First snipe
Level 15 / Discussion
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to preface this critique, i am going to note i will be commenting almost exclusively on tone, style, and syntax. content-wise, this was intriguing and though i felt there was something deep going on here i am quite frankly stupid and feel as though my comments on the story won't be as valued. i am guilty of misinterpretation.
the only comment i am going to make on the story is that it doesn't necessarily… have a purpose? enric is cool, i suppose at least. despite that, nothing enric does is particularly… interesting? he gets stuck and now survives and gets evaluated through a computer. that's cool and all but it doesn't really go anywhere.
now, style and tone! this piece struggles to find an identity between purely clinical and philosophically intrigued. this piece begins incredibly clinically, providing frame perfect measurements for what is in all honesty a standard laboratory. it's also quite boring. it feels as though i am being told "hey i know you know what a lab is so here's a more in-depth description of a lab." a part about bodies is thrown in for… fucks sake? unless im missing something (which i wont deny is a possibility) the bodies part is just… mentioned for a mystery with no tail. perhaps a metaphor was present within the complex graph, but despite it, i didn't find it.
now, back to tone! the second part of this piece, arguably the portion which would've benefitted most from clinical tone, is pretty absent of it. everything in section 2 feels… unprofessional for what it is confronting. this wouldn't be a flaw in itself, people who are unaware of what exactly they are looking at tend to write as they speak, which honestly sounds like how this sounds.
the tone shift isn't necessarily justified in piece and made the read unsatisfying. if the tones were switched (started off informal then when technobabble arose it became irate), it would've honestly been so much better. this piece is weird for me because when i know something it makes me feel dumbed down to know the stuff i already know, yet when there's stuff that is higher up in comprehension, suddenly i feel like i'm standing next to an idiot who also knows little to nothing? it's… strange. i don't like it.
that's our lamp. i can't comment on content itself but the writing alone justifies my position. -1
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Clunky writing in parts and conceptual elements which lead nowhere make this a downvote from me.
While I agree with YellowISlol to some extent, I think there's more than enough kernels here to grow into quite a robust story. It just needs a second or third pass. Let's help instead of hinder.
There is too much mystery, not enough answers. It's outdated and is never followed up on, as well as being quite unentertaining in terms of tone and flow.
(account deleted)epicgamer and ratif have already stated what i would have
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