Leo Castellos / Discussion

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This is the discussion related to the wiki page Leo Castellos.

Nice!

Kai4C 21 Jul 2021 00:06

SPaG

He appears to be in his 30s, despite his true age.

I rewrote the existing description of myself, and I would really prefer if you keep my writing of leave what I’ve written on this page as it is.

I don't much knowledge with really know how to use computers.

That one was merely just a prototype; you may use the newer version I included later in this page.

First things first, I'm sorry for…

I'm not a photogenic person, and I did not like the photo they used for of me that you’ve used here. I find photos of space to be more fascinating than photos of people, anyways.

I would formally introduce myself, but

fell into "The Backrooms", as you people seem to call it.

They Given my age, it probably were was years, actually if I'm being totally honest. (Not the best expression to use here, why would he lie about something like this lol)

With no set direction on idea of what to do with my new life, OR With no set direction on in what to do with my new life,

I decided that studying these entities would be a worthy endeavor. I'd love to go into all my notes and observations, but it would clutter up this page, so I won't.

Life finds a way here. A way that I don't understand

My museum is classified as has been designated Level 222, if you want to come and visit.

I've poured my heart and soul into my studies, and I hope

Some of my close friends stop by sometimes, and, on occasion, a meetings between The Lost Suns and Legions meet occur in my gallery.

but you can often find me commonly in around Level 11. Many of your people have considered seem to consider me to be a "chill" person, as they put it.

affiliated with The Lost… kinda sort of.

Society*,** as you would expect,

I’ve also decided that I would give leave a template of my entity notes incase in case anybody reading this file is interested in studying these beings creatures. I Would love to seeing what all of you discover!

If you ever do need help with your research of entities or discover new ones, just head on down to my museum. I would love to discuss it with you!

I enjoyed this!! Leo seems like a cool guy.

SPaG aside, I think the flow could be improved.

For example, you never really explain what sparked his fascination with entities very clearly. You simply say that he took interest one day. I think you could’ve included an anecdote where he recounts an encounter that piqued his interest!

“After a long day…” this paragraph also sticks out a little oddly, because you don’t clearly indicate to readers that you’re explaining Leo’s relation to Level 222.

Would have loved some references to ancient Greek culture too! Seems like there’s parallels that could be drawn with the physician Galen.

My personal rating

Content breadth: 8/10
Logic & idea development: 9/10
Structure & organization: 7.5/10
Tone & immersion: 7/10
SPaG: 6.5/10
Total score: 38/50

Last edited on 21 Jul 2021 08:25 by Kai4C Show more

Re: Nice!

DrBobtail 26 Jul 2021 20:35

SO MANY SPAG ERRORS :(((

Anyways, thank you for pointing them out and I did fix them!

Re: Nice!

Kai4C 27 Jul 2021 09:42

Cheers! The article’s better 😁

I actually disagree with Kitty Rika on the Lost affiliation aspect. As much as it doesn’t totally fit the Goicon, I think there’s many advantages to having Leo be someone who left the Lost. One distinct aspect of the Lost is their mysteriousness, which can be difficult to balance with giving your reader enough info to be captivated. Writing from the perspective of an ex-Lost gives opportunity for in-depth knowledge while retaining in the Lost a sense of separation and ‘distance’ from readers.

Personally, I found the breadth of content in this page modest but sufficient, because I was assuming we’d have further entity articles by Leo to flesh out his character!

I would be happy to crit if you decide to rewrite! Hmu at Kai4Christ#2063 if ya do!

rika's flowery commentary

Kitty Rika 21 Jul 2021 07:15

This article just doesn't do it for me for two key reasons: first, the amount of SPaG errors in this article, and the inconsistency of the character's narration and tone.

I caught at least twelve spag errors before I was halfway through the article. I feel like this article could have really benefitted from more critique before it was posted. The amount of SPaG here made reading this very choppy, further exacerbated by the inconsistent tone.

To me, it doesn't really feel like you have a solid grasp on who this POI truly is. The reason for that it is because his dialogue switches back and forth from several different styles. It's casual at some points, seeming comfortable in day-to-day modern conversation. Then, it's overly formal and icily stuff. Then, it's calm and composed, but still welcoming. Then, it's outdated and "is this what the kids nowadays are up to?"

It feels like there are like four different separate people writing this article. If you asked me what this guy's personality was, there's too many conflicting tonal cues for me to give you a definite answer. Overall, he feels like he's still in the conceptual phase. I've already read several entries just like him, and so he doesn't really feel unique to me, either.

Another thing of note is that it feels like the Lost reference was very contrived. If you completely removed his affiliation with the Lost, he would not transformitavely change as a character. This is a red flag that the actual Lost backstory part of the article, which is supposed to be strong in order to tie the article to GOICON, is actually not very effective. If I didn't know this was for GOICON, and I looked at this from the perspective a new reader, I would be very confused about the purpose of the Lost reference. I would wonder why it couldn't just be removed.

There are also some logical inconsistencies, such as him knowing what fun facts are but not knowing what chill means. It also feels like you tried to emulate the Blanche formula in that you made him really like scones. The problem is, this article is so short and with so little supplementary substance that there's no foundation for him to build up all these loveable foibles upon.

There's also a plethora of salient dead ends here in terms of storytelling. He replaces his picture with a picture of space, but never goes in depth about why he likes space. Why didn't he put his profile as a picture of scones? Why is he named Leo Castellan, and how did the M.E.G. find him? What's the history you teased at with his previous contributions? These roads lead to nowhere as of now, and overall this article leaves a lot to be desired.

Re: rika's flowery commentary

DrBobtail 26 Jul 2021 20:45

This article just doesn't do it for me for two key reasons: first, the amount of SPaG errors in this article, and the inconsistency of the character's narration and tone.

Fixed the SPaG errors Kai mentioned, but I do agree with you on the inconsistency.

From the conceptual level, Leo never was a solid idea. I had plans for some "entity museum" for a while now and decided to put it in goicon.

If you completely removed his affiliation with the Lost, he would not transformitavely change as a character.

This was one of my biggest concerns with Leo. He really doesn't need to be a part of The Lost, but I added it to the story for goicon. I'm planning on possibly making a tale explaining this so that might clear it up.

It also feels like you tried to emulate the Blanche formula in that you made him really like scones.

Not my intention, but I can for sure see the parallels between the two.

Why didn't he put his profile as a picture of scones?

If I put the profile picture as a scone, it would have been redundant to have the other image within the article also be of scones.

He replaces his picture with a picture of space, but never goes in depth about why he likes space.

Why is he named Leo Castellan

These two actually tie in with each other. There is a constellation called Leo and I decided that putting his picture as space could be a reference to this. In hindsight, I probably should have made it be the constellation. Why he is named Leo Castellos, idk I thought it sounded cool lmao.

As always, you provide amazing feedback and I might rewrite Leo after the contest!

Dr Bierre 19 Dec 2021 04:28

"Why is the header for this titled Behaviors? I'm not some animal, I'm a person."

hell yeah bro speak your truth +1

Perra HonIt 09 Aug 2022 14:50

Oh my god I'm just translating it and it is rewritten?
I have to do it again:(