1. Your story ideas continue to flow very strong!
Even though this tale series is really long, you clearly have everything planned out well. Your story continues to be solid in terms of logic and ideas!
2. You consistently and effectively push your story’s themes.
I love how you use the ‘quieter moments’ like prepping for the party to sprinkle in thoughts and conversations that develop Kyra’s thoughts about life, society (i.e. the M.E.G.) and purpose. This both reminds the reader of the themes of your story and keeps these quieter parts from being boring!
3. Emotional resonance
I don’t care much for the romance sub-plot, but I must admit it’s tonally excellent in part 6.
In part 5, I think because you combined the ideas of “Janice rejected me” and “Janice is a traitor to the MM”, it was not handled very well. You do build up Kyra’s shock from the “I never cared”, but it’s interrupted quite badly by Sully being an idiot and then by Ronald. Partly because of the dialogue boxes, we don’t see much of the reaction from the second shock that Janice appears to be a traitor.
But in part 6, the emotions shine excellently. You start off with Kyra’s despair, use Janice’s writing to spin things around entirely, and then turn that renewed hope into a sense of determination. You describe Kyra’s thoughts and changes in emotion very realistically and fluidly, with excellent tone and pacing.
1. Dialogue boxes often limit you.
I noticed the dialogue boxes were a bit restrictive on pacing and immersion. Because you can only put mostly dialogue in the boxes, sometimes there is not enough description of other details to create a clear picture of what things look like.
For example, I think you could have done the part with Ronald a bit better! You should have broken out of the dialogue box to describe more. Here’s what I thought was missing:
- Description of how injured Ronald looked, burnt skin etc. He should look shocking (pun intended) to show readers how unexpected this was for Kyra and the Maidens!
- It’s good practice to remind readers that Ronald is from the Electroscape strike team, not just a random guy. You should at least have Amanda or Evangeline mention, “That’s Ronald from the strike team. But I thought the mission was a success? Wait… that would mean…” or something like that.
- You could have drawn out the suspense further. Have Ronald struggle to speak, then finally point at Janice and painfully choke out “You did this.” Then mention how the crowd gasps and stares and shrinks away from Janice.
2. SPaG continues to be a problem
Keep working on it! I’ve included a helpful tip below.
You seem to have trouble with this.
Has/have is for when something started in the past, but still continues.
Had is for when something started in the past and ended in the past.
Example:
Incorrect: You had given me a new view, and that's with me and you. ❌Correct: You have given me a new view, and that's with me and you. ✅
(The new view continues till today!)