While certainly an improvement over the original, this just feels more like a “SPaG correction” of the original page rather than an actual rewrite. The main issue with the original page was how little the page had to offer conceptually. In this page, we still have to deal with 1–2 paragraph descriptions that are just reworded versions of the original page’s paragraphs.
The logs don’t add much—all they do is demonstrate what you just said in the paragraphs prior.
The message feels eerie, but simultaneously, it feels too disjointed and oddly worded for it to have any sort of “horror” impact.
I expected an actual revamp—one that would take this page to new heights. Instead, I feel like what I got was something better, but still not serviceable.
A crucial part of rewrites is not copying the prose of the original. You take the original idea and remake it as your own. If you just copy the prose of a page that didn’t have much good prose to begin with (without adding much more to it), no amount of SPaG revisions can save the page from the mundanity that thus follows.
I can tell you’re trying to build up this concept of electrical disturbance, but in my opinion, this starts picking up much too late in the page and is a little inconsistent tone-wise.