunate) similarity is the beetle's extreme resistance to crushing forces."

The "(unfortunate)" part really isn't needed, since you are trying to keep a clinical tone. Unless you truly want to keep it, I think you should get rid of it.

"Because of this, it is highly advised against that unless you have firesalt, or some other volatile substance, you flee."

This really needs to be reworded, since, although I realize you probably meant trying to kill them by stepping on them, or using some other sort of "crushing" method, it isn't made clear by just reading the article. I would say replace "that" with "trying to crush them". Furthermore, I would move "unless you have firesalt, or some other volatile substance" to be the last part of the sentence, in parenthesis, or even in a footnote. That, you break this up into two sentences. The comma after "substance" is also unneeded, since there are only two items in the list.
Since that is a lot of suggestions/instructions, I'll just give you an example of how to do it by breaking it up and rearranging it:
"Because of this, it is highly advised against trying to kill beetles by stepping on them. Unless you have firesalt or some other volatile substance, it is suggested any human who encounters them flee."
"Because of this, it is highly advised against trying to kill beetles by stepping on them, and any human who encounters them is to flee unless they have firesalt or some other volatile substance."
I replaced "you" with "any human" since addressing the reader in a clinical article ruins the tone (or that is what I've been told when writing both argumentative and informational essays).

"The cooler the temperature, the less the beetles seem to reproduce."

While there is no problem grammatically, I have a personal nitpick with it. I just want you to add between "to" and "reproduce" this: "be able to". It lengthens the sentence, and it makes it clear that the temperature is what prevents them from reproducing.

"This is likely a result of more energy being required to keep the firesalt in its liquid state."

I don't think I've mentioned this above, but I really like your creative explanations. Good job.

"When approaching hotter temperatures the beetle is unable to handle the excess heat from the firesalt reacting, and simply defecates a small portion of the firesalt, maintaining the temperature."

Two things: First, I would say replace "maintaining the" with "to maintain an average body". Then I would clarify in the footnotes what that temperature is. I would just say come up with the average temperature of the hottest cold temperature you said that they started reproducing less, and the lowest hot temperature the beetles start discharging (Why is defecate the only formal word for that?) firesalt.

" If the temperature is too high they will lose all reserves of firesalt and any offensive capabilities."

My suggestion here is to just slightly rephrase this to make it sound better. If you replace "is too high" with "reaches (the maximum temperature they can withstand before losing all firesalt)", then it would look and sound a lot better.

"Beetle swarms were discovered by an expedition team sent into Level 21, when they came across the mutilated body of a reviook, approaching the body the beetles were seen crawling inside, and promptly attempted to attack the expedition members. "

This is another long run-on, so I'll just give an example of how to break it up.
"Beetle swarms were discovered by an expedition team sent into Level 21, where they came across the mutilated body of a reviook. Upon approaching the body, instances of Entity (placeholder) were seen crawling inside, which promptly attempted to attack the expedition members."

"During an expedition into Level 21 a M.E.G. agent was able to capture a beetle inside of a plastic container…The light from the ignition alerted several nearby entities, forcing the expedition to be called off. The beetles seem to only use this ability in situations pertaining to getting "through" materials."

I think it would be better to make it clear from the beginning of your sentence that this was an entire team of which a single team member managed to capture a beetle inside a box from the beginning of the summary. Also, since you have "beetles" plural in the second part, the article "The" isn't needed.
Clicking open the experiment logs…Oh, wow. It looks amazing, just in appearance. I like how you've organized everything, and the image fits your description perfectly². Now, back to SPaG critique.

"The beetles do not attempt to escape, and sit idly."

The only issue with this is the comma. Remove it, and it should be fine. It's not needed since this would be an independent clause by itself without the comma.

"Beetles are left for 17 days until the first beetles expire. It takes 13 hours for the remaining beetles to expire."

Since there is some repetition, I would suggest fining a way to combine these sentences, or find a synoynm for expire in the second sentence. Also, you could include before "It" that "Afterwards," to make it clear to the reader that once the first beetles died, it took 13 hours for the rest to expire.

"The beetles do not attempt to escape, and sit idly."

I think you should find a different way to say this instead of repeating it multiple times in your log. Rephrasing could work. Same issue with the comma not needed here.

"A metal container with no bottom containing 10 beetles is dropped into the room. The ceiling hatch is covered."

Pointing out the repitition again here, I just suggest you rephrase it. After all you have already said it twice ; ).

"1 instance of Entity 20 is dropped into the room via the roof hatch."

This correction is just to help the tone. I just suggest instead have the number 1 at the start of the sentence, you put the word "One". If you want, you can put the number 1 in parenthesis like this: "One(1)".

"The remaining beetles are exterminated."

While there is nothing wrong with this, you make it sound like some of the beetles died before the M.E.G. killed them. I would suggest deleting the word "exterminated".

"A metal container with no bottom containing 10 beetles is dropped into the room."

Same thing with the number 10 that I mentioned before with the number 1. Do the same with any numbers you have in your experiment logs.
"1 instance of Entity-62 is lured into the test chamber via the roof hatch. Upon entering the chamber. The beetles show no reaction to the entity or its hostility. "
I think you were in the middle of starting a sentence with "Upon entering the chamber" and then forgot to finish it. I think you could just delete that part and it would fine, unless you feel the need to conclude it.

"The entity also ignores the beetles. The entity immediately approaches the viewing glass."

To avoid overuse of simple sentences and avoid redundancy, you could combine these to be a compound sentence.

"Testing halted until further notice"

You just forgot to include a period here.
Your Do's and Don'ts are fine.

"3. Note: This does not mean they can do trigonometry, or drive cars."

The comma here isn't needed since it would form a simple sentence without the comma.

"7. It should be noted that Beetles are horrendous swimmers, however, they are still capable of traversing watery environments and are capable of surviving without oxygen for several minutes."

This is a run-on. You can just break it up by turning the comma before "however" into a period and capitilizing "however".

"9. However, there have been reports of beetles burning through clothing and skin to create an opening."

To avoid repitition, I suggest you delete "However," and capitilize "there".

Annnnddd….We're done! Or at least, I'm done with critique. Good luck!

Footnotes

1. The connection between the two sentences has to be clear without FANBOYS.

2. _{by the way, I'm going to go ahead and quickly insert this part here asking you to add the license/contributions for that image and the article.}

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Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Last edited on 26 Sep 2023 13:15 by PenOrSaber1 Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

Bufo_Bufo 21 Sep 2023 15:44

Semicolons are hard, I'll just stick to comma spam for now. 8th grade ELA failing me fr.

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~Robert~

Last edited on 21 Sep 2023 15:45 by Bufo_Bufo Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

PenOrSaber1 22 Sep 2023 14:14

You just have to learn how to use them. I suggest using a site like IXL for learning things like that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm going to be taking my weekend break, so I won't be working on this for a bit.

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Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Last edited on 22 Sep 2023 14:15 by PenOrSaber1 Show more

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

Bufo_Bufo 22 Sep 2023 17:39

Sounds good!

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~Robert~

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

PenOrSaber1 25 Sep 2023 13:11

Oh, by the way, can you please not do any edits until after I finish the critique process? I just noticed that you were doing that, and if you edit what while I'm working, it gets confusing for me and you, as I may point out a mistake that is no longer there, or you may make a mistake that I won't point out since you did it after I took a look(although the greenlighter you'll contact would correct it).
It also may look I made a mistake in my greenlight application, when people take a look at my critique. Thanks for understanding.

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Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin

Re: [{Seeking Critique}] Entity

PenOrSaber1 26 Sep 2023 13:15

Ignore my last post, I've finished with critique. Good luck with getting it greenlighted!

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Just a high schooler who thinks he is good at writing. Likes working on a lot of stuff, ranging from writing for the Backrooms Wiki, to providing critique, and reading. ~ Pen.
"The truth is the truth. What changes is what we know about it and what we're willing to believe."
- Jonathan Maberry, Rot and Ruin