Another Inexplicably Extended Quinoa Adventure (feat. A Small Child)
rating: +19+x

<Begin Log>

Quinoa: Hello and welcome to Episode 905 of "Talking With Quinoa." Did you know that buildings are mushrooms? It's true if you think about it. They don't eat sunlight, so they can't be plants, and they don't lay eggs, so they can't be animals, and they just keep popping up everywhere, which means they have to be spreading by spores or something. Yep. They're mushrooms, alright. No other explanation there.

Quinoa: Let me tell you, mushrooms do some scary shit, but I think buildings might be the good kind. Sometimes I like to watch their life cycle through the doorway. The way they grow up is pretty cool! They start with one brick, and then, get this: two bricks! And if you're really crazy you might even get a third brick!

Quinoa: And while they're growing up, there's always these funny hat men walking around them— for emotional support, I assume. Puberty can be a tough time, after all. But then the funny hat men leave, and new people move in and out of the building as it slowly grows older and older until the building collapses over dead. It's always birth, grow old, die, and then birth, grow old, die over and over and over and over with no change, and I'm like, when are the funny hat men going to come to my room to help me grow up?!

[The audience can be heard crying.]

Quinoa: Exactly, you get me. Wait… The audience can be heard crying? But I don't have an audience right now! It's just me in this room, and— Oh whoops, there's a small person in the corner! Let's redo that bit for clarity.

Quinoa: Ahem.

Quinoa: And I'm like, when are the funny hat men going to come to my room to help me grow up?!

[A child can be heard crying.]

Quinoa: There we go! Much better! Anyway, I recently learned that some people eat the eggs that flowers grow from. Sounds crazy to me, but apparently, they call it kwin-oh-uh, and—

[A child can be heard crying again.]

Quinoa: You know, it's been a while since we had a guest on the show. Hello, small person. Welcome to 905 of "Talking With Quinoa." What's wrong?

Child: Wh-who are you?

Quinoa: You know, I ask myself that question every day. To which I always respond to myself, "I'm Quinoa! The host of the hit radio show, 'Talking With Quinoa!'" That usually clears it up for me!

Child: Where's mommy?

Quinoa: Good question! I had a mommy once, and boy did we get into fights. I still loved her, though, through all of it. Wait… That wasn't my mommy! That was just a wire frame with a bottle of milk taped to it! That science guy tricked me! I'll help you find your mother, small person, and then Mr. Harlow has a knuckle sandwich ready with his name on it.

[The child lets out a giggle.]

Quinoa: Where did you see your mommy last?

Child: We uh… We live in Spawn Town.

Quinoa: Ah, Spawn Town. You know, I would actually have a lot to say about Spawn Town if it didn't ruin the pacing of the tale! Crazy, crazy stuff. Whew. What an experience! Anyway, I think we just need to wait until the door decides to point there. C'mon, room, do your thing.

[The sound of nothing in the environment changing can be heard.]

Quinoa: Alright, well, while we wait for that, I guess I'll record another episode!

Quinoa: Hello, and welcome to episode 906 of 'Talking With Quinoa.' Today I want to talk about libraries. Did you know that they make these big buildings just full of all-you-can-eat buffets? I sure didn't! I found out about these thingamajigs when… Where did I learn about libraries?

[The transmission is silent for 32 minutes]

Quinoa: Oh right! I learned about libraries when I was getting ready for a midnight snack, and as I was doing a staring contest with my meal, words started playing in my head that weren't mine. It was pretty spooky. The words said, "Property of Holstein County Local Library. Return by November 7th, 1973." After that, I lost the staring contest, and the words stopped playing in my head, but from that day forward, I decided to dedicate myself to finding such a place.

Quinoa: I don't know how to get to a library, but I think the first step is to trick the library into thinking that I am one of its children so that it will let me in, so I have created a librarian disguise out of a piece of tape and 73 paper clips, and I am ready to find a library. Look at this!

[The transmission is silent for 17 seconds]

Quinoa: Oh! I just realized you can't see my disguise! Let me try this again. Look at this!

[The distinct sound of a pink, rectangle-headed creature in a maid dress can be heard]

Quinoa: Now the library will be sure to let me in!— Wait. I think I figured it out!

Child: Huh?

Quinoa: There was a nice library lady who taught me to always be afraid of mushrooms, and if she knows that much about mushrooms, then I bet she knows how to get you to your mommy too!

Quinoa: And I know just how to talk to her too. What was that website called again? Shit. Okay, plan B. In radio, you always have to have a backup plan.

[Quinoa can be heard repeatedly smashing his head against the wall for several minutes until he's knocked unconscious.]

Quinoa (in his sleep): …Hello library lady… [mumbling] …I don't think there's any rule that says a dog can't be elected president!… [mumbling] …Wait, so they're cars and robots?!?… [mumbling] …Oh yeah, I found a small person, and… [mumbling] …Wasn't supposed to eat it?? But then why did you make it taste so good?… [mumbling] …Okay, thanks!

[Quinoa can be heard jolting awake.]

Quinoa: So apparently, I wasn't supposed to eat that package the library lady sent me. But… that's like saying you're not supposed to eat wood chips! It's natural, silly. If mother nature didn't want us to eat wood chips, then she wouldn't have put them on the playground. That's what I say…. Anyway!

[Quinoa can be heard unhinging his jaw and regurgitating a fully intact copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez.]

Quinoa: Alright! Apparently, you just have to touch this squiggly line here, and it will bring you to the library lady so that she can help you find your mommy!

Child: Okay! Thank you, Mr. Quinoa!

Quinoa: Oh, and one more thing before you go.

Child: Huh?

Quinoa: Follow your heart!

<End Log>

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