Entity-χ, commonly referred to as “The Keymaster”, is an entity of unknown origin.
First sentences are an art all of their own, because they are the basest part of a “first impression.” It’s very likely that someone’s disposition at the end of the first paragraph will largely be colored by the first 2-3 sentences, and that disposition is going to weigh on their impression of the entire work. This is not the best example of a first sentence: it gives barely anything to go off of in terms of tone or appearance in order to get the reader to keep reading. This is less a flaw specifically of this article and more of an issue with this site’s writing overall.
first-hand documentation
I’m not sure what you mean by this. Without first-hand documentation you don’t really have anything in terms of information, not even appearance.
He briefly retains a consistent appearance for a span of time ranging up to several years, before suddenly adopting a completely different appearance for another span of time, ad infinitum up to present.
This is really convoluted. You can simplify a lot:
“He is known to retain a consistent guise for brief, multiyear spans, before adopting a completely different appearance ad infinitum.”
Obviously a good bit dry, but it should exemplify what I mean by “simplify”.
he is a male humanoid figure standing near 6’10", shrouded in a cloak obscuring everything below the top half of his face, with long unkempt wiry hair.
This kinda rules out the “completely” part in “completely different”. I’d use another adjective like “substantially”.
A dark mist of indeterminate properties proceeds the entity's movements at waist height, briefly remaining in trodden locations before dissipating.
The mist detail leans far too much into “edgy OC” territory and doesn’t add anything to the character. I understand it has a practical use later on but… C’mon. Obscure humanoid in strange clothing that covers up most features, and surrounded by dark mist? It’s needlessly edgy without the self awareness that can make it entertaining to read.
For such a powerful being of supernatural nature, the Keymaster strangely possesses a mortal need for sleep.
This grinds my gears a lot. The adjectives used (“powerful being”, “supernatural”) have not been justified yet by any means and they’re just dropped as if the reader already understood these characteristics.
Common hostile entities display a certain degree of intimidation and even reverence towards him, regardless of his demeanor.
Same here for both prior comments. I don’t see how interaction with other entities needs to be addressed at all, or how any other part of his character exhibited in this page complements this. We’ll get to the offset later.
make himself scarce in their presence
From their presence.
Any successfully obtained digital documentation becomes corrupted, and any physical documentation is lost or destroyed under anomalous circumstances.
Ditto to the earlier comments: this feels entirely unnecessary.
Accompanying this subsequent sighting is a change in personality and appearance
The fact that his personality changes hasn’t been discussed before where the change in appearance was established. I get that section was for visuals exclusively, but it’s really awkward to introduce it anywhere else – especially when not introducing it at all and just dropping it here.
The Keymaster's most notable trait is his apparent access to every level key in The Backrooms.
I think the general mid-point of a page is a tad too late to get to the namesake and primary quality behind a character.
This is made further likely by his ability to manipulate the dark mist around him, which could in fact be a swarm of nanites or intelligent molecules.
What in the world gives such a highly specific impression? That’s a completely out-there speculation that is presented as a serious, probable possibility.
He neutralizes his opponents in minimal time, but does not outright kill them, instead "banishing" them elsewhere.
I have no way of describing my issues with this part of the article that doesn’t equate it somehow to other internet fiction that is generally considered risible. I do not intend to call the article risible by proxy, but it must be said that it shares the “cool + ambiguous but ultimately good + edgy and unapproachable + knowledgeable and moral” formula that is typical of poorly written creepypasta/fanfiction OCs.
The key aspect that conveys such a poor feeling is that none of these characteristics respond to any substantial character traits beyond the superficial. They exist for their own sake of coolness rather than being justified. For example, this section:
As per a personal code, he will only allow a wanderer to receive one key ever
… has exactly 0 justification or reason except “he’s like this”. Not even a background reasoning to back it up.
The keys themselves typically take the form of a conventional frontrooms key from the 20th century.
“From the 20th century” spans 100 years of time. This includes the world before the advent of the tank and the Soviet Union, and the world after the Berlin wall fell and computing became a dominant part of human life. You should instead describe a specific artistic style, because there’s a good amount of 20th century keys that are entirely indifferent from 21st century ones.
Similar to when a sunstroke victim dying of dehydration sees an oasis on the horizon of a desert, despairing wanderers at their most vulnerable states will see The Keymaster.
I’m not a fan of the attempt at ambiguity. When all of the description beforehand has cemented him as an unambiguously real character with physical evidence to back it, it’s very difficult to amend one’s mental picture to match this new notion. It should have been incorporated into the earlier parts of the text and been a consistent tone rather than added close to the end. This is also contradicted by the later inclusion of Blanche’s letter.
Speaking of, Blanche’s letter is entirely unnecessary. It only repeats what has been said before in a different font and tone. It gives us nothing new and it even muddles the idea that he is somehow high in the hierarchy of Backrooms entities when Blanche doesn’t even seem know who he is. Once again it’s reminiscent of how novice creepypasta authors of old would cross-over their characters with other famous ones, for whatever reason. It could be done much more tactfully by toning down the “hierarchy” and his description as nearly all-powerful to focus on traits like his memory loss, narcolepsy, and sense of morality instead.
This is a consistent trait that reaches its apex at the offset. It is actively difficult to read when the titular character is constantly touting his own powers and position over humans. It has never been established convincingly that the Keymaster is somehow transcendent of nature or reality in any way, and the continuous attempts at imbuing the character with mystery make the reveal a major letdown that is further weighed down by his treatment of what is very simple and easy information as maddening Necronomicon material.
If the author’s intent was that this would genuinely be forbidden knowledge, it fails at feeling like that. If their intent is instead to show how the Keymaster is high off his own fumes, then it is still annoying to read through rather than flavorful and interesting. This is because there is practically no setup to personally care for the reveal, no attachment to the character to encourage wondering about the ramifications. His treatment of humanity as disgusting and worthy of contempt is also not in line with the sense of protection and morality that the character is described with.
Furthermore, just about everything I’ve said in my critique of the Fandom version applies here as well.
Fandom version critique
LA version critique
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