Entity 191

DOCUMENT ZX-08-A

This document is an amplification of another, describing the extranormal entities associated with a specific dimensional sublocus. For information regarding the environment these exoforms inhabit, refer to SCREDnet document ZX-08 "The Office".

SALARYMEN

Entity OF1. All sketches in this document provided by field researcher Austin Fitz, Entities Department, Laboratory Two.

Entity OF1, or the “Salarymen” as a particularly witty member of my team has coined them, are the most numerous xenoform encountered within Office spaces. They are the only species that have ever appeared in groups large enough to be called ‘crowds’, making up approximately 95.2% of all Office-associated entities observed to date, if our statistics are accurate.

APPEARANCE - The Salarymen appear largely human, with only significant deviations occurring in the cranial region. To wit, they do not have heads. Through some process believed to be extranormal in nature, the necks of the Salarymen are all cleanly severed at approximately the laryngeal level, and some object has been affixed in place of the head. The objects in question are various in the extreme, but have almost always included head-size things of mundane origin. Some examples observed thus far are -

computer monitors (sometimes operational, despite power and signal cables not being connected to anything)
smaller televisions (always CRT in variety and occasionally operational, see above)
a toaster (operational)
a microwave oven (operational)
portable air compressor (constantly operational, for some reason)
electric kettle (empty)
rice cooker (smoking, presumably due to malfunction from being left on),

and others. Occasionally¹ a Salaryman’s head will be an object that is ungainly or in rare cases too heavy for the individual to remain upright and mobile, such as large fax machines, computer towers, box fans, or entire filing cabinets.

Apart from their unusual heads, the Salarymen are visually human. There does not appear to be any preference for body type, sex, or skin color. This means that, yes, despite their humorous but woefully inaccurate informal moniker, OF1 entities can appear female, and do so almost exactly half the time. They are always dressed in clothing that could be termed “business casual”, i.e. slacks, skirts, shoes of professional style, and collared/buttoned shirts/blouses. Notably, Salarymen never appear wearing ties or jackets and never wear the color black - this is believed to be related to the appearance of another entity (see section Managers, below).

BEHAVIOR - When observed in situ, the Salarymen are usually occupied with what my field team have coined “busywork”. As they only appear in areas where Office infestation is highly developed, they are afforded a great amount of space and equipment, and the Salarymen will use this to perform tasks that mimic those one might see in any white collar workplace setting. It should be emphasized that these behaviors are not quite mirrored, however. They act like office workers, but the tasks they perform are often spurious and purposeless. Here is a short list of examples seen so far:

Using a blank piece of paper at a copy machine to produce hundreds of completely blank “copies”, then returning the “copies” to the copier’s loading tray and repeating the process
Composing brief hand-written memoranda, sealing them in a stack of envelopes, then distributing the “mail” to all other OF1 xenoforms in the area. Recovered letters have contained messages such as “YOU ARE GETTING PROMOTE AND RAISE FOR GOOD WORK”, “KEEP UP THE GOOD JOB”, “I LOVE MY COWORKER”, and “WE ARE WORKING THE HAPPY AND JOB WE ARE HAPPY FOR BEING TOGETHER WORKING”
Preparing and activating a coffee maker, waiting for the coffee to be finished brewing, immediately pouring the fresh coffee into the sink, then repeating
Typing on a computer’s word processor, but the document is a nonsensical string of random characters or, in rare cases, a single word or phrase typed repeatedly. Examples have included “WORK”, “AT THE END OF THE DAY”, “DROPPED THE BALL”, “I LOVE FINANCES”, “CLOCK IN CLOCK OUT”, and “HAHAHAHA”
Holding “meetings” in any available spaces that can be used as a “conference room”, wherein one OF1 entity will give a presentation to a seated audience of other OF1s. The OF1 conducting the presentation will silently “speak” to the assembled group, including body language such as hand gestures. Frequently there is also an accompanying slideshow produced in a computer program similar to Microsoft PowerPoint. The content of these slides varies, but some have included pictures of kittens, animated text on a blank field that reads “INCREDIBLE BUSINESS!!!!”, an upward-trending line graph whose axes read “VERY GOOD” and “YES”, and highly complex technical schematics referencing unknown machinery. The audience of OF1s enthusiastically applauds at the end of each of these meetings, regardless of content.

Salarymen entities ignore humans in nearly all circumstances. They do not appear to care or even acknowledge when a human attempts to interrupt their tasks - they will simply try to maneuver around the impediment and continue working. They do not retaliate if attacked, however it is absolutely imperative that Salarymen are never removed from their workplace or subjected to physical harm, under any circumstances. (See section Janitor, below.) It is still unclear if this non-interaction is due to a decision, some sort of more basal conditioning, or because Salarymen are incapable of perceiving us for some reason.

There is one known exception to the Salarymen’s ignorance of us. Rarely, if a human is in the vicinity, a Salaryman will stop working and approach them. It will then disengage its head from its body and hold the object out to the selected person, as if offering it to them. If the person takes the object, the Salaryman collapses, apparently lifeless. If the object is not taken, the Salaryman will follow its selected human, refusing to return to its work until its target takes the object or leaves the Office area, whereupon the Salaryman will replace its head and resume working. None of us have come to a definitive explanation for this behavior. Several of these objects have been taken to Laboratory One for testing, but none of them have displayed observable extranormal properties.

All in all, SCRED has assigned OF1 “Salarymen” an Extranormal Entity Threat Rating of 2. They are not intrinsically dangerous, but can lead to dangerous situations if interacted with improperly and should be left to their own devices. Citizens are advised to keep away from any Salarymen within the Slam City limits and report any sightings to SCRED immediately, as while the Salarymen are not an immediate threat, they precede one that cannot be permitted to extend its influence to our community (once again, see section Janitor, below).

Managers

A sketch of the first observed OF2 specimen.

Entity OF2, or the “Managers”, are similar to their Salarymen “subordinates” in many ways, but distinct in others that make them clearly recognizable and more of a threat to SCRED field agents. Their appearances are rare, being limited to only extremely developed cells of Office intraspace, but their presence makes exploration of said spaces much more hazardous - to the point of impossibility without judicious use of specialized equipment.

APPEARANCE - Managers are identical to Salarymen in general physical form, with two key differences.

The first is attire. As alluded to previously, Managers wear clothing that makes them visually distinct from Salarymen and appears to represent a kind of overt hierarchy within their ranks. Unlike Salarymen, Managers always wear a jacket or blazer over their shirts, usually colored black. Male Managers will wear cufflinks and neckties of any single color, and female Managers will wear skirts, pantyhose, and on some occasions modest necklaces. The dominant outfit color is black. Charcoal and slate gray have also been seen, but it is unknown if this occasional difference is significant.

Second, as with Salarymen, Managers do not have human heads. However, unlike Salarymen, Managers’ heads are not commonplace objects or appliances. Instead, the cranial area of all Managers is comprised of some less explicable material or combination of objects, some of which exhibit extranatural properties. Examples include -

A 5-gallon water cooler drum with its neck oriented downward. Instead of water, the drum contains a single Rubik’s cube that levitates at the drum’s midline, repeatedly scrambling and solving itself with no identifiable configuration pattern.
An extremely large (approx. the size of a human head) heart. Heart appears to accurately correspond to human anatomy, and is tightly wrapped in barbed wire. Beats occasionally.
A venus flytrap in a brown earthenware pot. Plant is a plastic replica, but still displays motility and feeding behavior.
A group of white doves, numbering approximately ten whole birds. Birds are spatially intersected and partially fused at a central locus, resembling a levitating sphere of conjoined wings, tails, and legs. Moves constantly and erratically. Occasionally, a single whole bird will disengage and fly away or perch upon the Manager’s shoulder for a short time, then rejoin the conjunction.
A complex object made of several intersecting rectangular lengths of concrete with a physically impossible orientation. Superficially resembles optical illusions such as the Penrose triangle, but with a novel configuration and apparently existing as a three-dimensional construct in physical reality. Researchers are advised to limit observation of this specific Manager to lengths of five minutes with interspersed ten minute breaks, as prolonged attempts to visually comprehend the entity’s head have resulted in nausea, headaches, and syncope.

BEHAVIOR - Managers have never been seen engaging in the seemingly purposeless “busywork” that their Salarymen counterparts normally perform. Instead, Managers periodically patrol spaces populated by large groups of Salarymen (beginning when a cluster reaches approximately 20 individuals). Aside from walking from area to area, Managers have never been seen interacting directly with Salarymen while they work, though all nearby Salarymen’s behavior changes in subtle ways when a Manager is present. Seated Salarymen will maintain a more rigid posture. Salarymen will cease engaging in play behaviors and refrain from gestures of affection toward one another. Salarymen will “work” at an increased rate. This conformity to a more strict set of behavioral standards will last for some time after the Manager has left the space, but Salarymen will return to their more “casual” behaviors within a few hours.

As with some other entities described in this document, OF2 entities possess the ability to “translocate” between cells of Office-affected areas. The Manager will depart the space by approaching a border where its flooring stops, and disappear as it steps across the boundary. Arrival is similar, with the entity stepping from seemingly nowhere and onto the edge of the space’s flooring. The mechanism by which this is achieved is still unknown, though it is believed to coincide with the theory that all Office cells are spatiotemporally connected in a way that is somehow distinct from conventional 4-dimensional space. Unlike Salarymen, Managers have never been seen to set foot outside of an Office cell’s borders.

OF2 entities pose a much more direct threat than Salarymen. If a Manager notices a human, it will stop its patrol and turn to face the individual, as though staring at them. The Manager will hold visual contact and attempt to maintain it if the agent tries to move or evade notice. After a short amount of time (between one and three minutes), if the intruding human does not exit the Office cell, the Manager will sprint toward the nearest telephone, lift the receiver, dial an unknown 9-digit number, then produce a loud alarm noise². This is followed immediately by an electrical blackout, after which the Janitor will translocate into the cell. After-incident reports containing sentiments such as “really wanted that coffee maker” and “this would make a great shortcut” have led to personnel dismemberment and death in every single instance thus far. As such, Office zones with a high entity count are not to be entered without explicit SCRED approval, regardless of contents or convenience.

With these attributes understood, Entity OF2 has been assigned an EETR of 3. They are not themselves dangerous in any encounters so far, but very quickly lead to lethal danger if approached. As such, they should be avoided at every possible opportunity.

The following entities are, as far as SCRED expeditionary research teams have been able to determine, unique. Instances of these beings have never been seen in more than one place at a time, and have only been observed on a small number of occasions, compared to the much more common Salarymen and Managers. They will be listed here in order of their Extranormal Entity Threat Rating.

Entity OF3 - “The Analyst”

Entity OF3

The Analyst is located in a medium-sized Office cell occupying most of the southern portion of Zone 34. This cell (designated Cell 75 in SCRED’s Office catalogue, nicknamed the “Computer Lab”) deviates from standard Office manifestation in three ways. The first is the presence of a greater amount of computing equipment than is normally seen, including server racks and a great amount of ethernet infrastructure. The second is the overhead lighting, which is completely disabled. Thirdly, the space is badly disorganized, in ways other Office cells do not exhibit. Filing cabinets are overturned, trash is scattered everywhere, and furniture is badly damaged or destroyed. The Analyst is on the uppermost (4th) floor of this cell.

Entity OF3, codenamed “The Analyst”, is an emaciated male corpse seated in a desk chair in front of a large desk, upon which are stacked nine operational computer monitors. The cadaver is in an advanced state of desiccation, entirely dry and withered. It is dressed in clothing similar to the kind worn by Salarymen (slacks, button-down collared shirt), but also a set of indigo robes, which display iridescence and patterning similar to those seen in butterfly wings. On its head is a mitre-shaped headdress fashioned from manila folders. At the front of this desk is a black and white name placard that reads “THE ANALYST”.

While the Analyst itself is inanimate, the screens arrayed near it continually update with a wide variety of readouts in a number of formats, ranging from spreadsheets to live video feeds. These screens often change their focus, and the data displayed constantly updates, collates, and scrolls, apparently on its own. The total scope of the information displayed by the Analyst’s computers is too broad to be described in this document, but transcripts of all downloads and observations made thus far can be obtained from SCRED Senior Archivist A. Rier, Office 14, Laboratory 2.

No movement, sound, or any other indication of sentience or biology has been produced by the Analyst to date. SCRED researchers are still unsure how the cadaver’s presence affects or correlates to the data presented by the electronics and machinery surrounding it, or how any of this data is arriving at any of the workstations, in the wake of a structural investigation that found no wires departing the Office cell or functioning telecommunications equipment. It is unclear how any of the Office-related entities use the data acquired by the Analyst, or indeed if the Analyst is “gathering” data at all, apart from what is stored in the hard drives of the computers nearby.

Findings resultant from SCRED technical team investigation have indicated that patterns in the Analyst’s data streams do exist, though the prevailing logic they follow is still unknown. Correlations between certain data sets and cross-referencing specific patterns has occasionally led to actionable information from the Analyst, such as early warnings of seismic activity and the locations of usable goods or hostile entities. This information is fragmentary, difficult to ascertain, and infrequent, and as such cannot be relied upon in any consistently practical sense.

There has been only one observed (concrete and provably repeatable) correlation between the cadaver at the desk and the computing equipment. If removed from its chair, all electronic equipment in Cell 75 will lose power and deactivate. If the cadaver is replaced, the machines reactivate and resume their operations. Damaging the cadaver, its clothing, or any of the equipment or furniture in Cell 75, or leaving the cadaver removed from its chair for a period of time longer than approximately twenty seconds will result in the instantaneous appearance of Entity OF7 within the cell. As such, the Analyst has been assigned a EETR of 2, and should not be disturbed in any way. For access to Cell 75 or any of the documents acquired from the Analyst, please see Senior Archivist River.

The room containing the Analyst was initially found to be thoroughly covered in Post-It brand sticky notes, upon which were written a number of messages of unknown pertinence or meaning. A truncated list of examples follows.

“BUY ALMONDS SELL OIL BUY BLUE CHIP SELL BIOMED BUY CHILDREN SELL ALUMINUM OXIDE BUY DAIRY SELL AUTOMOTIVE BUY TRUTH SELL LIES BUY TRUTH SELL LIES BUY TRUTH SELL LIES”
999999999³
Several hundred notes covered in random symbols, of groupings commonly seen in ASCII or Unicode transcription errors.
Words hand-rendered in Base64 encoding, such as “ALIGN”, “INTERLOCK”, “REVERE”, “ACQUIRE”, and “UNDERSTAND”.
The lyrics to “Dancing in the Moonlight” by classic rock band King Harvest. Each of these notes was adhered to a specific computer monitor that only displays lunar phase and tidal information.
A column of notes written entirely in ICAO airport code, affixed to the side of a filing cabinet. The text itself is apparently meaningless, and consists mostly of the repeating abbreviations "DETRESFA" and "DCP"⁴.

The significance of any of these messages, or the identities and whereabouts of who produced them, are still unknown.

Entity OF4 - “The Foreman”

Entity OF4

Entity OF4, codenamed “The Foreman”,⁵ is an extremely large⁶ humanoid figure with disproportionately broad limbs and torso. Its body is composed of a variety of substances, including concrete, heavy industrial cabling, chains, pulleys, structural steel, drywall, plaster, and other materials commonly used in the construction of buildings. Rather than a head, OF4 has a large “Jumbotron” style television monitor installed on its shoulders. This device typically displays static, but occasionally changes to simple orders such as “STOP”, “PULL”, and “LIFT”. These orders are followed by the crowds of Salarymen that have always been seen accompanying the Foreman while they assist it in its primary task, which appears to be the construction of new Office cells. It is unclear if OF4 is capable of translocation and thus responsible for every Office installation, or if it is only summoned for the creation of certain cells.

The Foreman seems to serve as a source for much of the Office’s raw building materials. Wrist-mounted hose nozzles emerging from its back have been seen used to project streams of both liquid metal and fresh concrete slurry, which OF4 and its attendant Salarymen will work together to shape into usable forms. It is unclear whether OF4 itself is somehow generating these materials, or if it is acting as a container and transporting them from elsewhere. Information regarding OF4 is limited in general, as only three sightings have been recorded to date, however SCRED feels justified in assigning OF4 an EETR of 3 based on its size alone. Research is ongoing.

Entity OF5 - “Communications Supervisor”

Entity OF5

Entity OF5, codenamed “Communications Supervisor”,⁷ is a large (approximately eight meters in legspan), loosely arachnid-shaped creature composed of an amalgam of materials. The body of the entity is primarily formed of multicolored insulated electrical wiring supported by a metal endoskeleton. The “exoskeleton” appears to be made of discarded computer and monitor housings and other plastic refuse. The “head” is an arrangement made mostly of telephones, and a number of loudspeakers and microphones emerge from its dorsal surfaces, similar to a porcupine’s quills. This entity appears to be primarily concerned with maintaining the Office’s physical networking and electrical infrastructure, laying ethernet and phone cable from “spinneret” reels in its abdomen where needed. Its many legs give it the ability to finely manipulate the wires it unspools, setting them into receptacles and fuse boxes as appropriate.

While not physically hostile, OF5 is extremely hazardous to approach. The entity emits a constant shrieking of garbled electronic noise at a volume of 140 decibels⁸. This noise is psychic as well as mechanical in nature. Through some unknown extranormal process, the noise emitted by OF5 exerts a mental strain on all those able to hear it. Prolonged exposure to OF5’s signaling at a distance of less than 200 meters has resulted in disorientation, hallucination, erratic emotional states, and soft tissue hemorrhaging. As little as five minutes of audibility has resulted in these symptoms becoming chronic, with longer exposure increasing the duration and severity of the condition. Seven fatalities thus far have been attributed to exposure to OF5’s signal radiation, though precise medical cause has yet to be determined. As such, Entity OF5 has been assigned an EETR of 4, and should not be approached under any circumstances.

The electromagnetic component of OF5’s signal is difficult to examine. Due to the enormous flux density and amplitude of its emissions, it is not difficult to track, however the sheer amount of energy carried by the waves results in the melting and failure of most devices able to receive its frequency. The signal aggregate weakens enough to be analyzed only at extreme distances. The information carried by these emissions appears to be largely noise, though some hitherto unknown form of encryption is possible.

On three occasions, identifiable audio of names being spoken by an unknown female voice has been identified in the OF5 signal outburst. Each of these names has corresponded to an individual who has died shortly after direct physical exposure to the OF5 noise field.

The significance of this is unknown.

Entity OF6 - “Chief Executive Officer”

Entity OF6

Entity OF6 is an amalgam of computer components and one CRT monitor atop a large and ornately-decorated cherrywood executive’s desk. This desk is supported by a gathering of approximately one dozen exoforms resembling Salarymen, however these bodies are entirely headless. From their necks emerge bundles of cables, all of which are connected to OF6’s computer assembly. These bodies bear the weight of OF6’s desk on their backs and shoulders, and are responsible for its locomotion. Atop the assembly’s monitor is a “crown” made of folded copy paper, affixed with tape. At the front of the desk is an engraved brass nameplate, which reads “CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER”.

The CEO has never been observed alone - in each of its appearances it is accompanied by a number of Managers and a sizable group of Salarymen. When in the presence of OF6, Salarymen display less “individualistic” behaviors - groups of them will coordinate to complete tasks swiftly, and will tend to move in near-perfect synchrony with one another while doing so. Managers near OF6 display heightened aggression, often physically striking Salarymen when errors are perceived, or in rare cases working together to apprehend and forcibly translocate a Salaryman from the workspace completely. Each time this last occurs, the monitor atop OF6’s desk displays the message “FIRED!” in rapidly-flashing red text.

Unlike all other Office exoforms, OF6 is capable of speech, via what appears to be a variant of the Software Automatic Mouth speech synthesizer program. When it speaks, it displays corresponding text captioning on its screen, or occasionally images that correspond to the topic. No SCRED agents have yet engaged OF6 in conversation, however it has spoken toward us on at least one occasion.

During an expedition to the lower levels of the Badlands, an Office cell was discovered growing into a rock formation. According to the report, OF6 was present at this cell, and appeared to notice the agents observing the cell from outside its boundaries - something no previously recorded Office exoform has shown to be capable of. Its desk turned to face the agents, who were hiding behind a nearby stone outcrop and said, “I see you.” Initially the agents were unsure who or what it was addressing, as no OFX had ever shown awareness of humans existing outside of their territory until this point. It then said, “Behind those rocks. I know you are there. Enter as guests. All are welcome in my kingdom.” The team then left, unconvinced of their own safety.

SCRED operational command are currently drafting plans for the possibility of engaging in diplomatic relations with OF6, in the event that it is ever found again. Until more is known, OF6 is listed as EETR 4, for the large gathering of Managers that congregate around it and the threat its intelligence may represent.

Entity OF7 - “The Janitor”

Entity OF7

OF7, or “The Janitor”, is a large⁹humanoid mechanical construct, made mostly of metal components draped in shredded clothing, plastic sheeting, caution tape, and other refuse. Much of its form is concealed by these fabrics, making observation of its design difficult. The entity has four arms - the upper, larger pair are double-jointed and terminate in large machete-like blades, while the lower, smaller pair are conventionally humanoid and end in hands, each digit of which is clawed. The legs are partially digitigrade, with clawed feet. Its “head” is obscured under many hoods made of the castoff fabric material, from which a bright white spotlight shines. The entity’s back is impaled with various objects, including concrete rebar, railroad spikes, knives, several arrows, and at least one sword, though none of these objects appear to inhibit its movement or activities in any way. On its right flank is a partially shredded gray custodian’s jumpsuit, which bears a visible name tag on the breast pocket that reads “JANITOR”.

The Janitor’s role within the Office ecosystem is more comprehensible than many of the others. So far as it can be determined, OF7 is responsible for the neutralization of any intruders within Office spaces. This is done with extreme prejudice - the Janitor has never been seen to spare or disregard a human that has entered its notice. Pursuit ends with the human escaping past the boundary of the cell or with the human being slain, typically via whole-body laceration, dismemberment, exsanguination, or any combination of these. Over even ground the Janitor has been marked moving at speeds greater than ten meters per second. Its mass and strength are such that the Janitor rarely needs to maneuver around obstacles to reach its prey. It will choose the most direct path to a victim, even to the point of crashing through walls to reach them, and it will not stop until every intruder is dealt with.

Once finished, the Janitor will patrol the entire space into which it has been summoned and “clean”, to the best of its abilities. It will set thrown furniture back into place with its loading arms, and replace objects knocked from shelves or desks back to their original positions. From under its cloaks extra arms of varying length may emerge, bearing brooms, trash bags, and other tools and materials facilitating its work. The Janitor will divide any remaining human corpses into nine parts¹⁰, place these parts into individual plastic trash bags, then pull them under its “clothing”, where they disappear. Any remaining blood or fluids are cleaned with industrial-grade detergents dispensed from nozzle-bearing arms, or in particularly messy cases, the carpet will be pulled up, divided into manageable squares, and removed in its entirety. This complete, the Janitor will depart the space, disappearing at one of its borders as other entities have been seen to do.

Only three SCRED operatives have ever successfully escaped from a space after the Janitor has arrived within it. The most recent involved two agents who were fortunate enough to be near the borders of the cell as the lights were deactivated. In accordance with standing protocol, they assumed the other seven members of their team were dead, and fled. As they retreated, the agents reported a loud shrieking noise, which none of them had remembered in any briefings, and turned to locate the source, in the event the Janitor had deviated from its known behaviors and chased them further than expected. Behind them, standing at the edge of the cell, the Janitor stood, shining its light on a message carved into the plaster of the wall. It read, “YOU MUST STOP THIS”. Both agents confirmed that this message had not been there previously.

The meaning of this, as well as the implications of the Janitor’s apparent sapience, are still under investigation.

^{this document compiled and maintained by:}
Dr. Angela Walker, Head Researcher, Slam City Research and Exploratory Division

Footnotes

page revision: 19, last edited: 28 Jul 2024 12:39

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