The Splinter but epic
+1
The U.E.C. / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page The U.E.C..
this is splinter except not the splinter and actually good
would give +5 if i could
will be using
- random bitch on wikidot
9-10/10 = Excellent!
7-8/10 = Good!
5-6/10 = Ok.
3-4/10 = Bad.
1-2/10 = Terrible…
0/10 = Awful…
Idea
Creativity: 6/10
The idea of a group that splintered away from the original main group for unethical and inhumane purposes isn't anything new, and we've seen it done before in other media. Credit where credit is due, their methods and their goals are different than the CO, so it's good to see that you're making an effort to stray away from said idea.
Expansion on the idea: 6/10
An effort was made to expand on their premise and ideas. The inclusion of the teams' jobs and the bases of operations is a welcome one. With that being said, I would've liked to see more expansion on the idea of this article. Just who are the overseers1 of this group? What examples can be given on their tech other than a brief mention of why it is being worked on? What other prominent members are there of this GOI?
Intrigue: 7/10
Intrigue was definitely built here what with the various mentions of the different bases, incidents pertaining to them, etc. However, none of that intrigue is resolved, especially when speaking of the founding of the splinter. If you're going to drop a bomb like that, at least try your best to expand more on said idea. Mentioning the tech once more here, you could definitely build intrigue by making a list like you did for levels..
Worldbuilding: 8/10
Nothing special is done here other than actually give the splinter a motive, actual goals, a directive. It's all the basic stuff that the original article did not have. As such, I'm giving this an 8 because that's literally the bare minimum requirements of a GOI done right haha.
General Writing:
Execution: 5/10
This is where my crit is gonna get a bit iffy. The execution of the idea is… ok to say the least, nothing exceptionally special is done with them, but nothing really wrong is done either. My main gripe with this section is that the group feels a bit one-sided as it is now. Without people to represent the movement, it seems like a faceless company. Furthermore, that soullessness and disregard towards entities feels superficial in a way, as if they're doing it all out of a need to be evil for the sake of being evil rather than for their supposed "goals". They are also way too obviously the bad guys: If your GOI hub literally speaks about their civilians and members as if they were cattle, then they'd have some explaining to do yes?.
However, all this may have been the intention which I'm missing, so I wouldn't exactly detract any points on this. Overall, I feel like the execution could've been better with some more worldbuilding, similar to what I suggested earlier.
SPaG: 3/10
Here's an example of why I rated this aspect so low
They are responsible for organizing the greatest minds to graciously handpick the most mentally beneficial media to feed the hungry minds of our residents.
No spelling mistakes are present here, but the sentence is very choppy, particularly the beginning. I had to re-read this part about three times to understand the job of the Overseers.
Truly the backbone of our mission aren't they?
Lots of missing commas throughout the article, here being a prominent one. It makes the article seem robotic.
These are just some examples I found on a whim, but the SPaG issues detract from the experience a lot, especially immersion.
Structuring and formatting: 5/10
Also not a fan of this one. Level 831's bullet point is missing, the censored parts are a bit unneeded, some lack of spacing makes some parts of the page look clunky. There's also a lack of the normal tales/articles section of this GOI (Although that may be added in a future date when there are more articles or?). It could be made to look neater for sure.
Did I enjoy reading this?
Yes
Overall verdict:
Compared to the previous Splinter page? This is definitely an improvement. The actual semblance of a story is much appreciated compared to what we used to have in this thing's place. With that being said however, as it is only a hub without much expansion and the such on the topic, it feels a bit barren and empty as it currently is. I understand that yes, it is a hub, so not much can be done to spoil the story without giving the reader an incentive to read on (If everything is laid out to you in this article, why would you read on? Which in this case has been avoided, because you don't give out too much info).
Don't get me wrong, this is something that a lot of GOI hubs fall under in terms of the hub in itself, so you did a good job in explaining the basics of this thing. However, there is a reason why GOIs need a lot of articles to get onsite; without them, as it currently is with all the things which I have mentioned above, this article is a bit lacking in substance, which it would have if more articles existed. Novoting this because it is a hub, so it is expected that the quality may be a bit off due to the (current) lack of other info.
Footnotes
1. Apart from Cedric, who is mentioned only once.
There are roads,
a samurai must travel…
Disclaimer: The use of terms like "colonies" is to reflect the in universe view of the U.E.C, and should not reflect the author's views or other writers if they wish to contribute to writing about the U.E.C. This GOI is an oppressor and should be presented as such.
in universe —> in-universe
comma after “oppressor”
“or other writers” what? That’s phrased really oddly.
These poor standards are the hearth of our cause and we wish to bring an end to such treachery.
Comma after “cause”
Unfortunately Diana no longer shares our vision and has since made the decision to leave the U.E.C. to pursue an alternative path in life.
Commas after “unfortunately” and “vision”
She will be missed but a part of her still remains.
Comma after “missed”
Our gracious leaders stand tall against the tyranny of of uncertainty.
“Of” is repeated twice
Our soldiers are selected by our gracious leaders to carry out the most dangerous missions, led by our elites who have proven themselves to truly be closest to understanding our vision.
“Truly” has a very odd placement here, it probably should’ve been before “proven”
The H.D.F. is the domestic protection of the U.E.C. Here serve to protect you, from ravenous entities to our sworn enemies; our home guard.
“Here” shouldn’t be capitalized since the period isn’t ending the sentence, just marking an abbreviation
The comma after “you” is unnecessary
This entire part is all over the place. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be one sentence or two, it’s just very oddly phrased and probably should’ve been completely revised to flow better. I would’ve written it something like this:
The H.D.F. is the domestic protection and home guard of The U.E.C. They are here to serve and protect members from ravenous entities, human enemies, and any other threats by any means necessary.
The most gracious and brave among us choose to apply and become an HDF operator and swear their lives for our cause and our people.
Why is it spelled “H.D.F.” previously, but here it’s “HDF”?
operator and swear —> operator, swearing
Bravery at its finest isn't it?
Comma after “finest”
I expect no less from them and hope by now we can up production by whatever d### metric those brainiacs had in mind soon.
Comma after “them”
So far operations to colonize Level 283 have been a success and the prisoners will be a fine addition to our Mirth Line.
Comma after “success”
No entity is truly safe and it is the destiny of man to triumph over all for sake of peace.
Comma after “safe”
Note: The main issue of the SPaG was the extreme lack of commas, and it was very noticeable among the whole article.
Concept:
Ok, so Argon pretty much said all I needed to say about this part. Compared to what the Splinter/UEC used to be? It’s infinitely better. A concept by itself? It’s definitely been done before, but I’m glad you were able to take that concept and add a pinch of originality. You did a great job expanding this from “evil M.E.G.” to a group founded on the ideals of someone who feels they were wronged by them. It’s definitely a huge improvement.
Execution:
There are quite a few things I think could’ve been done better when approaching this. First off, the hub itself is not really very detail-oriented. As Argon said, you did a good job with the bare minimum, but didn’t really go much further than that. I notice a lot of goi hubs typically have like a goals and motivations section, important people, and other things like that, but it feels like all of that was kinda squeezed and jammed into the description section, which made it feel relatively barren. Considering how many SPaG errors are present, it feels like this was severely under-critiqued, and that’s why the attention to detail is so barren here. Generally, I wasn’t a big fan of how this was approached in general, and it left a lot of questions. I think a good goi hub explains the group well, and does a good job acting as a *hub*, but this more just feels like a UEC member gloating about how they’re better than the M.E.G. Overall, I think this could’ve used way more detail and expansion as a stand alone article.
Did I enjoy reading this?
I enjoyed reading about the concept, but the SPaG made it difficult to read, along with leaving me downright confused in some parts.
Final Verdict
Given the fact that this feels very under-critiqued, is lacking on details, is written in a somewhat confusing way, and overall doesn’t feel very satisfying to read, I will be respectfully downvoting this. I think the idea was spot on, and the rewrite was much needed, but as a stand alone article, the writing feels pretty lacking to me.
-1
I do think the Backrooms needs more groups like this; just people who are cruel and prey on the weak state of scared people in this equally cruel place
There's more missing commas here than in a 3rd grade essay, and it distracts from an otherwise decent GOI.
It feels very uninspired, novote from me.
/forum/t-14145184/the-u-e-c#post-