Entity 197 - "Jazzheads"
rating: +18+x

Right lads, let's get a bit creative for the nice folks from that explorer group 'ere. Gimme a 5/4 groove, let's shake this house up boys.

JH

Ayup, that's me over there, Cap'n One.

Entity number: 197

Habitat: The Hotel.

Yeah, me n' the lads have been going about places together for the past… uh…

Shit, Two, wouldja mind tellin' me how long we've been going about together again?

Right, ye, forty-seven years. T'was nice to travel 'round the word with the crew, we got ta meet some pretty incredible people on our travels. But like, sometimes ye just gotta do a wise decision ta get far in life, and for us, that meant settin' our roots here in this wacko enterprise.


Okok; picture this right? We're just going about in our tour bus right? Y'know how it is with like, semi-famous people just renting tour buses to go tour or whatever; yeah, we did that at some point as well. Suffice to say it resulted in our demise near the end of our trip, which, y'know, sucks a lot.

Still pissed at the fact that I didn't even get to see that chick from Montreal again. Damn shame.


I'm always attached to my double bass over 'ere, mighty proud o' this old girl, she's served me for a while now and I wouldn't want any other instrument ta replace 'er. Mainly cause it's me head, but ya probably get the gist.

Where I got me instrument? Hah, ye can ask all of us that same thing: We've got no bloody clue. When Squidward first got us into this place, on the very first day on the job, they just sorta appeared where our heads used to be, and we like, immediately knew how to play them. Don't ask; it just seemed natural at the time, albeit a bit odd too. Still feels a bit odd ta this day ta be quite honest with ye.


How'd we get to The Hotel? Oh man, 'at's a good one. As Three explained ta ya, we'd gotten offed by the accident, n'like, we was demons or whatever; craziest stuff right there. I always knew I was destined for hell, though the boys deserved better than 'at.

We spent like four years goin' about d'real world causin' mischief in bars n'places — Jazz don't stop when ya die, it's eternal poppet — Until one day, we was no longer in the real world, and we all found ourselves in this ol' hotel. T'was like the one we used ta play in actually. This is where our story gets interesting.


Can I see things like you do? 'Course I can, My head bein' a sax don't stop me from being like ye, y'know?

Can I play the sax well? Duh, I'm a musician, not a moron. I've been taught at th'finest schools ye could think of. Didn't stop me from stickin with these morons though.

Can I… wha? What kinda question is that? I'm a monster, not a fool, course I can read sheet music! Just gotta… Uh… Which one's tha treble clef again?


Yeah, I know most of the other goons in this place live only for this hotel and shit, but I'm not that one sided; I'm actually quite fond of my habanero plant and makin' salsa. I also play the piano occasionally. My head may or may not be a drumkit, but I'm much more fond of the piano than this ol' thing.

Oh, yeah, my head. I'm kinda the odd one outta the bunch here, I don't gotta touch me head to play it like the rest of these suckers do, check this out!

Yeah, I see that ya like what you see eh? How about we- Wah, no? Sheesh, you don't have to be so rude 'bout it.

Now I owe Four a nice wad o' cash, damnit.


Anyways, The Boss — No, I ain't gonna call 'im squidward, I quite like me ability ta speak — Lad just came up to us after we'd been movin' bout tha hotel for a while and asked us if we wanted to join his group of workers and whatnot. Told us to come up with an idea for a gig we could do to get more of those poor sods who fell for his shit under his wing. It's… a bit complicated, I ain't gonna stress ya with the details.

No, even if you have all day, I won't do it. I don't feel like it.

Oh yeah, I had to suck yer soul whilst you were listenin' to us play, s'cuse us if we didn't live up to that expectation, I guess.


Momma always said to try ma hardest with the passions I pursued. Said if I tried me hardest, I'd become one with my passion, a whole fusion of man and love for 'is craft. Momma was a good lass.

Well, safe ta say she was right. I'm part man and part double bass now, so I've become one with me passion as she said I woulda. Does get hard holding me own head though sometimes.

I needta lose some weight…


I'm gonna be honest, I really don't like the rest of the staff here. Well, I don't like this place in general to be honest with ya, but I hate the folks here particularly. Most of 'em are stuck-up pricks, good for nothin' but what they work 'ere for. Except for that comedian guy. Xe's pretty chill, you should come when xe does his comedy nights. Xe kills me…

I mean, I can confidently say 'at there's one thing 'ere that's swell for sure, and it's these suits we get ta wear. I've always loved me a fine-tailored suit, and we get ta wear 'em all the time here. It's me dream come true!


Look, I'll be honest with ya, when we first came 'ere and walked up to Big Man's office, we truly had planned to devour tha souls of all those who heard us play.

Our whole shtick for this all wus supposed to be that ye'd never want to leave th'bar when we got on, and then we'd eventually just up 'n absorb ye right there and then, just like that. And for our first performance, we actually did try ta do that.

But, ya can ask me 'n the boys about it all ya want, we're all gonna tell ye the same thing: Having people moved by yer performance in front of ye to the point of tears makes you think different; t's beautiful. I'm tellin' ya sweetheart, ya ain't ever lived till ye seen that kinda stuff.


Ugh, don't get me started on that dumb fool's security measures and shit. It's so unnecessary to have all that surveillance around this place. What're we gonna do? Steal shit? We're bound to this place anyways, not like we got a way to use it.

Uh, we actually are breaking the rules. We haven't really taken a life yet, which is like, our job, so we'd be in deep shit if we were ever caught. Thankfully, Cap's found a way to trick the old fool into thinking we're doing our jobs or whatever. Says he's made some detours to uh, somewhere else. Didn't specify where though.

Say, you look familiar… Have we, uh…

I'm just messin' with ya, ha! Oh gosh, gets you lot every time, there's no overarching plotline here, we're just a bunch of guys who like jazz! That's literally our entire thing love, we're music-headed people… instrument-heads… jazzheaders? Eh, whatever, coin it whichever way ya want.


Cap's a cool bloke. I'm pretty sure 'e's like, a few decades older than tha rest of us, but th'geezer's got some admirable talent. I admire his ability to keep us composite when we get inta quarrels and shit, so there's that.

He also plays a mean trumpet solo. I couldn't do that in a thousand years… unless I practiced a lot. It's just that I play tha sax, I'm good at that. Dunno jackshit about the trumpet, and quite frankly, I don't wanna know.

Anyways, wanna hear me do a solo? I can do George Michaels, Grover Washington, that guy from Eurovision; ye name it, I'll do it.


Y'know, I always hated tha line-up for classical orchestra. I actually used ta play for a suite at some point, but I quit afta' they gave me Canon in D's cello part ta play when tha cellist was sick, which repeats the same set of notes for fifty-four times.

It's not even for tha double bass, 'at's just sick. I can't enjoy that piece of music anymore for the life of me.


Eugh, I gotta go now. I'll just finish this mug o' ale 'n get onto tha next gig. Hope this whole thing helped a bit in whatcha tryna do, t'was a pleasant chat.

An exit? Ah, ye, try ta find an open hole in a wall painted with trees and tha such. That should lead ya to that bridge world, safest place ye can go from 'ere.

Anyhow, safe travels lass, Hope ta see ye at one o' our gigs soon enough.

Right boys, back ta action now. Coltrane changes in four, let's go…


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