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Written by Nikuchan
Fengári, avatar of Thoughts
Since the day I was created, I was told one singular thing.
"Maintain the balance, at any cost. Do not lose your greatness."
In my first years of existence, I did not grasp this concept to its fullest. I was young and naive.
I had no understanding of emotions, or what others could normally feel – and yet I felt no need to experience them anyway. If one were to raise a bird without wings, it would have no wish for flight.
Such was how I progressed through my existence. Yet deep down, I always knew that there was something that differentiated me from my peers. The more the years passed…the more I understood.
From my friends, I came to learn of feelings such as laughter and sadness. I could understand them, but not feel them. Despite it being so close in reach, I was not ready to take this big step, to be like them.
Until I met her – the beginning of everything. She found me alone underneath a tree and sat by my side, reading the papyrus script I held with glee. It was one of my written poems, and she complimented it, praising my skills.
She asked me to write more, and so I did, and after each poem came a sweet smile and a soft compliment. She lightly placed her hand on top of mine, and told me…
"You will be a great writer one day."
I felt her delicate skin against my repulsive body, and for the first time, I felt my heart beat. Heat filled my face and light filled my eyes.
I felt emotions, and I took that step to finally, willingly feel love.
After she came into my life, there was never a moment where I wanted to be alone. She awakened unknown feelings within me. I flew after her like a bird who just discovered flight, and she awaited me for each step.
Soon, I learned many other emotions. I began searching for what was new, craving what I had been deprived of since creation. Friendship, playfulness, and curiosity.
I often got lost in her pink eyes which made my stomach tie in knots, her singing voice which inspired me to write so many things, and her laughter which filled me with joy.
Her laughter was all I wanted to hear. Mine was not so beautiful, yet she would always insist otherwise. She never saw me as an empty and pitiful being, not did the rest in our circle.
I got lost in this new blissful life, wishing that I could keep this happiness close to my heart, how foolish I was.
Though I was foolish to have believed that I had any choice to embrace that which I had been denied, to have thought that I could lead a peaceful existence in control of myself. I was foolish to have thought we could start a family together, that I could take care of my son and watch him grow up…the child that never got to form until centuries later: Fygí. Everything fell apart, and now I am but mere a husk.
I discovered that the thoughts belonging to others in my mind were becoming corrupted and strange. I did not understand what could cause such an imbalance… not until the day I awoke from the false dream I crafted for myself. When the true insanity of my creator revealed itself.
She had to see that terrible side of me, the side my creator forces upon me as an avatar of Thought… they made me hurt her, controlled my body like it wasn't my own.
When she pressed her lips on mine for the last time in our union as soulmates, I felt excruciating agony. It was my punishment for all those years of mistakes. The thoughts began erratically traveling my mind, and I fled and hid.
Imbalance was caused because of me. Because I dared to live.
That is when they came to me, with their piercing gaze and otherworldly form, scolding me for being such a fool. A fool that was built to feel nothing so that no thoughts would get affected by feelings and irrationality. I was a tool as I was told, without any form of hyperbole. I could not love, I could not cry and I could not be happy, for such things would sow disorder and imbalance. It would cause suffering for everyone, with erratic and incomprehensible thoughts.
My life ended that day, because I do not consider myself alive any longer. No living being can endure centuries of nothingness and torture.
Forcefully stripped of an identity, I became a sculpture molded to the desires of its crafting hand, no matter how much I refused and attempted to flee this fate…
She suffered, and I couldn't be there for her, I was trapped and kept like a puppet. Our love that lasted for so long could not continue like this, not when my puppeteer punished me by making me harm her in a frenzy.
I let go of her, of the product of our love, of those I cared for, and I became a hollow shell without any reason to fight. I endured the consequences of my first attempts at rebelling, painful torture and punishment.
I cannot die, and I cannot run, because no matter what, I shall be forced to resume my duty once again. If I were to endlessly sleep, then I would never have to suffer again.
Every bit of my personality was burned off, my heart torn out and put on display as a sign of weakness and impurity.
I drowned my sorrows in nectar, so much that I wished for it to replace my ichor and purge my mind of thoughts in the spiral of drunken bliss. But no matter how much I drank, the pain would never leave me.
Every time one of my friends would try to help me, I would come close to giving in and accepting it… only to be painfully punished and forced to harm them. I could not bear it anymore, and so I hid…
I hid in this forsaken temple, where nobody will come, and so yet another prison for me was made.
Not even the blissful endless sleep could save me, because then another would replace me, and I could never let someone suffer as I did.
No matter what plan I devise, there is no exit, because whatever I will do… they will find a way to instill fear and guilt into me. And it will continue endlessly.
My soulmate, I will never be able to give her a peaceful life, I will never be able to be with my friends the same way as before.
And so I let them go, for the sake of easing their pain and giving them a chance to live a peaceful life, without this abomination, without suffering, because of my inability to escape.
The story will continue, no matter if I hide or not.
The fate of a God always ends in sorrow.
And I remain in this silent room.
For the sake of the multiverse.
For the sake of existence.
True balance shall be achieved.
This is the will of Ada'ru, the great mind.
Impurity shall be eradicated.